Humor & Story BLOG

Once a Methodist...

John Smith was the only Protestant to move into a large Catholic neighborhood. On the first Friday of Lent, John was outside grilling a big juicy steak on his grill. Meanwhile, all of his neighbors were eating cold tuna fish for supper.

This went on each Friday of Lent. On the last Friday of Lent, the neighborhood men got together and decided that something had to be done about John; he was tempting them to eat meat each Friday of Lent, and they couldn't take it anymore. They decided to try and convert John to be a Catholic.

They went over and talked to him and were so happy that he decided to join all of his neighbors and become a Catholic. They took him to Church, and the Priest sprinkled some water over him, and said, "You were born a Methodist, you were raised a Methodist, and now you are a Catholic."

The men were so relieved, now their biggest Lenten temptation was resolved. The next year's Lenten season rolled around. The first Friday of Lent came, and just at supper time, when the neighborhood was setting down to their tuna fish dinner, came the wafting smell of steak cooking on a grill. The neighborhood men could not believe their noses! WHAT WAS GOING ON?

They called each other up and decided to meet over in John's yard to see if he had forgotten it was the first Friday of Lent. The group arrived just in time to see John standing over his grill with a small pitcher of water. He was sprinkling some water over his steak on the grill, saying, "You were born a cow, you were raised a cow, and now you are a fish."

Morning Prayer

Good morning! Please join me in a morning prayer.

Albert Schweitzer believes we need to be aware of the sleeping sickness of the soul. He cautions, "As soon as you notice the slightest sign of indifference, the moment you become aware of the loss of a certain seriousness, of longing, of enthusiasm and zest, take it as a warning."

Creator God, the one who gifted us with a number of days to enjoy in this life, help us to remember much of life and its circumstances are given to learn valuable lessons. As this new day unfolds, keep us from indifference, renew our zest and enthusiasm, refresh our hearts and spirits with thankfulness and energy to face the day and all it holds, and remind us that we need to listen to the quiet inner guidance you provide for our well-being. Bless our day now, oh Lord, with these requests that we may learn the beneficial lessons given to us by you for this day.

Amen.

Very Cool Math trick

Here is a math trick so unbelievable that it will stump you. OK, maybe it won't stump you, but it sure did me!

1. Grab a calculator. (you won't be able to do this one in your head)
2. Key in the first three digits of your phone number (NOT the area code)
3. Multiply by 80
4. Add 1
5. Multiply by 250
6. Add the last 4 digits of your phone number
7. Add the last 4 digits of your phone number again.
8. Subtract 250
9. Divide number by 2

A Christmas Story

It's just a small, white envelope stuck among the branches of our Christmas tree. No name, no identification, no inscription. It has peeked through the branches of our tree for the past 10 years or so.

It all began because my husband Mike hated Christmas---oh, not the true meaning of Christmas, but the commercial aspects of it-overspending... the frantic running around at the last minute to get a tie for Uncle Harry and the dusting powder for Grandma---the gifts given in desperation because you couldn't think of anything else.

Knowing he felt this way, I decided one year to bypass the usual shirts, sweaters, ties and so forth. I reached for something special just for Mike. The inspiration came in an unusual way.

Our son Kevin, who was 12 that year, was wrestling at the junior level at the school he attended; and shortly before Christmas, there was a non-league match against a team sponsored by an inner-city church, mostly black. These youngsters, dressed in sneakers so ragged that shoestrings seemed to be the only thing holding them together, presented a sharp contrast to our boys in their spiffy blue and gold uniforms and sparkling new wrestling shoes. As the match began, I was alarmed to see that the other team was wrestling without headgear, a kind of light helmet designed to protect a wrestler's ears.

It was a luxury the ragtag team obviously could not afford. Well, we ended up walloping them. We took every weight class. And as each of their boys got up from the mat, he swaggered around in his tatters with false bravado, a kind of street pride that couldn't acknowledge defeat.

Mike, seated beside me, shook his head sadly, "I wish just one of them could have won," he said.

"They have a lot of potential, but losing like this could take the heart right out of them."

Mike loved kids-all kids-and he knew them, having coached little league football, baseball and lacrosse. That's when the idea for his present came. That afternoon, I went to a local sporting goods store and bought an assortment of wrestling headgear and shoes and sent them anonymously to the inner-city church. On Christmas Eve, I placed the envelope on the tree, the note inside telling Mike what I had done and that this was his gift from me. His smile was the brightest thing about Christmas that year and in succeeding years. For each Christmas, I followed the tradition---one year sending a group of mentally handicapped youngsters to a hockey game, another year a check to a pair of elderly brothers whose home had burned to the ground the week before Christmas, and on and on.

The envelope became the highlight of our Christmas. It was always the last thing opened on Christmas morning and our children, ignoring their new toys, would stand with wide-eyed anticipation as their dad lifted the envelope from the tree to reveal its contents.

As the children grew, the toys gave way to more practical presents, but the envelope never lost its allure. The story doesn't end there.

You see, we lost Mike last year due to dreaded cancer. When Christmas rolled around, I was still so wrapped in grief that I barely got the tree up. But Christmas Eve found me placing an envelope on the tree, and in the morning, it was joined by three more.

Each of our children, unbeknownst to the others, had placed an envelope on the tree for their dad. The tradition has grown and someday will expand even further with our grandchildren standing around the tree with wide-eyed anticipation watching as their fathers take down the envelope.

Mike's spirit, like the Christmas spirit will always be with us.

Signs...

Sign in a laundromat
Automatic washing machines: Please remove all your clothes when the light goes out.

Sign in a London department store:
Bargain Basement Upstairs

In an office:
Would the person who took the step ladder yesterday please bring it back or further steps will be taken.

Outside a farm:
Horse manure
50p per pre-packed bag
20p do-it-yourself

In an office:
After tea break staff should empty the teapot and stand upside down on the draining board

On a church door:
This is the Gate of Heaven. Enter ye all by this door. (this door is kept locked because of the draft. Please use side door.)

English sign in a German cafe:
Mothers, please wash your hans before eating

Outside a secondhand shop:
We exchange anything - bicycles, washing machines etc. Why not bring your wife along and get a wonderful bargain?

Sign outside a new town hall which was to be opened by the Prince of Wales:
The town hall is closed until opening. It will remain closed after being opened. open tomorrow.

Outside a photographer's studio:
Out to lunch: If not back by five, out for dinner also

Seen at the side of a Sussex road:
Slow cattle crossing. No overtaking for the next 100 yrs.

Outside a disco:
SMARTS is the most exclusive disco in town. Everyone welcome

Sign warning of quicksand:
Quicksand. Any person passing this point will be drowned. By order of the district council.

Notice sent to residents of a Whiltshire parish:
Due to increasing problems with letter louts and vandals we must ask anyone with relatives buried in the graveyard to do their best to keep them in order

Notice in a dry cleaner's window:
Anyone leaving their garments here for more than 30 days will be disposed of.

Sign on motorway garage:
Please do not smoke near our petrol pumps. Your life may not be worth much but our petrol is

Notice in health food shop window:
Closed due to illness

Spotted in a safari park:
Elephants please stay in your car

Seen during a conference:
For anyone who has children and doesn't know it, there is a day care on the first floor

Notice in a field:
The farmer allows walkers to cross the field for free, but the bull charges

Message on a leaflet:
If you cannot read, this leaflet will tell you how to get lessons

Sign on a repair shop door:
We can repair anything (please knock hard on the door - the bell doesn't work)

Sign at Norfolk farm gate:
Beware! I shoot every tenth trespasser and the ninth one has just left

Spotted in a toilet in a London office block:
Toilet out of order. Please use floor below.

Technical Support

..Thank you for calling Technical Support

Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring...

Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring...

Thank you for calling Technical Support. All of our technicians are currently busy helping people even less competent than you, so please hold for the next available technician. The waiting time is now estimated at between fifteen minutes and eternity. In order to expedite your call, please punch your 63-digit product identification number onto your telephone touch pad, followed by your product serial number, which can be found in a secret compartment inside your computer where, for security purposes, it is printed in the smallest typeface known to mankind. Do that now.

(Lengthy excerpt from Mahler's "Lugubrious" Symphony in C Minor)

Thank you again for calling Technical Support. We recommend that you sit at your computer, preferably turning it on at some point, and have at hand all your floppy disks, CD-ROM disks, computer manuals and original packing materials in order to allow the technician to aid you in the unlikely event that he ever takes your call. It would also be helpful for you to refrain from sobbing while explaining your problem to the technician. Shouting obscene threats will cause you to be immediately disconnected and blackballed from further communication with Technical Support, not only from ours but that of every other electronics-related firm in the industrialized world.

(Medley of Hootie and the Blowfish hits rendered by the Mormon Tabernacle Choir)

Thank you once again for calling Technical Support. In order to enable us to better assist you, it would be helpful to know more about you and your equipment. Have you called Technical Support before? If you have, please press the numeral "one" on your telephone touch pad. If not, press the numeral "two." If you are not sure, using the letters on your touch pad, spell out the phrase: "I am confused and despondent and quickly losing the will to live." Once you have finished, hang up your phone and make arrangements to sell your computer because by the time the technician takes your call, it will be obsolete, and you will be too senile to use it anyway.

(Rangoon Opera Company's classic 1963 recording of Wagner's "Ring Cycle" in its entirety)

Thank you for calling Technical Support. Unfortunately, all of our technicians just went out for lunch. This means that to the estimated waiting time we gave you earlier, you may now add at least another two hours.

(Wayne Newton singing "Danke Schoen" 1,743 times)

Thank you for calling Technical Support. Before talking to the technician about your problem and risking the possibility that you may be wasting his valuable time, please ask yourself the following questions: If my monitor screen is dark, is it possible I have forgotten to plug in my computer or, alternately, that I have been suddenly struck blind? Have I exhausted every possible means of help before utilizing the sacred, last-resort-only telephone option? Have I sent a fax to Fast Fax Technical Support? Have I consulted my manual? Have I read the Read-Me notice on the floppy disk? Have I called up my know-it-all geek cousin who I can't stand but who can probably fix this thing for me in under five minutes? Have I given the central processing unit of my computer a good, solid whack? If you can not honestly answer "yes" to all these questions, please get off the line immediately so that our overworked technicians can help those truly desperate customers whose
suffering is so much greater than yours.

(Recording of Tibetan monks performing a six-day chant celebrating the reincarnation of one of their recently deceased colleagues into the form of a salamander.)

Thank you for calling Technical Support. Our electronic sensors indicate that you are about to slump over and die from a massive frustration attack combined with severe dehydration from lack of food and water. Before doing so, please take a moment to place your telephone receiver back in its base and switch off your computer so as not to wear down its internal battery. As a non-living person, you will have no further need of Technical Support and so we regretfully must remove you from our list of registered product users. Remember, we valued your patronage and were happy to serve your needs. Do not -hesitate to have your heirs or beneficiaries contact us should any further technical problems arise.

Politics

One man is speaking to a college professor and admits that he is just stymied by big government and politicians. The Professor says "Now don't worry. You just have to understand politics. Just break down the word. Poli means 'many' and tics are 'blood suckers'!"

Membership...

After the revival had concluded, the three pastors were discussing the results with one another.

The Methodist minister said, "The revival worked out great for us! We gained four new families."

The Baptist preacher said, "We did better than that! We gained six new families."

The Episcopal priest said, "Well, we did even better than that! We got rid of our 10 biggest trouble makers!"

Jewish Origin of High Tech

Q. What English language edition of Chumash is ideal for the Computer Age:
A. Hertz Edition

Q. What is the large print copy called?
A. Mega Hertz Edition

Q What is the large print edition of the Stone Chumash called?
A. Mega-lith Edition Chumash

Q How are they now distributed?
A. As freeware: the five disks of Moses.

Q. What is the most recently compiled edition of the Jewish Knowledge that help reconcile revelation at Sinia with the computer age?
A. "Torah for Dummies" available on CD-Rambam.

Q. Why do we blow the shofar on the day of remembrance?
A. To recall the original ram memory.

Q Why are we sure the computer was a Jewish invention?
A. Every keyboard has a scroll key.

Q. Why are we sure the Internet was a Jewish Invention?
A. Because Jews are known of their large nodes and we have been talking about the promised LAN for over 3000 years...

Ice Cream Prayer

Last week I took my children to a restaurant. My six-year-old son
asked if he could say grace. As we bowed our heads, he said, "God
is good. God is great. Thank you for the food, and I would even
thank you more if mom gets us ice cream for dessert. And liberty
and justice for all! Amen!" Along with laughter from the other
customers nearby, I heard a woman remark, "That's what's wrong
with this country. Kids today don't even know how to pray. Asking
God for ice cream! Why, I never!"

Hearing this, my son burst into tears and asked me, "Did I do it wrong?
Is God mad at me?"

As I held him and assured him that he had done a terrific job and
God was certainly not mad at him, an elderly gentleman approached
the table. He winked at my son and said, "I happen to know that
God thought that was a great prayer." "Really?" my son asked.
"Cross my heart." Then in a theatrical whisper the gentleman
added (indicating the woman whose remark had started this whole
thing), "Too bad she never asks God for ice cream. A little ice
cream is good for the soul sometimes."

Naturally, I bought my kids ice cream at the end of the meal. My
son stared at his for a moment and then did something I will
remember the rest of my life. He picked up his sundae and without
a word walked over and placed it in front of the woman. With a
big smile he told her, "Here, this is for you. Ice cream is good
for the soul sometimes, and my soul is already good."

Today's insight

I was out walking with my then 4 year old daughter. She picked up something off the ground and started to put it in her mouth. I asked her not to do that.

"Why?"

"Because it's been laying outside and is dirty and probably has germs."

At this point, she looked at me with total admiration and asked, "Wow! How do you know all this stuff?"

"Uh," I was thinking quickly, everyone knows this stuff, "Um, it's on the Mommy test. You have to know it, or they don't let you be a Mommy."

"Oh."

We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently pondering this new information.

"I get it!!!!" she beamed. "Then if you flunk, you have to be the Daddy."

Do you want sashimi?

A customer at Green's Gourmet Grocery marveled at the proprietor's quick wit and intelligence.

"Tell me, Green, what makes you so smart?"

"I wouldn't share my secret with just anyone," Green replies, lowering his voice so the other shoppers won't hear. "But since you're a good and faithful customer, I'll let you in on it. Fish heads. You eat enough of them, you'll be positively brilliant."

"You sell them here?" the customer asks.

"Only $4 apiece," says Morris.

The customer buys three. A week later, he's back in the store complaining that the fish heads were disgusting and he isn't any smarter.

"You didn't eat enough, " says Green. The customer goes home with 20 more fish heads. Two weeks later, he's back and this time he's really angry.

"Hey, Green," he says, "You're selling me fish heads for $4 apiece when I just found out I can buy the whole fish for $2. You're ripping me off!"

"You see?" says Morris. "You're smarter already."

Environmental friendly?

My friend Ann and I were eating at a Chinese restaurant. When an elderly waiter set chopsticks at our places, Ann made a point of reaching into her purse and pulling out her own pair.

"As an environmentalist," she declared, "I do not approve of destroying bamboo forests for throwaway utensils."

The waiter inspected her chopsticks. "Very beautiful," he said politely. "Ivory."

A Christmas Story

It's just a small, white envelope stuck among the branches of our
Christmas tree. No name, no identification, no inscription. It
has peeked through the branches of our tree for the past 10 years
or so.

It all began because my husband Mike hated Christmas---oh, not
the true meaning of Christmas, but the commercial aspects of
it-overspending... the frantic running around at the last minute
to get a tie for Uncle Harry and the dusting powder for
Grandma---the gifts given in desperation because you couldn't
think of anything else.

Knowing he felt this way, I decided one year to bypass the usual
shirts, sweaters, ties and so forth. I reached for something
special just for Mike. The inspiration came in an unusual way.
Our son Kevin, who was 12 that year, was wrestling at the junior
level at the school he attended; and shortly before Christmas,
there was a non-league match against a team sponsored by an
inner-city church, mostly black. These youngsters, dressed in
sneakers so ragged that shoestrings seemed to be the only thing
holding them together, presented a sharp contrast to our boys in
their spiffy blue and gold uniforms and sparkling new wrestling
shoes. As the match began, I was alarmed to see that the other
team was wrestling without headgear, a kind of light helmet
designed to protect a wrestler's ears.
It was a luxury the ragtag team obviously could not afford.
Well, we ended up walloping them. We took every weight class.
And as each of their boys got up from the mat, he swaggered
around in his tatters with false bravado, a kind of street pride
that couldn't acknowledge defeat.

Mike, seated beside me, shook his head sadly, "I wish just one of
them could have won," he said.

"They have a lot of potential, but losing like this could take
the heart right out of them."

Mike loved kids-all kids-and he knew them, having coached little
league football, baseball and lacrosse. That's when the idea for
his present came. That afternoon, I went to a local sporting
goods store and bought an assortment of wrestling headgear and
shoes and sent them anonymously to the inner-city church.
On Christmas Eve, I placed the envelope on the tree, the note
inside telling Mike what I had done and that this was his gift from me.
His smile was the brightest thing about Christmas that year and
in succeeding years. For each
Christmas, I followed the tradition---one year sending a group of
mentally handicapped youngsters to a hockey game, another year a
check to a pair of elderly brothers whose home had burned to the
ground the week before Christmas, and on and on.

The envelope became the highlight of our Christmas. It was
always the last thing opened on Christmas morning and our
children, ignoring their new toys, would stand with wide-eyed
anticipation as their dad lifted the envelope from the tree to
reveal its contents.

As the children grew, the toys gave way to more practical
presents, but the envelope never lost its allure. The story
doesn't end there.

You see, we lost Mike last year due to dreaded cancer. When
Christmas rolled around, I was still so wrapped in grief that I
barely got the tree up. But Christmas Eve found me placing an
envelope on the tree, and in the morning, it was joined by three
more.

Each of our children, unbeknownst to the others, had placed an
envelope on the tree for their dad. The tradition has grown and
someday will expand even further with our grandchildren standing
around the tree with wide-eyed anticipation watching as their
fathers take down the envelope.

Mike's spirit, like the Christmas spirit will always be with us.

Observations Of All Sorts

ON TERM PAPERs
I am returning this otherwise good typing paper to you because someone has printed gibberish all over it and put your name at the top.
--English Professor, Ohio University

ON MARTIAL ARTS AND METAPHYSICS
Deja Fu: The feeling that somehow, somewhere, you've been kicked in the head like this before.

ON HUMILITY
To err is human, to moo bovine.

ON DEEP THOUGHTS
A day without sunshine is like night.

ON MATHEMATICAL TRANSFORMS
A polar bear is a rectangular bear after a co-ordinate transform.

ON YOUTH
Some people say that I must be a horrible person, but that's not true. I have the heart of a young boy. In a jar. On my desk.
--Steven King

ON PROBLEM SOLVING
When the only tool you own is a hammer, every problem begins to resemble a nail.
--Abraham Maslow

ON MATERIALISM
He who dies with the most toys, is, nonetheless, still dead.

ON RELIGIOUS PRACTICES
Neutrinos have mass? I didn't know they were Catholic.

ON INFINITY
If you had everything, where would you keep it?

ON ECONOMICS
The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.

ON REVISIONIST HISTORY
What was sliced bread the greatest thing since?

ON DATING
When aiming for the common denominator, be prepared for the occasional division by zero.

ON MATERIAL SCIENCE
Character density: The number of very weird people in the office.

ON EXTINCTION
Save the whales. Collect the whole set.

ON LITERATURE
This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.
--Dorothy Parker

ON EXPLANATION OF THE END
One of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that, lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of their C programs.
--Robert Firth

ON PROPHECY
The meek shall inherit the earth -- they are too weak to refuse.

ON NUMBERS
Grabel's Law: 2 is not equal to 3 -- not even for very large values of 2.

ON WORLD POLITICS
Diplomacy is the art of saying "nice doggy" until you can find a rock.

The truth of a thing is in the feel of it, not the think of it. (Stanley Kubrick)

Holiday Songs
(Language Alert)

Least Popular Hanukah songs ...
1. Drek the Halls
2. Goy to the World
3. Have a Bialy, Jolly Hanukah
4. Oy, Tannebaum
5. God Rest Ye Merry Gentile Men
6. The First Schmoel
7. Bagels We have Heard on High
8. Santa Claus is Goyim to Town
9. Do You Shmeer What I Shmeer?
10.Ov vey Maria

The Bill Gates Song
-------------------
(to the tune of "The Christmas Song")

Netscape roasting on an open fire,
Apple begging on its knees,
Photos popping up on Time magazine,
Yes, Bill Gates dreams of days like these!
Everyone knows he's never satisfied,
Throws himself behind each task,
World dominion is his company's goal.
Well, hey, is that so much to ask?
He knows the world is in his sway,
We'll buy whatever software he might toss our way,
We'll surf his Internet, watch his TV,
He'll take us anywhere we ask him -- for a fee.

And so we're offering this simple prayer,
To Bill and all his MS grunts:
Since we all follow any standard you write,
Make it good, please,
Make it good, please,
Make it good, please, just once!

Gil Amelio's Coming to Town!
----------------------------
(to the tune of "Santa Claus Is Coming to Town")

You better watch out,
Absurd as it sounds,
'Cause Apple's about
To lose a few pounds --
Gil Amelio's coming to town!

He's making a list,
And trimming the rolls
Of projects that missed
Their revenue goals --
Gil Amelio's coming to town!

He knows what's losing money,
Like eWorld, PowerTalk ...
You'd better make your project work
Or prepare to take a walk!

Though you follow his lead
Right out the back door,
You know he'll succeed --
He's done it before!
Gil Amelio's coming to town!

Microsoft
---------
(to the tune of "Jingle Bells")

Nine-tenths of a gig,
Biggest ever seen,
God, this program's big--
MS Word 15!
Comes on ten CDs,
And requires -- damn!
Word is fine, but jeez --
60 megs of RAM?!

Oh! Microsoft, Microsoft,
Bloatware all the way!
I've sat here installing Word
Since breakfast yesterday!
Oh! Microsoft, Microsoft,
Moderation, please.
Guess you hadn't noticed:
Four-gig drives don't grow on trees!

I'm Dreaming of a Clean System
------------------------------
(to the tune of "White Christmas")

I'm dreaming of a clean System,
Something that fits on one CD.
Each component matches,
Not bits and patches,
Unlike 7-5-point-3.
I'm longing for a dream System,
Small, stable, fast, and trouble-free.
What we want, I think you'll agree,
Is called System 6-point-oh-3!

Violent Night
-------------
(to the tune of "Silent Night")

Silent Mac, broken Mac!
System bombed, screen went black.
Books suggested things; I tried 'em all:
Shift key, desktop file, clean reinstall.
Now my deadline is tight,
This Mac's been silent all night.

Violent night, horrible night!
Lost my cool, filled with spite,
Threw my Mac through the balcony door
Watched it fall from the 20th floor,
Now I'm sleeping in peace;
Thank God I had it on lease.

Prove It's So!
--------------
(to the tune of "Let It Snow")

Oh, the papers say Apple's dying,
But before we start good-byeing,
We should call them all up and go,
"Prove it's so! Prove it's so! Prove it's so!"

They say "Mac OS software's scarcer."
We say, "Read those numbers, there, sir,
Sales continued this year to grow.
There ya go, there ya go, there ya go!"

When they tell us Win 95
Made the Mac's famed advantages ebb,
We'll say, "Why, then, do Macs now drive
60 percent of the Web?"

We can win our PR reversal--
Make the Mac be universal--
Though we may have some years to go,
Make it so, make it so, make it so!

Happily Addicted to the Web
---------------------------
(to the tune of "Winter Wonderland")

Doorbell rings, I'm not list'nin',
From my mouth, drool is glist'nin',
I'm happy -- although
My boss let me go --
Happily addicted to the Web.
All night long, I sit clicking,
Unaware time is ticking,
There's beard on my cheek,
Same clothes for a week,
Happily addicted to the Web.

Friends come by; they shake me,
Saying, "Yo, man!
Don't you know tonight's the senior prom?"
With a listless shrug, I mutter, "No, man;
I just discovered letterman-dot-com!"

I don't phone, don't send faxes,
Don't go out, don't pay taxes,
Who cares if someday
They drag me away?
I'm happily addicted to the Web!

MEN & THE MERMAID

Three guys are out having a relaxing day fishing. Out of the blue, they catch a mermaid who begs to be set free in return for granting each of them a wish. Now one of the guys just doesn't believe it, and says, "Okay, if you can really grant wishes, then double my IQ."

The mermaid says, "Done." Suddenly the guy starts reciting Shakespeare flawlessly and analyzing it with extreme insight.

The second guy is so amazed, he says to the mermaid, "Triple my IQ."

The mermaid says, "Done."

The guy starts to spout out all the mathematical solutions to problems that have been stumping all the scientists in various fields: physics, chemistry, etc. The last guy is so enthralled with the changes that his friends that he says to the mermaid, "Quintuple my IQ."

The mermaid looks at him and says, "You know, I don't usually try to change people's minds when they make a wish, but I really wish that you would reconsider."

The guy says, "No, I want you to increase my IQ times five, and if you don't do it, I won't set you free."

"Please," says the mermaid, "you don't understand what you're asking, it will change your entire view on the universe. Won't you ask for something else....a million dollars, anything?"

But no matter what the mermaid said, the guy insisted on having his IQ increased by five times its usual power. So the mermaid sighed and said, "Done."

And he became a woman.

True Irish Humor

Padraic O'Reilly was lucky. Since the day he had found that four leaf clover, everything good seemed to come his way. He had met the wonderful Rosie, and after a whirlwind romance, they were married. And now, a year later, he was the proud father of beautiful twins, a boy and a girl. At work, the story was the same. He had been promoted and had received a substantial raise, and now the firm had come up with a profit sharing plan. Paddy was certain his good fortune was due to his 4-leaf clover. Everywhere he went, he was certain to be carrying the talisman in his suit pocket. One morning, Paddy could not find the clover. He searched the house, but it was not there. In panic, he tried to recall when he had last seen it. He finally recalled it was in his gray suit that he had dropped off at the dry cleaners. He rushed to the cleaners only to find that the work had been completed and his suit was ready to be picked up. He searched the suit and found the 4-leaf clover, still in one piece but now flattened from the dry cleaning. From that day on, Paddy's fortunes changed.

Life was good but was no longer perfect. The little inconveniences were always there. He had a flat tire as he was driving to an important meeting. The twins developed measles when his boss and his wife were over for dinner. No, Paddy's life had changed. He still carried the amulet, but he was certainly not living under the silver lining he was used to and had come to expect. Finally, he had had enough. He visited the parish priest to see if he could help him understand what had happened.

"This certainly was to be expected," he was told. " You should have known ... One should never press one's luck."

Ads that needed some proofreading

- Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.
- Nice parachute. Never opened. Used once.
- Nordic Track $300. Hardly used. Call Chubby.
- Open house: Body shapers toning salon. Free coffee and doughnuts.
- Our experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included.
- Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale.
- Snowblower for sale. Only used on snowy days.
- Stock up and save. Limit one.
- Vacation Special: Have your home exterminated.
- Wanted: Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.
- And now, the Superstore — unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience.
- Christmas tag-sale: Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person.
- Dog for sale: Eats anything and is fond of children.
- Georgia Peaches, California grown.
- For Sale by owner: Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica 45 Volumes. Excellent condition. $1,000 or best offer. No longer needed. Got married last month. Wife knows everything.

New Home

A new home owner in NY reported the following experience:

We purchased an old home in Northern New York State from two elderly sisters. Winter was fast approaching and I was concerned about the house's lack of insulation. "If they could live here all those years, so can we!" my husband confidently declared.

One November night the temperature plunged to below zero, and we woke up to find interior walls covered with frost. My husband called the sisters to ask how they had kept the house warm. After a rather brief conversation, he hung up.
"For the past 30 years," he muttered, "they've gone to Florida for the winter."

News Story

August, 1998, Montevideo, Uruguay

Paolo Esperanza, bass-trombonist with the Simphonica Mayor de Uruguay, in a misplaced moment of inspiration decided to make his own contribution to the cannon shots fired as part of the orchestra's performance of Tchaikovsky's 1812 Overture at an outdoor children's concert. In complete seriousness he placed a large, ignited firecracker, which was equivalent in strength to a quarter stick of dynamite, into his aluminum straight mute and then stuck the mute into the bell of his quite new Yamaha in-line double-valve bass trombone. Later, from his hospital bed he explained to a reporter through bandages on his mouth, "I thought that the bell of my trombone would shield me from the explosion and instead, would focus the energy of the blast outwards and away from me, propelling the mute high above the orchestra, like a rocket."

However, Paolo was not up on his propulsion physics nor qualified to use high-powered artillery and in his haste to get the horn up before the firecracker went off, he failed to raise the bell of the horn high enough so as to give the mute enough arc to clear the orchestra.

What actually happened should serve as a lesson to us all during those delirious moments of divine inspiration. First, because he failed to sufficiently elevate the bell of his horn, the blast propelled the mute between rows of players in the woodwind and viola sections of the orchestra, missing the players and straight into the stomach of the conductor, driving him off the podium and directly into the front row of the audience.

Fortunately, the audience were sitting in folding chairs and thus they were protected from serious injury, for the chairs collapsed under them passing the energy of the impact of the flying conductor backwards into the row of people sitting behind them, who in turn were driven back into the people in the row behind and so on, like a row of dominos. The sound of collapsing wooden chairs and grunts of people falling on their behinds increased logarithmically, adding to the overall sound of brass cannons and brass playing as constitutes the closing measures of the Overture.

Meanwhile, all of this unplanned choreography not withstanding, back on stage Paolo's Waterloo was still unfolding. According to Paolo, "Just as the I heard the sound of the blast, time seemed to stand still. Everything moved in slow motion. Just before I felt searing pain to my mouth, I could swear I heard a voice with a Austrian accent say "Fur every akshon zeriz un eekvul un opposeet reakshon!"

Well, this should come as no surprise, for Paolo had set himself up for a textbook demonstration of this fundamental law of physics. Having failed to plug the lead pipe of his trombone, he allowed the energy of the blast to send a super heated jet of gas backwards through the mouth pipe of the trombone which exited the mouthpiece burning his lips and face.

The pyrotechnic dance wasn't over yet. The force of the blast was so great it split the bell of his shiny Yamaha right down the middle, turning it inside out while at the same time propelling Paolo backwards off the riser. And for the grand finale, as Paolo fell backwards he lost his grip on the slide of the trombone allowing the pressure of the hot gases coursing through the horn to propel the trombone's slide like a double golden spear into the head of the 3rd clarinetist, knocking him unconscious.

The moral of the story? Beware the next time you hear someone in the trombone section yell out, "Hey, everyone, watch this!"

Holiday Greetings

Dear Darling Son and That Person You Married,

Merry Christmas to you, and please don't worry. I'm just fine considering I can't breathe or eat. The important thing is that you have a nice holiday, thousands of miles away from your ailing mother. I've sent along my last ten dollars in this card, which I hope you'll spend on my grandchildren. God knows their mother never buys them anything nice. They look so thin in their pictures, poor babies.

Thank you so much for the Christmas flowers, dear boy. I put them in the freezer so they'll stay fresh for my grave. Which reminds me -- we buried Grandma last week. I know she died years ago, but I got to yearning for a good funeral so Aunt Viola and I dug her up and had the services all over again. I would have invited you, but I know that woman you live with would have never let you come. I bet she's never even watched that videotape of my hemorrhoid surgery, has she?

Well son, it's time for me to crawl off to bed now. I lost my cane beating off muggers last week, but don't you worry about me. I'm also getting used to the cold since they turned my heat off and am grateful because the frost on my bed numbs the constant pain. Now don't you even think about sending any more money, because I know you need it for those expensive family vacations you take every year. Give my love to my darling grandbabies and my regards to whatever-her-name-is -- the one with the black roots who stole you screaming from my bosom.

Merry Christmas.

Love, Mom

Driving Humor

Junior had just received his brand new drivers license. The family troops out the driveway where he is going to take them for a ride for the first time. Dad immediately heads for the back seat, directly behind the newly minted driver.

"I'll bet you're back there to get a change of scenery after all those months of sitting in the front passenger seat teaching me how to drive," says the beamish boy to the 'ole man.

"Nope," comes dad's reply, "I'm gonna sit here and kick the back of your seat as you drive, just like you've been doing to me all these years!"

Medical Humor

The patient was lying in bed, still groggy from the effects of the recent operation. His doctor came in, looking very glum. "I can't be sure what's wrong with you," the doctor said. "I think it's the drinking."

"Okay," the patient said. "Can we get an opinion from a doctor who's sober?"

Martha Stewart's Christmas letter to Erma Bombeck

Hi Erma,

This perfectly delightful note is being sent on paper I made myself to tell you what I have been up to. Since it snowed last night, I got up early and made a sled with old barn wood and a glue gun. I hand painted it in gold leaf, got out my loom, and made a blanket in peaches and mauves. Then to make the sled complete, I made a white horse to pull it, from DNA that I had just sitting around in my craft room. By then, it was time to start making the place mats and napkins for my 20 breakfast guests. I'm serving the old standard Stewart twelve- course breakfast, but I'll let you in on a little secret: I didn't have time to make the tables and chairs this morning, so I used the ones I had on hand. Before I moved the table into the dining room, I decided to add just a touch of the holidays. So I repainted the room in pinks and stenciled gold stars on the ceiling. Then, while the homemade bread was rising, I took antique candle molds and made the dishes (exactly the same shade of pink) to use for breakfast. These were made from Hungarian clay, which you can get at almost any Hungarian craft store. Well, I must run. I need to finish the buttonholes on the dress I'm wearing for breakfast. I'll get out the sled and drive this note to the post office as soon as the glue dries on the envelope I'll be making. Hope my breakfast guests don't stay too long, I have 40,000 cranberries to string with bay leaves before my speaking engagement at noon. It's a good thing.

Love,
Martha Stewart

P.S. When I made the ribbon for this typewriter, I used 1/8-inch gold gauze. I soaked the gauze in a mixture of white grapes and blackberries, which I grew, picked, and crushed last week just for fun.

---------------------------------------------------

Response from Erma Bombeck:

Dear Martha,

I'm writing this on the back of an old shopping list, pay no attention to the coffee and jelly stains. I'm 20 minutes late getting my daughter up for school, packing a lunch with one hand, on the phone with the dog pound, seems old Ruff needs bailing out, again. Burnt my arm on the curling iron when I was trying to make those cute curly fries, how DO they do that? Still can't find the scissors to cut out some snowflakes, tried using an old disposable razor ... trashed the tablecloth. Tried that cranberry thing, frozen cranberries mushed up after I defrosted them in the microwave. Oh, and don't use Fruity Pebbles as a substitute in that Rice Krispie snowball recipe, unless you happen to like a disgusting shade that resembles puke! The smoke alarm is going off, talk to ya later.

Love,
Erma

Newspaper headlines in the year 2035

Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh
largest country in the world, California.

White minorities still trying to have English recognized as
California's third language.

Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops &
livestock.

Baby conceived naturally.... Scientists stumped.

Last remaining Fundamentalist Muslim dies in the American Territory
of the Middle East (formerly known as Iran, Iraq, Afghanistan, Syria, and
Lebanon).

North Korea still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at
least ten more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.

Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported
legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.

George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.

Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and
reduces mail delivery to Wednesday only.

35 year study: Diet and Exercise is the key to weight loss.

Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.

Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil
rights.

Average height of NBA players now nine feet, seven inches.

New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly
swatters, and rolled up newspapers must be registered by January
2036.

Congress authorizes direct deposit of illegal political
contributions to campaign accounts.

IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75%.

Florida Democrats still don't know how to use a voting machine.

So What's The Moral Of The Story??

An unemployed man is desperate to support his family. His wife watches TV all day and his three teenage kids have dropped out of high school to hang around with the local toughs. He applies for a janitor's job at a large firm and easily passes an aptitude test. The human resources manager tells him, "You will be hired at minimum wage of $5.15 an hour. Let me have your e-mail address so that we can get you in the loop. Our system will automatically e- mail you all the forms and advise you when to start and where to report on your first day."

Taken aback, the man protests that he is poor and has neither a computer nor an e-mail address. To this the manager replies, "You must understand that to a company like ours that means that you virtually do not exist. Without an e-mail address you can hardly expect to be employed by a high-tech firm. Good day."

Stunned, the man leaves. Not knowing where to turn and having $10 in his wallet, he walks past a farmers' market and sees a stand selling 25 pound crates of beautiful red tomatoes. He buys a crate, carries it to a busy corner and displays the tomatoes. In less than 2 hours he sells all the tomatoes and makes 100% profit.

Repeating the process several times more that day, he ends up with almost $100 and arrives home that night with several bags of groceries for his family.

During the night he decides to repeat the tomato business the next day. By the end of the week he is getting up early every day and working into the night. He multiplies his profits quickly.

Early in the second week he acquires a cart to transport several boxes of tomatoes at a time, but before a month is up he sells the cart to buy a broken-down pickup truck.

At the end of a year he owns three old trucks. His two sons have left their neighborhood gangs to help him with the tomato business, his wife is buying the tomatoes, and his daughter is taking night courses at the community college so she can keep books for him. By the end of the second year he has a dozen very nice used trucks and employs fifteen previously unemployed people, all selling tomatoes. He continues to work hard. Time passes and at the end of the fifth year he owns a fleet of ice trucks and a warehouse, which his wife supervises, plus two tomato farms that the boys manage.

The tomato company's payroll has put hundreds of homeless and jobless people to work. His daughter reports that the business grossed a million dollars.

Planning for the future, he decides to buy some life insurance. Consulting with an insurance adviser, he picks an insurance plan to fit his new circumstances. Then the adviser asks him for his e-mail address in order to send the final documents electronically.

When the man replies that he doesn't have time to mess with a computer and has no e-mail address, the insurance man is stunned, "What, you don't have e-mail? No computer? No Internet? Just think where you would be today if you'd had all of that five years ago!"

"Ha!" snorts the man. "If I'd had e-mail five years ago I would be sweeping floors at Microsoft and making $5.15 an hour."

Which brings us to the moral: ..........................

Since you got this story by e-mail, you're probably closer to being a janitor than a millionaire.

Sadly, I received it also.

Metric Conversion Chart

10^12 microphones = 1 megaphone

10^6 bicycles = 1 megacycles

500 millinaries = 1 seminary

2000 mockingbirds = 2 kilomockingbirds

10 cards = 1 decacards

1/2 lavatory = 1 demijohn

10^-6 fish = 1 microfiche

454 graham crackers = 1 pound cake

10^12 pins = 1 terrapin

10^21 picolos = 109 los = 1 gigolo

10 rations = 1 decoration

100 rations = 1 C-ration

10 millipedes = 1 centipede

3 1/3 tridents = 1 decadent

10 monologs = 5 dialogues

5 dialogues = 1 decalogue

2 monograms = 1 diagram

8 nickels = 2 paradigms

2 snake eyes = 1 paradise

2 wharves = 1 paradox

10^-6 phones = 1 microphone

10^6 phones = 1 megaphone

10^-2 mental = 1 centimental

10^-1 mate = 1 decimate

10^12 bulls = 1 terabull

10^-12 boos = 1 picoboo

10^-15 bismol = 1 femtobismol

Ultimate Final Exam

Instructions: Read each question thoroughly. Answer
all questions. Time limit - four hours. Begin
immediately.

History
Describe the history of the Papacy from its origins to the
present day, concentrate specifically but not exclusively,
on the social, political, economic, religious, and
philosophical impact on Europe, Asia, America and Africa. Be
brief, concise and specific.

Literature
Compose an epic poem based on the events of your own life in
which you see and footnote allusions from T.S. Eliot, Keats,
Chaucer, Dante, Norse mythology and the Marx brothers.
Critique your poem with a full discussion of its metrics.

Music
Write a piano concerto. Orchestrate it and perform it with
flute and drum. You will find a piano under your seat.

Art
Explain the Mona Lisa's smile. Relate all interpretations
associated with it.

Religion
Assuming the Judeo-Christian moral structure, take the stand
for Adam and Eve, and the eating of the forbidden fruit.
Explain your position fully to a Chassidic Rabbi, and answer
his arguments. An Anglican bishop will moderate this debate.

Logic
Using accepted methodology prove all four of the following:
the universe is infinite; truth is beauty; there is not a
little person who turns off the light in the refrigerator
when you close the door, and that you are the person taking
this exam. Now disprove all of the above. Be specific; show
all work.

Philosophy
Sketch the development of human thought; estimate its
significance. Compare with the development of any other kind
of thought.

Epistemology
Take a position for or against truth. Prove the validity of
your position.

Medicine
You have been provided with a razor blade, a piece of gauze,
and a bottle of Scotch. Remove your own appendix. Do not
suture until your work has been inspected. You have fifteen
minutes.

Biology
Create life. Estimate the differences in subsequent human
culture if this form of life had developed five hundred
years earlier, with special attention to the probable
effects on the English Parliamentary system. Prove your
thesis.

Psychology
Employing principles from the major schools of
psychoanalytic thought, successfully subject yourself to
analysis. Make appropriate personality changes, bill
yourself and fill out all medical insurance forms. Now do
the same to the person seated to your immediate left. Also,
based on your degree of knowledge of their works, evaluate
the emotional stability, degree of adjustment, and repressed
frustrations of each of the following Alexander of
Aphrodisias, Rameses II, Gregory of Nicea, Hammurabi.
Support your evaluations with quotations from each man's
work, making appropriate references. It is not necessary to
translate.

Sociology
Estimate the sociological problems that might accompany the
end of the world. Construct and experiment to test your
theory.

Economics
Develop a realistic plan for refinancing the national debt.
Trace the possible effects of you plan in the following
areas Cubism, the Donatist controversy, the wave theory of
light. Outline a method from all points of view. Point out
deficiencies in your argument as demonstrated in your answer
to the last question.

Computer Science
Define computer. Define Science. How do they relate? Why?
Create a generalized algorithm to optimize all computer
decisions. Assuming an 1130 CPU supporting 50 terminals,
each terminal to activate your algorithm, design the
communications to interface and all the necessary control
programs.

Management Science
Define Management. Define Science. How do they relate? Why?
Create a generalized algorithm to optimize all managerial
decisions. Assuming an 1130 CPU supporting 50 terminals,
each terminal to activate your algorithm; design the
communications interface and all necessary control programs.

Public Speaking
2,500 riot-crazed students are storming the classroom. Calm
them. You may use any ancient language except Latin or
Greek.

Physics
Explain the nature of matter. Include in your answer an
evaluation of the impact of the development of mathematics
on science.

Modern Physics
Disprove Einstein's Theory of Relativity. Construct an
experiment to prove your position.

Engineering
The disassembled parts of a high-powered rifle have been
placed in a box on your desk. You will also find an
instruction manual, printed in Swahili. In ten minutes a
hungry Bengal tiger will be admitted to the room. Take
whatever action you feel is appropriate. Prove your
assertions, and be prepared to cost- and motion- justify
your decision.

Agricultural Science
Outline the steps involved in breeding your own super high
yield, all weather hybrid strain of wheat. Describe its
chemical and physical properties and estimate its impact on
world food supplies. Construct a model for dealing with
world-wide surpluses. Write your Nobel Prize acceptance
speech.

Comprehension
Three minute time test. Read everything before doing
anything. Put your name in the upper right hand corner of
this page. Circle the word name in sentence three. Sign your
name under the title of this paper, after the title write
yes, yes, yes. Put an X in the lower left hand corner of
this paper. Draw a triangle around the X you just put down.
On the back of this paper multiply 703x668. Loudly call out
your name when you get to this point. If you think you have
followed directions carefully to this point call out "I
have." Punch three small holes in the top of this paper. If
you are the first person to get this far, call out "I am the
first person to this point, I am leading in following
directions." On the reverse side of this paper add 8950 and
9850. Put a circle around your answer and put a square
around the circle. Now that you have finished reading
carefully, do only sentence two.

Political Science
There is a red telephone on the desk behind you. Start World
War III. Report at length on its socio-political effects, if
any.

Jurisprudence
In Part 2 of Shakespeare's "Henry VI", Jack Cade, the leader
of the Populist revolt, proposes that the first order of
business following a successful coup d'e'tat could be to
"kill all the lawyers". In light of the present populist
mood in the United States, assess the utility and any
potential impact of such a policy today.

Foreign Affairs
It has recently been suggested (especially after Black
Monday) that only a foreign war can restore America's lost
national consensus. Propose the ideal opponent(s) for the US
in such a war, and how the conflict might be engineered so
that US would seem not to be the aggressor in the situation.
Discuss the pros and cons.

Mathematics
Give today's date, in metric.

Chemistry
Transform lead into gold. You will find a tripod and three
logs under your seat. Show all work including Feynman
diagrams and quantum functions for all steps. You have
fifteen minutes.

General Knowledge
Describe in detail. Be objective and specific.

Extra Credit
Define the Universe. Give two examples.

A Collection of Life Observations

I've learned you can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk. -- age 6

I've learned I like my teacher because she cries when we sing "Silent Night" - age 7

I've learned when I wave to people in the country, they stop what they are doing and wave back. -- age 9

I've learned that just when I get my room the way I like it, Mom makes me clean it up. -- age 12

I've learned that if you want to cheer yourself up, you should try cheering someone else up. -- age 13

I've learned that although it's hard to admit it, I'm secretly glad my parents are strict with me. -- age 15

I've learned that silent company is often more healing than words of advice. -- age 24

I've learned that brushing my child's hair is one of life's great pleasures. -- age 25

I've learned that if someone says something unkind about me, I must live so that no one will believe it. -- age 39

I've learned there are people who love you dearly but just don't know how to show it. - -age 41

I've learned you can make someone's day by simply sending them a little card. -- age 44

I've learned that the greater a person's sense of guilt, the greater his need to cast blame on others. -- age 45

I've learned that children and grandchildren are natural allies. -- age 46

I've learned that singing "Amazing Grace" can lift my spirits for hours. -- age 49

I've learned that motel mattresses are better on the side away from the phone. -- age 50

I've learned that you can tell a lot about a man by the way he handles these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights.-- age 52

I've learned that regardless of your relationship with your parents, you miss them terribly after they die. -- age 53

I've learned that making a living is not the same thing as making a life. -- age 58

I've learned that if you want to do something positive for your children, try to improve your marriage. -- age 61

I've learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance. -- age 62

I've learned that you shouldn't go through life with a catcher's mitt on both hands. You need to throw something back. --age 64

I've learned that if you pursue happiness, it will elude you. But if you focus on your family, the needs of others, your work, meeting new people and doing the very best you can, happiness will find you. -- age 65

I've learned that whenever I decide something with kindness, I usually make the right decision. -- age 66

I've learned that everyone can use a prayer. -- age 72

I've learned that it pays to believe in miracles. And to tell you the truth, I've seen several. -- age 73

I've learned that even when I have pains, I don't have to be one. -- age 82

I've learned that everyday you should reach out and touch someone. People love that human touch -- holding hands, a warm hug or just a friendly pat on the back. -- age 85

I've learned that I still have a lot to learn. -- age 92

Good Point

An old Native American wanted a loan for $500. The banker pulled out the loan application and asked, "What are you going to do with the money?"

"Take jewelry to city and sell it," was the response.

"What have you got for collateral?"

"Don't know collateral."

"Well that's something of value that would cover the cost of the loan. Have you got any vehicles?"

"Yes, 1949 Chevy pickup."

The banker shook his head, "How about livestock?"

"Yes, I have a horse."

"How old is it?"

"Don't know, has no teeth."

Finally the banker decided to make the $500 loan. Several weeks later the old man was back in the bank. He pulled out a roll of bills, "Here to pay." he said. He then handed the banker the money to pay his loan off.

"What are you going to do with the rest of that money?"

"Put in teepee."

"Why don't you deposit it in my bank," he asked.

"Don't know deposit."

"You put the money in our bank and we take care of it for you. When you want to use it you can withdraw it."

The old Indian leaned across the desk, "What you got for collateral?"

You Don't Have What!!??

A woman walks into a convenience store. She walks straight to the manager and asks, "Do you have any small note- books?"

"Sorry," says the manager. "We're all out."

The woman shrugs, and asks, "Well, do you have any mechanical pencils?"

"Nope, don't have that either," says the manager.

The woman feels her stomach rumbling and asks, "Do you have Doritos? Nachos?"

The manager shrugs, "Sorry."

"Hmmph. How about Chapstick?" says the woman.

"Nope. Don't have that."

"Wow!" the woman shouts, "If you don't have anything, you should close the stupid store!"

The manager shrugs, "Don't have the key."

Groaner

King Ozymandias of Assyria was running low on cash after
years of war with the Hittites. His last great possession
was the Star of the Euphrates, the most valuable diamond
in the ancient world. Desperate, he went to Crosus, the
pawnbroker, to ask for a loan. Crosus said, "I'll give you
100,000 dinars for it." "But I paid a million dinars for
it," the King protested. "Don't you know who I am? I am the
King!"

Crosus replied, "When you wish to pawn a Star... it makes
no difference who you are!"

Rules for Men's Gifts

Rule #1: When in doubt -- buy him a cordless drill. It does not matter if
he already has one. I have a friend who owns 17 of them, and he has yet
to complain. As a man, you can never have too many cordless drills.

For that matter any power tool is a good choice. He may not need it, or
know what it does, but it will look good hung on the peg board in the
garage.

Rule #2: If you cannot afford a cordless drill, buy him anything with the
word ratchet or socket in it. Men love saying those two words. "Hey
George, can I borrow your ratchet?" "OK. By the way, are you through with
my 3/8-inch socket yet?"

Rule #3: If you are really, really broke, buy him anything for his car.
A 99-cent ice scraper, a small bottle of deicer or something to hang from
his rear view mirror. Men love gifts for their cars.

Rule #4: Do not buy men socks. Do not buy men ties and never buy men
bathrobes. If God had wanted men to wear bathrobes, he wouldn't have
invented Jockey shorts.

Rule #5: You can buy men new remote controls to replace the ones they have
worn out. If you have a lot of money buy your man a big-screen TV with
the little picture in the corner. Watch him go wild as he flips, and flips,
and flips.

Rule #6: Do not buy a man any of those fancy liqueurs. If you do, it will
sit in a cupboard for 23 years.

Rule #7: Do not buy any man industrial-sized canisters of after shave or
deodorant. We do not stink -- we are earthy.

Rule #8: Buy men label makers. Almost as good as cordless drills.
Within a couple of weeks there will be labels absolutely everywhere. "Socks.
Shorts. Cups. Saucers. Door. Lock. Sink." You get the idea. No one knows why.

Rule #9: Never buy a man anything that says "some assembly required" on
the box. It will ruin his Special Day and he will always have parts left over.

Rule #10: Good places to shop for men include Northwest Iron Works, Parr
Lumber, Home Depot, John Deere, Valley RV Center, and Les Schwab Tire.
(NAPA Auto Parts and Sears Clearance Centers are also excellent men's
stores.

It doesn't matter if he doesn't know what it is. "(From NAPA Auto, eh?
Must be something I need. Hey! Isn't this a starter for a '68 Ford Fairlane?
Wow! Thanks.")

Rule #11: Men enjoy danger. That's why they never cook - but they will
barbecue.

Get him a monster barbecue with a 100-pound propane tank. Tell him the
gas line leaks. "Oh the thrill! The challenge! Who wants a hamburger?"

Rule #12: Tickets to a professional sports game (any team within 300
miles) are a smart gift. However, he will not appreciate tickets to "A
Retrospective of 19th Century Quilts."

Rule #13: Men love chain saws. Never, ever, buy a man you love a chain
saw. If you don' t know why - please refer to Rule #8 and what happens when he
gets a label maker.

Rule #14: It's hard to beat a really good wheelbarrow or an aluminum
extension ladder.

Never buy a real man a step ladder. It must be an extension ladder.

Rule #15: Rope. Men love rope. It takes us back to our cowboy origins,
or at least the Boy Scouts. Nothing says love like a hundred feet of 3/8"
manila rope.

Rule #16: Clamps. Men can never have enough quick grip clamps. No one
knows why.

Rule #17: Buy your man Duct Tape. This is a man's most universal repair tool.
All men know, if you can't fix it, duct it.

Teacher's Pets

Chronicle of Higher Education—From the issue dated January 9, 2004

http://chronicle.com/weekly/v50/i18/18b00501.htm

By MIKITA BROTTMAN

When I attended a job interview at the Maryland Institute College of Art, in Baltimore, I was surprised to see a number of dogs — indoors in the art studios as well as outdoors in the public areas. When I asked about this, I was told that MICA has a long tradition of allowing pets on the campus, and that students are even permitted to bring their dogs to class. In my experience, such a policy is rare, perhaps even unique, among institutions of higher education. Of course, there are strict rules about pet behavior at the institute. The official pet policy states: “Pets on campus must be kept on a leash and should be controlled by their owner so that they are not a problem for members of the MICA community. They may not roam freely through studios, classrooms, offices, or public spaces.” Additionally, pets are not permitted anywhere on the campus where food is prepared or served.

The pet policy first struck me as rather imprudent. Allowing animals into the classroom sounded like a disaster. I imagined my lectures being disturbed by rambunctious dogs getting frisky, starting fights with each other, needing to be taken outside when nature calls. I also couldn’t help thinking about the possible hazards of dogs in the studio — knocking over pots of paint, trampling on works of art, sniffing nude models in embarrassing places. In practice, however, I have discovered that the policy works surprisingly well, mainly because the only dogs brought into class are extremely well behaved.

Most students don’t bring their dogs to MICA. Dogs are not allowed in the dormitories, and student life in general, even for those living off campus, is usually too active and unpredictable to be conducive to dog care. In fact, the dogs seen most commonly on campus belong to members of the faculty. Jupiter, the associate dean’s Jack Russell terrier, is well known, as is Gelbert, a gentle Australian sheepdog belonging to Carole Poppleton, a fellow language-and-literature professor. Well behaved and discreet, Gelbert is a welcome visitor in all classes and offices on our floor, and students often drop by Carole’s office just to spend some time with him. “He’s especially well loved by students who miss their household pets,” says Carole, who works mainly with second-language students — many of them from China and South Korea — who often feel lonely and depressed so far away from home. “Having Gelbert in the classroom helps students relax and open up,” she says. “He helps break the ice and gives the more reserved students something to talk about.” The sheepdog also provides comic relief during lectures, when his well-timed yawns or snores can remind Carole that the class is long overdue for a break.

According to MICA’s vice president and dean of academic affairs, Ray Allen, there are far fewer dogs at the institute now than there were 30 years ago, when the area around the campus was more dangerous, and students often liked to have dogs for their protection, especially when walking home at night. Allen himself brought his Airedale into his office for 12 years. And the chief librarian at the time, he says, had a dog that virtually lived underneath his desk. Those were obviously well-behaved animals, accustomed to community life. But not all dogs are so obedient. One student last year was asked to stop entering campus buildings with his large, aggressive, unneutered pit bull, whose presence made a number of students and staff members very uncomfortable.

Dogs are by far the most visible pets on the campus, but not the only ones. One student sometimes brings his pet ferret on a leash; a hedgehog reportedly made an appearance on a couple of occasions; and I even observed a class in which a hamster, inside a ball, rolled happily around on the floor during a lecture. Since the peripatetic creature was presented in the guise of an artwork, though, perhaps it shouldn’t really count as a classroom pet.

Pets have long been valued for their therapeutic capacities. Dentists and psychiatrists often have aquariums in their waiting rooms, as watching tropical fish is believed to have a calming effect on stressed-out patients. Prison inmates who are allowed to take care of birds and small animals have allegedly become less emotionally isolated, less prone to violence, and have exhibited higher morale. Also popular are more-generalized forms of animal-assisted therapy, in which pets — usually dogs — are taken into hospitals, nursing homes, prisons, and other facilities. Psychologists have suggested that the presence of a friendly pet can help people recover from physical illness and emotional trauma. A number of well-known studies have shown that petting a dog, or simply being in the same room with a dog, has a soothing effect upon people, reducing blood pressure and heart rate.

According to Alan Beck and Aaron Katcher, in their book Between Pets and People: The Importance of Animal Companionship, the proximity of a pet has an effect not unlike that of the presence of the silent but understanding therapist.

“The difficult art in therapy,” they write, “is achieving a mutual feeling of intimacy without touching.” With an animal, that is not a problem. In the relationship between humans and animals, unlike so many other forms of interaction today, touching is never taboo.

Pets also play an important therapeutic role in the lives of creative artists. Many writers have had close relationships with their pets, which have provided them with inspiration and material, or, at the least, have given them comfort when their work was not going as well as it might. Among pet-loving writers, it appears that the animal of choice is not the dog, which is too dependent and demanding, but the cat, which is more composed and detached. In fact, judging from literary biography, cats have presided over the crafting of many classics.

Charles Dickens’s cat, it is said, kept him company in his study as he wrote, and when she wanted his attention, she would snuff out his reading candle with her paw. Edgar Allan Poe’s cat, Catarina, the inspiration for his macabre tale “The Black Cat” and the essay “Instinct vs. Reason — A Black Cat,” used to enjoy sitting on his shoulder as he wrote. During the winter of 1846, when Poe was destitute and his wife, Virginia, was fatally ill with tuberculosis, Catarina would curl up on the bed, providing the dying woman with warmth. Harriet Beecher Stowe took in a stray Maltese cat, Calvin, which arrived on her doorstep one day demanding food. This grateful creature, another shoulder-sitter, repaid Stowe for her kindness by radiating calm “during hours of frenzied writing,” as Stowe put it. An often overlooked advantage of the word processor is the many comfortable places it provides for companionable cats to perch — more comfy than a shoulder, at any rate.

Ernest Hemingway kept a brood of Maine coon cats with extra toes and a problem with premature tooth decay. Jeoffrey, the cat of the 18th-century poet Christopher Smart, kept Smart company when he was going insane, and was in part the inspiration for his best-known work, the “Jubilate Agno.” The best-known lines of this long poem begin, “For I will consider my cat Jeoffrey,” and proceed with a litany of fulsome praise of the cat’s activities: “For he keeps the Lord’s watch in the night against the adversary. / ... For he counteracts the Devil, who is death, by brisking about the life.”

Other authors who testified to the importance of cats in their lives and work include Colette, Théophile Gautier, Thomas Hardy, Edward Lear, Pierre Loti, Rainer Maria Rilke, and Horace Walpole, whose cat, Selina, accidentally drowned in a goldfish bowl — a sad occasion commemorated in an epitaph by the poet Thomas Gray. The moral of Selina’s tragic end is told in the last verse:

From hence, ye beauties, undeceived,

Know, one false step is ne’er retrieved

And be with caution bold.
Not all that tempts your wand’ring eyes
And heedless hearts is lawful prize.
Nor all that glitters, gold.

One of the most famous of the literary felines was Hodge, who kept Samuel Johnson company as he labored at his dictionary. Johnson’s biographer, Boswell, was surprised at the indulgence with which Hodge was treated by the doctor, who made special trips into town to purchase oysters for his pet. Boswell also recalled seeing Hodge “scrambling up Dr. Johnson’s breast, apparently with much satisfaction,” while the Doctor rubbed the cat’s back and gently tugged his tail. Boswell famously reported his own remark that Hodge was a fine cat, to which Johnson replied, “Why, yes, sir, but I have had cats whom I liked better than this.” Then, evidently observing that Hodge looked a little put out, he added, “But he is a very fine cat; a very fine cat indeed.”

It seems odd that despite their association with creativity, pets are rarely tolerated in institutions of higher learning. Accordingly, some scholars have rebelled at the prohibition. When Lord Byron moved into Trinity College, Cambridge, and was informed that undergraduates were not allowed to keep dogs in their rooms, he exchanged his dog for another animal. On October 26, 1807, he announced in a letter to Elizabeth Pigot, “I have got a new friend, the finest in the world, a tame Bear.” Since there was no mention of bears in the Trinity statutes, the authorities had no legal basis on which to complain. Byron was allowed to keep his new pet, which caused quite a sensation when he walked it around on a chain. The Cambridge dons were less than amused, however. “When I brought him here,” wrote Byron, “they asked me what I meant to do with him, and my reply was ‘he should sit for a Fellowship.’ ... This answer delighted them not.”

One can well imagine. Even the dons at MICA would doubtless draw the line at a bear — unless, of course, it was part of an artwork.

Mikita Brottman is a professor of liberal arts at the Maryland Institute College of Art. Her new book, Funny Peculiar: Gershon Legman and the Psychopathology of Humor, is forthcoming in February 2004 from the Analytic Press.

http://chronicle.com
Section: The Chronicle Review
Volume 50, Issue 18, Page B5

Copyright © 2004 by The Chronicle of Higher Education

True Southerners

1.) Only a true Southerner knows the difference between a hissie
fit and a conniption, and that you don't "HAVE" them, --
you "PITCH" them.

2.) Only a true Southerner knows how many fish, collard greens,
turnip greens, peas, beans, etc. make up "a mess."

3.) Only a true Southerner can show or point out to you the
general direction of "yonder."

4.) Only a true Southerner knows exactly how long "directly" is -
as in: "Going to town, be back directly."

5.) All true Southerners, even babies, know that "Gimme some
sugar" is not a request for the white, granular sweet substance
that sits in a pretty little bowl on the middle of the table.

6.) All true Southerners know exactly when "by and by" is. They
might not use the term, but they know the concept well.

7.) Only a true Southerner knows instinctively that the best
gesture of solace for a neighbor who's got trouble is a plate of
hot fried chicken and a big bowl of cold potato salad. (If the
neighbor's trouble is a real crisis, they also know to add a large
banana puddin'!)

8.) Only true Southerners grow up knowing the difference
between "right near" and "a right far piece." They also know
that "just down the road" can be 1 mile or 20.

9.) Only a true Southerner both knows and understands the
difference between a redneck, a good ol' boy, and po' white trash.

10.) No true Southerner would ever assume that the car with the
flashing turn signal is actually going to make a turn.

11.) A true Southerner knows that "fixin'" can be used as a noun,
a verb, or an adverb.

12.) Only a true Southerner knows that the term "booger" can be a
resident of the nose, a descriptive, as in "that ol' booger," a
first name or something that jumps out ! at you in the dark and
scares you senseless.

13.) Only true Southerners make friends while standing in lines.
We don't do "queues", we do "lines," and when we're "in line," not
"on line," we talk to everybody!

14.) Put 100 true Southerners in a room and half of them will
discover they're related, even if only by marriage.

15.) True Southerners never refer to one person as "y'all."
"Y'all is the contraction of you all, and it is plural, not singular.

16.) True Southerners know grits come from corn and how to eat
them, with lots of butter, but never milk and sugar.

17.) Every true Southerner knows tomatoes with eggs, bacon, grits,
and coffee are perfectly wonderful; that redeye gravy is also a
breakfast food; and that fried green tomatoes are not a breakfast
food.

18.) When you hear someone say, "Well, I caught myself
lookin' .. ," you know you are in the presence of a genuine
Southerner!

19.) Only true Southerners say "sweet tea" and "sweet milk." Sweet
tea indicates the need for sugar and lots of it - we do not like
our tea unsweetened. "Sweet milk" means you don't want buttermilk.

20.) A true Southerner knows that if you are with a couple of
friends you, you could be with 2 or 10. The number doesn't matter.

21.) And a true Southerner knows you don't scream obscenities at
little old ladies who drive 30 MPH on the freeway. You just
say, "Bless her heart" and go your own way.

Clinton / Saddam Humor (Originally Received 12/12/98)

Saddam Hussein and Bill Clinton meet up in Baghdad for the first round of talks in a new peace process. When Bill sits down, he notices three buttons on the side of Saddam's chair.

They begin talking. After about five minutes Saddam presses the first button. A boxing glove springs out of a box on the desk and punches Clinton in the face.

Confused, Clinton carries on talking as Saddam laughs.

A few minutes later the second button is pressed. This time a big boot comes out and kicks Clinton in the shin. Again Saddam laughs, and again Clinton carries on talking, not wanting to put off the bigger issue of peace between the two countries.

But when the third button is pressed and another boot comes out and kicks Clinton in the privates, he's finally had enough, knowing that he can't do much without them functioning well. "I'm going back home!" he tells the Iraqi. "We'll finish these talks in two weeks!"

A fortnight passes and Saddam flies to the United States for talks. As the two men sit down, Hussein notices three buttons on Clinton's chair and prepares himself for the Yank's revenge.

They begin talking and Bill presses the first button. Saddam ducks, but nothing happens. Clinton snickers. A few seconds
later he presses the second button. Saddam jumps up, but again nothing happens. Clinton roars with laughter. When the third button is pressed, Saddam jumps up again, and again nothing happens. Clinton falls on the floor in a fit of hysterics.

"Forget this," says Saddam. "I'm going back to Baghdad!"

Clinton says through tears of laughter, "What Baghdad?"

Deep Hole

Two guys are walking through the woods and come across this big deep hole.

"Wow...that looks deep." "Sure does... toss a few pebbles in there and see how deep it is."

They pick up a few pebbles and throw them in and wait... no noise "Wow. That is REALLY deep... here.. throw one of these great big rocks down there. Those should make a noise."

They pick up a couple football-sized rocks and toss them into the hole and wait... and wait. Nothing.

They look at each other in amazement. One gets a determined look on his face and says, "Hey...over here in the weeds, there's a railroad tie. Help me carry it over here. When we toss THAT sucker in, it's GOTTA make some noise."

The two drag the heavy tie over to the hole and heave it in. Not a sound comes from the hole.

Suddenly, out of the nearby woods, a goat appears, running like the wind. It rushes toward the two men, then right past them, running as fast as it's legs will carry it. Suddenly it leaps in the air and into the hole.

The two men are astonished with what they've just seen... Then, out of the woods comes a farmer who spots the men and ambles over.

"Hey... you two guys seen my goat out here?"

"You bet we did! Craziest thing I ever seen! It came running like crazy and just jumped into this hole!"

"Nah", says the farmer, "That couldn't have been MY goat. My goat was chained to a railroad tie."

Dilbert's Words Of Wisdom

1. I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn't looking good either.

2. I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.

3. Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?

4. I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.

5. Someday we'll look back on all this and plow into a parked car.

6. There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.

7. Tell me what you need and I'll tell you how to get along without it.

8. Accept that some days you're the pigeon, some days you're the statue.

9. Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn't there the first time you need him, chances are you won't be needing him again.

10. I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.

11. Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, "Where the heck is the ceiling?!"

12. My Reality Check bounced.

13. On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.

14. I don't suffer from stress. I'm a carrier.

15. Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.

Redneck Nativity (from a transplanted Northerner, obviously!)

In a small Southern town there was a Nativity scene that showed that great skill and talent had gone into creating it. One small feature bothered me. The three wise men were wearing firemen's helmets. Totally unable to come up with a reason or explanation, I left. At a Quick Stop on the edge of town, I asked the lady behind the counter about the helmets.

She exploded into a rage, yelling at me. "You darn Yankees never do read the Bible!"

I assured her that I did but simply couldn't recall anything about firemen in the Bible. She jerked her Bible from behind the counter, ruffled thru some pages, and finally jabbed her finger at a passage.

Sticking it in my face she said, "See, it says right here, 'The three wise men came from afar.'"

Santa Humor?

Santa Claus, like all pilots, gets regular visits from the Federal Aviation Administration, and it was shortly before Christmas when the FAA examiner arrived.

In preparation, Santa had the elves wash the sled and bathe all the reindeer. Santa got his logbook out and made sure all his paperwork was in order.

The examiner walked slowly around the sled. He checked the reindeer harnesses, the landing gear, and Rudolf's nose. He painstakingly reviewed Santa's weight and balance calculations for the sled's enormous payload.

Finally, they were ready for the checkride. Santa got in, fastened his seatbelt and shoulder harness, and checked the compass. Then the examiner hopped in carrying, to Santa's surprise, a shotgun.

"What's that for?" asked Santa incredulously.

The examiner winked and said, "I'm not supposed to tell you this, but you're gonna lose an engine on takeoff."

Jewish Telegram

"Begin Worrying. Details to Follow!"

Jewish Humor

A man called his mother in Florida. He said to his mother, "How are you doing? " She said, "Not too good. I've been very weak." The son then asked, "Why are you so weak?" She said, "Because I haven't eaten in 38 days." The son then asked, "How come you haven't eaten in 38 days? " She said, "Because I didn't want my mouth to be filled with food when you called".

####

Three men, an Italian, a Frenchman and a Jew were condemned to be executed. Their captors told them that they had the right to have a final meal before the execution.

They asked the Frenchman what he wanted. "Give me some good French wine and french bread," he requested. So they gave it to him, he ate it, and then they executed him.

Next it was the Italian's turn. "Give me a big plate of pasta," said the Italian. So they brought it to him, he ate it, and then they executed him.

Now it was the Jew's turn. "I want a big bowl of strawberries," said the Jew.

"Strawberries!!! They aren't even in season! "No, so I'll wait...."

####

A shaddchan (matchmaker) corners a yeshiva bochur and says "Do I have a girl for you!".

"Not interested", replies the bochur.

"But she is beautiful!"

"Yeah?" says the bochur.

"Yes. And she's very rich too."

"Really? "

"And she has great yichus (ancestry)! From a very fine family."

"Sounds great." says the bochur. "But why would a girl like that want to marry me? She'd have to be crazy."

Replies the shaddchan "Well, you can't have everything!".

####

An American tourist in Tel Aviv was about to enter the impressive Mann Auditorium to take in a concert by the Israel Philharmonic. He was admiring the unique architecture, the sweeping lines of the entrance, and the modern decor throughout the building. Finally he turned to his friend and asked if the building was named for Thomas Mann, the world-famous author.

"No," his friend said. "it's named for Frederick Mann, from Philadelphia."

"Really?" I've never heard of him. What did he write? "

"A check."

####

Mr. Rabinowicz goes to the doctor for a check up. After extensive tests the doctor tells him "I'm afraid I have some bad news for you. You only have six months to live."

Mr. Rabinowicz is dumbstruck. After a while he replies "That's terrible doctor. But I must admit to you that I can't afford to pay your bill."

"Ok" says the doctor, "I'll give you a year to live."

####

The first Jewish President is elected. He calls his mother: "Mama, I've won the elections. You've got to come to the swearing-in ceremony."

"I don't know, what would I wear? "

"Don't worry, I'll send you a dressmaker."

"But I only eat kosher food."

"Mama, I am going to be the president. I can get you kosher food."

"But how will I get there?"

"I'll send you a limo. Just come mama."

"Ok, ok, if it makes you happy."

The great day comes and Mama is seated between the Supreme Court Justices and the future Cabinet members. She nudges the gentleman on her right.

"You see that boy, the one giving the speech? ... His brother's a doctor!"

Test For The Kiddies

Match each item in list A with an item in List B:

List A

1. All articles that coruscate with resplendence are not truly auriferous.

2. Sorting on the part of mendicants must be interdicted.

3. Male cadavers are incapable of rendering any testimony.

4. Neophyte's serendipity.

5. A revolving lithic conglomerate accumulates no congeries of small, green, biophytic plant.

7. Members of an avian species of identical plumage tend to congregate.

8. Pulchritude possesses solely cutaneous profundity.

9. Freedom from incrustations of crime is contiguous to rectitude.

10. It is fruitless to become lachrymose of precipitately departed lacteal fluid.

12. Eschew the implement of correction and vitiate the scion.

13. The stylus is more potent than the rapier.

14. It is fruitless to attempt to indoctrinate a superannuated canine with innovative maneuvers.

15. Surveillance should precede saltation.

16. Scintillate, scintillate, asteroid minim. (not a proverb)

17. The person presenting the ultimate cachinnation possesses thereby the optimal cachinnation.

18. Exclusive dedication to necessitous chores without interludes of hedonistic diversion renders John a hebetudinous fellow.

19. Individuals who make their abodes in vitreous edifices would be advised to refrain from catapulting petrious projectiles.

20. Where there are visible vapors having their provenance in ignited carbonaceous materials, there is conflagration.

List B

A. Rolling Stone gathers no Moss.

B. Beauty is only skin-deep.

C. The Pen is Mightier than the Sword.

D. Beggars cannot be choosers.

E. Where there is smoke, there will be fire.

F. Don't cry over Spilt Milk.

G. One who laughs the last, laughs the best.

H. You can't teach an Old Dog new Tricks.

I. Birds of a feather flock together.

J. Cleanliness is next to Godliness.

K. All work and No Play makes Jack a Dull boy.

L. Dead men tell no tales

M. Spare the Rod and Spoil the Child.

N. All that Glitters is not Gold.

O. Those who live Glass Houses should cast no stones.

P. Twinkle twinkle little star

Q. Beginner's luck

R. Look before you leap.

SURVIVAL KIT
A Good Survival Kit for each day.

1. TOOTHPICK...to remind you to pick the good qualities in everyone, including yourself.

2. RUBBERBAND...to remind you to be flexible. Things might not always go the way you want, but it can be worked out.

3. BAND-AID...to remind you to heal hurt feelings, either yours or someone else's.

4. ERASER...to remind you everyone makes mistakes. That's okay, we learn by our errors.

5. CANDY KISS...to remind you everyone needs a hug or a compliment everyday.

6. MINT...to remind you that you are worth a mint to your family.

7. BUBBLE GUM...to remind you to stick with it and you can accomplish anything.

8. PENCIL...to remind you to list your blessings every day.

9. TEA BAG...to remind you to take time to relax daily and go over that list of blessings. This is what makes life worth
living every minute, every day.

Call the KGB

The phone rings at KGB headquarters. They answer:

"Hello?"

"Hello, is this KGB?"

"Yes. What do you want?"

"I'm calling to report my neighbor Yankel Rabinovitz as an enemy of the State. He is hiding undeclared diamonds in his firewood."

"This will be noted."

Next day, the KGB goons come over to Rabinovitz's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept, break every piece of wood, find no diamonds, swear at Yankel Rabinovitz and leave.

The phone rings at Rabinovitz's house. He answers, "Hello."

"Hello, Yankel! Did the KGB come?"

"Yes."

"Did they chop your firewood?"

"Yes, they did."

"Okay, now it's your turn to call. I need my vegetable patch plowed."

You Might Be A Network Engineer if...

* At Christmas, it goes without saying that you will be the one to find the burned out bulb in the string of Christmas lights.
* Choosing to buy flowers for your girlfriend or to spend the money to upgrade your RAM is a moral dilemma.
* Everyone else on the Alaskan Cruise is on deck gazing at the scenery, and you are still on a personal tour of the engine room.
* In college, you thought Spring Break was metal fatigue failure.
* The Salespeople at the local computer store can't answer any of your questions.
* You are at an air show and know how fast the skydivers are falling.
* You bought your wife a new CD ROM drive for her birthday.
* You can quote scenes from any Monty Python movie.
* You can type 70 words per minute but can't read your own handwriting.
* You comment to your wife that her straight hair is nice and parallel.
* You go on the rides at Disneyland and sit backward in the chairs to see how they do the special effects.
* You have saved every power cord from all your broken appliances.
* You have more friends on the Internet than in real life.
* You know what http:// stands for.
* You look forward to Christmas only to put together the kids' toys.
* You see a good design and still have to change it.
* You spent more on your calculator than you did on your wedding ring.
* You still own a slide rule and you know how to use it.
* You think that when people around you yawn, it's because they didn't get enough sleep.
* You window shop at Radio Shack.
* You're both in the backseat of your car, she's looking wistfully at the moon, and you're trying to locate a geosynchronous satellite.
* Your laptop computer costs more than your car.
* Your wife hasn't the foggiest idea of what you do at work.
* You've already calculated how much you make per second.
* You've have tried to repair a $5 radio.

Psychiatric Carols

SCHIZOPHRENIA - Do You Hear What I Hear?

MULTIPLE PERSONALITY - We Three Queens Disoriented Are.

DEMENTIA - I Think I'll Be Home For Christmas.

NARCISSISTIC - Hark The Herald Angels Sing (About Me)

MANIA - Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town ...or Deck the Halls and Spare No Expense!

PARANOIA - Santa Claus is Coming To Get Me.

PERSONALITY DISORDER - You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, then MAYBE I'll tell you why.

DEPRESSION - Silent anhedonia, Holy anhedonia. All is calm, All is pretty lonely.

OBSESSIVE COMPULSIVE - Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell...

BORDERLINE PERSONALITY - Thoughts of Roasting in an Open Fire.

PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE - On the First Day of Christmas My True Love Gave to Me (and then took it all away).

Dog Humor?

A man follows a woman out of a movie theatre. She has a dog on a leash. He stops her and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I couldn't help but notice that your dog was really into the movie. He cried at the right spots, he moved nervously in his seat at the boring parts, but most of all, he laughed like crazy at the funny parts. Did you find that unusual??"

"Yes," she replied, "I found it very unusual ...because he hated the book!"

Archeology Groaner

After a heavy day's digging at the archeological site in Norway,
researchers uncovered a priceless statue of the ancient Norse thunder
god. He had bulging muscles and imposing stance, and of course his
famous giant hammer. But most important of all, the eyes in his
fierce-looking face were made of two giant rubies that glittered
with a brilliant red color.

Of course, the two leading archeologists on the dig were both
determined that they should be the one to have their name listed on
the discovery. Pretty soon, a big argument was underway.

The two provided the others with a great source of amusement for the
evening. By the time they finally gave up and called a truce, everyone
else was feeling quite refreshed by the entertainment. As the crowd
dispersed, one junior digger turned to his friend, and said: "Well,
that was a fight for Thor eyes."

The Rabbi's Hat

A Rabbi is walking slowly down the street when a gust of wind blows his hat from his head. The hat is being blown down the street, but he is an old man and can't walk fast enough to catch the hat. Across the street a Gentile sees what has happened and rushes over to grab the hat and then returns it to the Rabbi.

"I don't think I would have been able to catch my hat," said the Rabbi. "Thank you very much." The Rabbi then places his hand on the man's shoulder and says, "May God bless you."

The young man thinks to himself, "I've been blessed by the Rabbi, this must be my lucky day!"

So he goes to the Racetrack and in the first race he sees there is a horse named Stetson at 20 to 1. He bets $50 and sure enough the horse comes in first. In the second race he sees a horse named Fedora at 30 to 1, so he bets it all and this horse comes in first also.

Finally at the end of the day he returns home to his wife. When she asks him where he's been, he explains how he caught the Rabbi's hat and was blessed by him and then went to the track and started winning on horses that had a hat in their names.

"So where's the money?" she asks.

"I lost it all in the ninth race. I bet on a horse named Chateau and it lost."

"You fool, Chateau is a house, Chapeau is a hat!"

"It doesn't matter," he said, "the winner was some Japanese horse named Yarmulka."

Humorous Science Mis-statements

The following are examples of the ways students and adults misconceive of science.

ENERGY

One horsepower is the amount of energy it takes to drag a horse 500 feet in one second.

Water freezes at 32 degrees and boils at 212 degrees. There are 180 degrees between freezing and boiling because there are 180 degrees between north and south.

Many dead animals in the past changed to fossils while others preferred to be oil.

Vacuums are nothings. We only mention them to let them know we know they're there.

Momentum: What you give a person when they are going away.

GRAVITATION and ASTRONOMY

The law of gravity says no fair jumping up without coming back down.

Vacuum: A large, empty space where the pope lives.

When people run around and around in circles we say they are crazy. When planets do it we say they are orbiting.

While the earth seems to be knowingly keeping its distance from the sun, it is really only centrificating.

South America has cold summers and hot winters, but somehow they still manage.

Most books now say our sun is a star. But it still knows how to change back into a sun in the daytime.

There is a tremendous weight pushing down on the center of the Earth because of so much population stomping around up there these days.

Some people can tell what time it is by looking at the sun. But I have never been able to make out the numbers.

The tides are a fight between the Earth and moon. All water tends towards the moon, because there is no water in the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

Planet: A body of Earth surrounded by sky.

ELECTROMAGNETISM

Magnet: Something you find crawling all over a dead cat.

Someday we may discover how to make magnets that can point in any direction.

You can listen to thunder after lightning and tell how close you came to getting hit. If you don't hear it, you got hit, so never mind.

Rainbows are just to look at, not to really understand.

Talc is found on rocks and on babies.

ATOMS

When they broke open molecules, they found they were only stuffed with atoms. But when they broke open atoms, they found them stuffed with explosions.

Some oxygen molecules help fires burn while others help make water, so sometimes it's brother against brother.

In looking at a drop of water under a microscope, we find there are twice as many H's as O's.

Clouds are high flying fogs.

I am not sure how clouds get formed. But the clouds know how to do it, and that is the important thing.

Clouds just keep circling the earth around and around and around. There is not much else to do.

Water vapor gets together in a cloud. When it is big enough to be called a drop, it does.

H2O is hot water, and CO2 is cold water.

To collect fumes of sulphur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube.

When you smell an oderless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide.

Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water.

BIOLOGY

Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillars.

Blood flows down one leg and up the other.

Respiration is composed of two acts, first inspiration, and then expectoration.

Artifical insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow instead of the bull.

Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire.

A super saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold.

Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.

The pistol of a flower is its only protections agenst insects.

The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the outsides have ben taken off. The purpose of the skeleton is something to hitch meat to.

A permanent set of teeth consists of eight canines, eight cuspids, two molars, and eight cuspidors.

A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is.

Germinate: To become a naturalized German.

Liter: A nest of young puppies.

Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot.

The following are questions that people actually asked Park Rangers:

Grand Canyon National Park
Was this man-made?
Do you light it up at night?
I bought tickets for the elevator to the bottom--where is it?
Is the mule train air conditioned?
So where are the faces of the presidents?

Mesa Verde National Park
Did people build this, or did Indians?
Why did they build the ruins so close to the road?
Do you know of any undiscovered ruins?
Why did the Indians decide to live in Colorado?

Carlsbad Caverns National Park
How much of the cave is underground?
So what's in the unexplored part of the cave?
Does it ever rain in here?
How many Ping-Pong balls would it take to fill this up?
So what is this -- just a hole in the ground?

The Right Time

God has a way of allowing us to be in the right place at the right time. I was walking down a dimly lit street late one evening when I heard muffled screams coming from behind a clump of bushes. Alarmed, I slowed down to listen, and panicked when I realized that what I was hearing were the unmistakable sounds of a struggle: heavy grunting, frantic scuffling, and tearing of fabric. Only yards from where I stood, a woman was being attacked. Should I get involved? I was frightened for my own safety, and cursed myself for having suddenly decided to take a new route home that night.

What if I became another statistic? Shouldn't I just run to the nearest phone and call the police? Although it seemed an eternity, the deliberations in my head had taken only seconds, but already the girl's cries were growing weaker. I knew I had to act fast. How could I walk away from this? No, I finally resolved, I could not turn my back on the fate of this unknown woman, even if it meant risking my own life.

I am not a brave man, nor am I athletic. I don't know where I found the moral courage and physical strength--- but once I had finally resolved to help the girl, I became strangely transformed. I ran behind the bushes and pulled the assailant off the woman. Grappling, we fell to the ground, where we wrestled for a few minutes until the attacker jumped up and escaped.

Panting hard, I scrambled upright and approached the girl, who was crouched behind a tree, sobbing. In the darkness, I could barely see her outline, but I could certainly sense her trembling shock. Not wanting to frighten her further, I at first spoke to her from a distance.

"It's OK," I said soothingly. "The man ran away. You're safe now." There was a long pause and then I heard the words, uttered in wonder, in amazement. "Dad, is that you?" And then, from behind the tree, stepped my youngest daughter, Katherine.

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking, so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are born to manifest the Glory of God that is within us. It is not just in some of us; it is in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.

--Nelson Mandela,
Inauguration Speech 1994
(While an interesting story, Mr. Mandela spots seem to have changed recently.)

Seasoned Greetings?

Please accept with no obligation,
implied or implicit our best wishes for
an environmentally conscious,
socially responsible, low stress,
non-addictive, gender neutral
celebration of the winter solstice
holiday, practiced within the most
enjoyable traditions of the religious
persuasion of your choice, or secular
practices of your choice, with respect
for the religious/secular persuasions
and/or traditions of others, or their
choice not to practice religious or
secular traditions at all . . .

and a fiscally successful,
personally fulfilling, and medically
uncomplicated recognition of the onset
of the generally accepted calendar
year 2004, but not without due respect
for the calendars of choice of other
cultures whose contributions to
society have helped make America great
(not to imply that America is necessarily
greater than any other country or is
the only "AMERICA" in the western
hemisphere), and without regard to the
race, creed, color, age, physical ability,
religious faith, choice of computer platform,
or sexual preference of the wishee.

(By accepting this greeting,
you are accepting these terms.
This greeting is subject to
clarification or withdrawal. It is freely
transferable with no alteration to the
original greeting. It implies no
promise by the wisher to actually
implement any of the wishes for
her/himself or others, and is
void where prohibited by law, and is
revocable at the sole discretion of
the wisher. This wish is warranted
to perform as expected within the
usual application of good tidings
for a period of one year, or until the
issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting,
whichever comes first, and warranty is
limited to replacement of this wish
or issuance of a new wish at the
sole discretion of the wisher.)

Things I Have Learned From Kids or Lessons in Life

Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke -- lots of it.

A six year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a forty year old man says they can only do it in the movies.

If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.

A 4 year olds' voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.

If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing a superman cape. It is strong enough, however, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 by 20 foot room.

Baseballs make marks on ceilings.

When using the ceiling fan as a bat you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit.

A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.

The glass in windows (even double pane) does not stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.

A magnifying glass can start a fire even on an overcast day.

If you use a waterbed as home plate while wearing baseball shoes, it does not leak -- it explodes.

A king-size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 square foot house 4 inches deep.

PlayDough and microwave should never be used in the same sentence.

Super glue is forever.

McGuyver can teach us many things we don't want to know.

No matter HOW much Jell-O you put in a pool, you still can't walk on water.

Pool filters do not like Jell-O.

VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.

Garbage bags do not make good parachutes. Neither do embroidered bedsheets.

Marbles in gas tanks make a lot of noise when driving.

Always look in the oven before you turn it on.

Plastic toys do not like ovens.

Always look in the dryer before using it. A 4 year old can break an arm in a rotating dryer.

The fire department in Detroit has at least a 5 minute response time.

The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy. It will, however, make cats dizzy.

Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

Quiet does not necessarily mean there's nothing to worry about.

A good sense of humor will get you through most problems in life. Unfortunately, mostly in retrospect

Religious Humor

Over the massive front doors of a church, these words were inscribed:The Gate of Heaven". Below that was a small cardboard sign which read: "Please use other entrance."

Rev. Warren J. Keating, Pastor of the First Presbyterian Church of Yuma, AZ, says that the best prayer he ever heard was: "Lord, please make me the kind of person my dog thinks I am."

A woman went to the Post Office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards. "What denomination?" asked the clerk. "Oh, good heavens! Have we come to this?" said the woman. "Well, give me 50 Baptist and 50 Catholic ones."

On a very cold, snowy Sunday in February, only the pastor and one farmer arrived at the village church. The pastor said, "Well, I guess we won't have a service today." The farmer replied: "Heck, if even only one cow shows up at feeding time, I feed it."

During a children's sermon, Rev. Larry Eisenberg asked the children what "Amen" means. A little boy raised his hand and said: "It means - 'Tha-tha-tha-that's all folks!' "

A student was asked to list the 10 Commandments in any order. His answer? "3, 6, 1, 8, 4, 5, 9, 2, 10, 7".

I was at the beach with my children when my four-year-old son ran up to me, grabbed my hand, and led me to the shore, where a sea gull lay dead
in the sand. "Mommy, what happened to him?" the little boy asked. "He
died and went to Heaven," I replied. My son thought a moment and then said, "And God threw him back down?"

Bill Keane, creator of the Family Circus cartoon strip tells of a time when he was penciling one of his cartoons and his son Jeffy said, "Daddy, how do you know what to draw?" I said, "God tells me." Jeffy said, "Then why do you keep erasing parts of it?"

After the church service, a little boy told the pastor: "When I grow up, I'm going to give you some money." "Well, thank you," the pastor replied, "but why?" Because my daddy says you're one of the poorest preachers we've ever had."

My wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to our six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?" I wouldn't know what to say," she replied. "Just say what you hear Mommy say," my wife said. Our daughter bowed her head and said: "Dear Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"

Finally, the truth about opera ... ARIA HAVING FUN YET?
By Tony Kornheiser, The Washington Post, Sunday, January 19, 1997

I have never been to the opera, but like any reasonably educated and sophisticated person, I have a basic layman's understanding of this ancient, subtle, dignified art form. All the men look like Dom DeLuise. All the women look like Hagar the Horrible's wife, Helga. Everyone wears goat antlers and sings loud enough in Italian to awaken Nelson Rockefeller-and then after the show they meet at a buffet and eat fried food until they explode. And all the stars are temperamental: They storm in in a huff. They storm out in a huff. They refuse to perform if their dressing room doilies are the wrong color. Sometimes they just stride right into the audience and knee people in the groin.

So you see, I was hardly a "rube" when I attended my first recital by an opera singer the other day. The singer was Denyce Graves. The Post has already reviewed this performance, but I am sure the discerning reader has been awaiting my personal judgment on Ms. Graves's oeuvre, and here it is.

Ahem. This is one major babe.

That concludes the artistic criticism portion of this here column.

So here is what happened. Denyce comes out onto the Kennedy Center stage accompanied by her pianist, and she sings a short selection from a Spanish opera. It takes two minutes. People clap. And she sings another two-minute election. And people clap. A third. People clap.

Then she and the pianist walk off the stage.

And I'm thinking: That's it? I mean, I'm not sure the automatic dimmer on my headlights has gone off yet.

So I turn to the woman next to me, who I as and she's got a bosom you could set a tray of drinks on, and I say, "Is that it? Are we out of here? Because I've got time to drive to USAir Arena and catch the last half of the Bullets game."

The woman looked at me as though I were a spittoon, and explained that in recitals the singer takes small breaks.

Sure enough, in two minutes, she came back out, and sang some more.

Of course that left me wondering what she did backstage. What can you do in one minute? A drink of water you could take right onstage. Even the president of the United States does that. Perhaps she was allowing herself a few
moments to practice the accordion.

Anyway, in two minutes she was back, repeated the same routine with a French opera, and later a German opera. What I found strange was that at no time did she yap with the audience. No schmoozing. She simply sang.

Not that I thought a star of Denyce Graves's stature would stand there between songs and say, "So these two Chinese guys are sitting at a Starbucks in Buenos Aires..." But I thought she might say something to the 2,500 people in the room.

So again, I turned to the woman next to me, and I inquired if Ms. Graves was going to do any yappadoodle.

"Yappadoodle?" she said.

"You know, say 'hi,' tell us about the trip in on 495..." The woman began scrutinizing her ticket, hoping, I suppose, that she had gotten her seat assignment wrong.

Apparently, yappadoodle is not done.

So I settled in. And as you know Denyce Graves's voice is spectacular. It's so clear and clean you feel you can see through it. And I lost myself in it, even when she was singing in German, which is not the language of love-because every other syllable sounds like you're hawking a loogie. The program lists all the lyrics, so I can report them verbatim. Try pouring the wine, dimming the lights, and crooning out this to your sweetie: "Meine liebe hat Schwingen der Nachtigall. Und wiegt sich in bluhendem Flieder. Und jauchzet und singet vom Duft berauscht."

Personally, I think they make a mistake providing translations of the foreign lyrics. Here's a lovely-sounding phrase in Spanish: "Tu cintura vibra fina con la nobleza de un latigo." Here is what it means: "Your waist oscillates like the damask of a mast."

My point is, there should be some mystery with these opera lyrics. Opera lyrics should be intimidating. For example, I am nervous about calling them 'lyrics.' I'll probably get all sorts of letters from snobby readers who will say, you moron, words in an opera aren't lyrics, they're schweissengluepfauchenperpfuelen.

Anyway, it really bummed me out-to use a technical opera phrase-to learn that the lyrical thrust of most operas goes like this: "You've left me. I am worthless. I intend to gouge out my eyes with one of those fire pokers, then fall off a cliff, and die in the weeds like a wildebeest. You've got to change your evil ways, bay-bee."

In all, I really enjoyed myself, even if there was no yapping. I happily joined the others in giving Denyce Graves a standing ovation, and I restrained myself from holding up a butane lighter and screaming, "Hey, hot lips, do 'Louie, Louie.'"

I eagerly picked up the concert review in the next day's paper-and read that I was a complete Philistine for clapping between songs in a set. Apparently, you're not supposed to do that either at a recital. How are you supposed to indicate your appreciation for the performance, clear your throat? Blink your yes rapidly? Hold one finger in the air, like you're signaling the waiter or he check?

If the singer is not supposed to acknowledge the audience, and the audience is not supposed to acknowledge the singer-why go? Why not just buy the CD?

Happiness

We convince ourselves that life will be better after
we get married, have a baby, then another.

Then we are frustrated that the kids aren't old
enough and we'll be more content when they are.
After that, we're frustrated that we have teenagers
to deal with. We will certainly be happy when they
are out of that stage.

We tell ourselves that our life will be complete when
our spouse gets his or her act together, when we get
a nicer car, are able to go on a nice vacation, when
we retire.

The truth is, there's no better time to be happy than
right now. If not now, when?

Your life will always be filled with challenges.
It's best to admit this to yourself and decide to be
happy anyway. One of my favorite quotes comes
from Alfred D. Souza. He said, "For a long time it
had seemed to me that life was about to begin -- real
life. But there was always some obstacle in the way,
something to be gotten through first, some unfinished
business, time still to be served, or a debt to be paid.
Then life would begin. At last it dawned on me that
these obstacles were my life."

This perspective has helped me to see that there is
no way to happiness. Happiness is the way. So,
treasure every moment that you have and treasure it
more because you shared it with someone special,
special enough to spend your time . . . and remember
that time waits for no one.

So, stop waiting until you finish school, until you go
back to school, until you lose ten pounds, until you
gain ten pounds, until you have kids, until your kids
leave the house, until you start work, until you retire,
until you get married, until you get divorced, until
Friday night, until Sunday morning, until you get a
new car or home, until your car or home is paid off,
until spring, until summer, until fall, until winter, until
you are off welfare, until the first or fifteenth, until
your song comes on, until you've had a drink, until
you've sobered up, until you die, until you are born
again to decide that there is no better time than right
now to be happy.

Happiness is a journey, not a destination.

Thought for the day:
Work like you don't need money,
Love like you've never been hurt,
And dance like no one's watching.

The Month After Christmas

Twas the month after Christmas, and all through the house
Nothing would fit me, not even a blouse.
The cookies I'd nibbled, the eggnog I'd taste
At the holiday parties had gone to my waist.
When I got on the scales there arose such a number!
When I walked to the store (less a walk than a lumber).
I'd remember the marvelous meals I'd prepared;
The gravies and sauces and beef nicely rared,
The wine and the rum balls, the bread and the cheese
And the way I'd never said, "No thank you, please."
As I dressed myself in my husband's old shirt
And prepared once again to do battle with dirt---
I said to myself, as I only can "You can't spend a winter
disguised as a man!"

So--away with the last of the sour cream dip,
Get rid of the fruit cake, every cracker and chip
Every last bit of food that I like must be banished
"Till all the additional ounces have vanished.
I won't have a cookie--not even a lick.
I'll want only to chew on a long celery stick.
I won't have hot biscuits, or corn bread, or pie,
I'll munch on a carrot and quietly cry.
I'm hungry, I'm lonesome, and life is a bore---
But isn't that what January is for?
Unable to giggle, no longer a riot.
Happy New Year to all and to all a good diet!

Christmas Riddles

Is your favorite Christmas Carol on this list?

1. Move hitherward the entire assembly of those who are loyal in their beliefs.

2. Listen! The harmonious messengers produce sounds.

3. An emotion excited by the acquisition of good given to the terrestrial sphere.

4. Embellish the interior passage ways.

5. Nocturnal time span of unbroken quietude.

6. Our auditory faculties are attuned to heavenly beings.

7. The Christmas preceding all others.

8. Obese personificator fabricated of compressed mounds of minute crystals.

9. Geographic state of fantasy during the season of mother nature's dormancy.

10. Tintinnabulation of metallic resonant orbs.

11. In a distant location, within an improvised unit of newborn children's slumber furniture.

12. Jovial yuletide desired, for the second person singular or plural, by us.

13. The first nominative plural of a triumvirate of far eastern heads of state.

14. Small municipality in Judea southeast of Jerusalem.

15. Proceed forth declaring upon an alpine formation.

Merger Mania

The last 20 years have seen many mergers, and getting in on the ground floor could mean excellent gains. These look like some likely mergers.......

Xerox and Wurlitzer: They're going to make reproductive organs.

Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers: New company will be called Fairwell Honeychild

Polygram Records, Warner Brothers and Keebler: New company will be called Poly-Warner-Cracker

W.R. Grace Co., Fuller Brush Co., Mary Kay Cosmetics and Hale Business Systems: New company will be called Hale Mary Fuller Grace

3M & Goodyear: mmm Good

John Deere & Abitibi-Price: Deere Abi

Honeywell, Imasco, and Home Oil: Honey, I'm Home

Denison Mines, Alliance, and Metal Mining: Mine, All Mine

3M, J.C. Penney, Canadian Opera Company: 3 Penney Opera

Grey Poupon & Dockers Pants: Poupon Pants

Knott's Berry Farm & National Organization of Women: Knott NOW!

Zippo Manufacturing, Audi, Dofasco, Dakota Mining: Zip Audi Do-Da

Hanukkah at the Deli

During the first day of Hanukkah, two elderly Jewish men were sitting in a wonderful deli frequented almost exclusively by Jews in New York City. They were talking amongst themselves in Yiddish - the colorful language of Jews who came over from Eastern Europe.

A Chinese waiter, only one year in New York, came up and in fluent impeccable Yiddish asked them if everything was okay and if they were enjoying the holiday.

The Jewish men were dumbfounded. Where did this man ever learn such perfect Yiddish they both thought. After they paid the bill they asked the restaurant manager, an old friend of theirs, "Where did our waiter learn such fabulous Yiddish??"

The manager looked around and leaned in so no one else will hear and said... "Shhhh. He thinks we're teaching him English."

Duh...

Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?

If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts," and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with.

When cheese gets it's picture taken, what does it say?

Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?

Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?

Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

If horrific means to make horrible, does terrific mean to make terrible?

Why isn't 11 pronounced onety one?

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked and drycleaners depressed?

If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?

If people from Poland are called "Poles," why aren't people from Holland called "Holes?"

QUOTES

I worry that the person who thought up Muzak may be thinking up something else.
* Lily Tomlin

Why is it that when we talk to God we're said to be praying, but when God talks to us we're schizophrenic?
* Lily Tomlin

Have you ever noticed.... Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
* George Carlin

I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.
* Carol Leifer

The reason most people play golf is to wear clothes they would not be aught dead in otherwise.
* Roger Simon

I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
* Dave Edison

Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.
* Oscar Wilde

I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.
* A. Whitney Brown

If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there is a man on base.
* Dave Barry

My mom said she learned how to swim. Someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. That's how she learned how to swim. I said, "Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim."
* Paula Poundstone

Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: 'This looks much better on.' On what? On fire?
* Rita Rudner

Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my fishburger and I realize, OMG....I could be eating a slow learner.
* Lynda Montgomery

Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God's final word on where your lips end.
* Jerry Seinfeld

I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go west.'
* Richard Jeni

Up

There is a two-letter word that perhaps has more meaning than any other two-letter word, and that is "UP." It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list,
But when we waken in the morning, why do we wake UP?
At a meeting, why does a topic come UP?
Why do we speak UP
Why are the officers UP for election
Why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report?
We call UP our friends,
We use it to brighten UP a room,
Polish UP the silver,
We warm UP the leftovers and
Clean UP the kitchen.
We lock UP the house and
Some guys fix UP the old car.

At other times the little word has real special meaning.
People stir UP trouble,
Line UP for tickets,
Work UP an appetite,
Think UP excuses.
To be dressed is one thing but to be dressed UP is special.
And this is confusing:
A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP.
We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night.
We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP.
To be knowledgeable of the proper uses of UP, look UP the word in the dictionary.
In a desk size dictionary, UP takes UP almost
1/4th the page and definitions add UP to about thirty.
If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used.
It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP, you may wind
UP with a hundred or more.
When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP.
When the sun comes out we say it is clearing UP.
When it rains, it wets UP the earth.
When it doesn't rain for awhile, things dry UP.
One could go on and on,
but I'll wrap it UP, for now my time is UP, so I'll shut UP...

Five Tickets

A couple with three children waited in line at San Francisco's Pier 41 to purchase tickets for a boat trip to Alcatraz. Others watched with varying degrees of sympathy and irritation as the young children fidgeted, whined, and punched one another. The frazzled parents reprimanded them to no avail. Finally they reached the ticket window. "Five tickets, please," the father said. "Two round trip, three one way."

Procrastinator's Calender

NEG--FRI--FRI--FRI--THU--WED--TUE
8------7-----6-----5-----4-----3-----2
16----15---14----12----11---10----9
23----22---21----20----19---18---17
32----30---28----27----26---25---24
39----38---37----36----35---34---33

1. This is a special calendar for handling rush jobs. All rush jobs are needed yesterday. With this calendar, a job or project can be ordered on the 7th and delivered on the 3rd.

2. Many companies set Friday deadlines, so there are three Fridays in every week. This is also beneficial for those persons who are paid on Fridays.

3. There are eight new days added to each month, to allow for month-end panic jobs.

4. There is no 1st of the month, thus avoiding late delivery of the previous month's last-minute panic jobs.

5. Monday morning hangovers are abolished, along with non-productive Saturdays and Sundays.

6. A new day -- Negotiation Day -- has been introduced keeping the other days free for uninterrupted panic.

Contributed by: Laura Schooler Baxter

10 Reasons Santa must be a Computer System Administrator

1. Santa is bearded, corpulent, and dresses funny.

2. When you ask Santa for something, the odds of receiving what you wanted are infinitesimal.

3. Santa seldom answers your mail.

4. When you ask Santa where he gets all the stuff he's got, he says, "Elves make it for me."

5. Santa doesn't care about your deadlines.

6. Your parents ascribed supernatural powers to Santa, but did all the work themselves.

7. Nobody knows who Santa has to answer to for his actions.

8. Santa laughs entirely too much.

9. Santa thinks nothing of breaking into your HOME.

10. Only a lunatic says bad things about Santa in his presence.

HOW TO SPEND A TWO-DOG NIGHT

I will address myself mostly to the rules for sleeping with two dogs. For the few who have already mastered this technique, I will later add a cat, although I urge beginners to leave the cat out.

To achieve any sort of success, certain arbitrary conditions must be assumed, the first one being that you must have a king-sized bed.

There is no point in lying down on anything smaller. While the size of the breed of dog is not important (people who sleep with dogs know that before the night is over everybody collects into a pile), the condition of the dogs may be. Very thin dogs, for example, are lumpier. I have selected the two-dog minimum because, as we shall see, it is the only way to stay in bed at all. The key word here is LEVERAGE. All dogs spend the night pressed tightly against their human bedfellows, but no two dogs ever sleep on the same side. This is, in part, an expression of the "Let Sleeping Dogs Lie Principle". It is also to create leverage. Because the human being is always in the middle, held tightly in place by the dogs and by his blanket (which the dogs are sleeping on top of), restlessness and recurring cramps are difficult to handle.

Here is the tip: When you first lie down, AND BEFORE THE DOGS SETTLE AGAINST EACH SIDE OF YOU, spread your legs three inches apart. Stiffen and hold out NO MATTER HOW GREAT THE PRESSURE! When the time comes to turn over, bring the legs together quickly under the now slightly slackened blanket and revolve BEFORE THE DOGS WAKE UP.

As soon as you have assumed a new position, allow for those crucial three inches again; otherwise, you're a mummy for the rest of the night.

NEVER SPREAD THE LEGS MORE THAN THREE INCHES' A dog's favorite place to sleep is in the hollow created by legs too widely spread, and once settled, he and you are frozen into position until morning. (There is a way out of this trap, but it is difficult to describe without slides). Dogs who prefer to sleep on their backs MUST BE GIVEN SPACE THREE TIMES THE HEIGHT OF THE DOG AT THE SHOULDER. Dogs who like pillows may be accommodated if you sleep on your side with the legs scissored so that each dog has an ankle for a chin rest.

Above all, BEWARE OF CURLING! When the curl is reversed, both dogs are dislocated, resulting in low growls on both sides of you. When you are ready to add a cat, position is all important. All cats prefer to sleep in hollows, but NO CAT WILL SLEEP ON THE SAME SIDE AS A DOG. (Remember, you have only two sides). YOU MUST THEREFORE BECOME A TRIANGLE! Do this by assuming a horizontal diver's crouch, thereby creating not only three more-or-less exclusive sides but two hollows as well. With one dog at your front, and the other against your back, the cat can curl into the hollow at the back of your bent knees, separated from both dogs. All will then sleep soundly.

This entire technique still needs a lot of refinement. A method that deals with early morning scratching needs to be developed, and the problem of pretending to sleep while being closely scrutinized by various animals needs to be solved.

Keys To Success

1. Never walk down the hall without a document in your hands. People with documents in their hands look like hardworking employees heading for important meetings. People with nothing in their hands look like they're heading for the cafeteria. People with the newspaper in their hands look like they're heading for the bathroom. Above all, make sure you carry loads of stuff home with you at night, thus generating the false impression that you work longer hours than you do.

2. Use computers to look busy. Any time you use a computer, it looks like work to the casual observer. You can send and receive personal e-mail, calculate your finances and generally have a blast without doing anything remotely related to work. These aren't exactly the societal benefits that everybody from the computer revolution expected but they're not bad either. When you get caught by your boss--and you will get caught--your best defense is to claim you're teaching yourself to use the new software, thus saving valuable training dollars. You're not a loafer, you're a self-starter. Offer to show your boss what you learned. That will make your boss scurry away like a frightened salamander.

3. Messy desk. Top management can get away with a clean desk. For the rest of us, it looks like you're not working hard enough. Build huge piles of documents around your workspace. To the observer, last year's work looks the same as today's work; it's volume that counts. Pile them high and wide. If you know somebody is coming to your cubicle, bury the document you'll need halfway down in an existing stack and rummage for it when he/she arrives.

4. Voice mail. Never answer your phone if you have voice mail. People don't call you just because they want to give you something for nothing--they call because they want YOU to do work for THEM. That's no way to live. Screen all your calls through voice mail. If somebody leaves a voice mail message for you and it sounds like impending work, respond during lunch hour. That way, you're hardworking and conscientious even though you're being a devious weasel. If you diligently employ the method of screening incoming calls and then returning calls when nobody is there, this will greatly increase the odds that they will give up or look for a solution that doesn't involve you. The sweetest voice mail message you can ever hear is "Ignore my last message. I took care of it." If your voice mailbox has a limit on the number of messages
it can hold, make sure you reach that limit frequently. One way to do that is to never erase any incoming messages. If that takes too long, send yourself a few messages. Your callers will hear a recorded message that says, Sorry,
this mailbox is full"--a sure sign that you are a hardworking employee in high demand.

A Microsoft Christmas
Originally posted in 1998

'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house
Not a creature was stirring, except Papa's mouse.
The computer was humming, the icons were hopping,
As Papa did last minute Internet shopping.

The stockings were hung by the modem with care
In hope that St. Nicholas would bring new software.
The children were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of computer games danced in their heads.

PageMaker for Billy, and Quicken for Dan,
And Carmen Sandiego for Pamela Ann.
The letters to Santa had been sent out by Mom,
To santaclaus@toyshop.northpole.com -

Which has now been re-routed to Washington State
Because Santa's workshop has been bought by Bill Gates.
All the elves and reindeer have had to skedaddle
To flashy new quarters in suburban Seattle.

After centuries of a life that was simple and spare,
St. Nicholas is suddenly a new billionaire,
With a shiny red Porsche in the place of his sleigh,
And a house on Lake Washington that's just down the way

>From where Bill has his mansion. The old fellow preens
In black Gucci boots and red Calvin Klein jeans.
The elves have stock options and desks with a view,
Where they write computer code for Johnny and Sue.

No more dolls or toy soldiers or little toy drums (ahem - pardon me)
No more dolls or tin soldiers or little toy drums
Will be under the tree, only compact disk ROMS
With the Microsoft label. So spin up your drive,
>From now on Christmas runs only on Win95.

More rapid than eagles the competitors came,
And Bill whistled, and shouted, and called them by name.
"Now, ADOBE! Now, CLARIS! Now, INTUIT! too,
Now, APPLE! and NETSCAPE! you are all of you through,

It is Microsoft's SANTA that the kids can't resist,
It's the ultimate software with a traditional twist -
Recommended by no less than the jolly old elf,
And on the package, a picture of Santa himself.

Get 'em young, keep 'em long, is Microsoft's scheme,
And a merger with Santa is a marketer's dream.
To the top of the NASDAQ! to the top of the Dow!
Now dash away! dash away! dash away - wow!"

And Mama in her 'kerchief and I in my cap,
Had just settled down for a long winter's nap,
When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
The whir and the hum of our satellite platter,

As it turned toward that new Christmas star in the sky,
The SANTALITE owned by the Microsoft guy.
As I sprang from my bed and was turning around,
My computer turned on with a Jingle-Bells sound.

And there on the screen was a smiling Bill Gates
Next to jolly old Santa, two arm-in-arm mates.
And I heard them exclaim in voice so bright,
Have a Microsoft Christmas, and to all a good night.

The best of all Urban Legends, combined just for YOU!!!

I know this guy whose neighbor, a young man, was home recovering from having been served a rat in his bucket of Kentucky Fried Chicken. So anyway, one day he went to sleep and when he awoke he was in his bathtub and it was
full of ice and he was sore all over. When he got out of the tub he realized that HIS KIDNEY HAD BEEN STOLEN and and he saw a note on his mirror that said "Call 911!" But he was afraid to use his phone because it was connected to his computer, and there was a virus on his computer that would destroy his hard drive if he opened an e-mail entitled "Join the crew!" He knew it wasn't a hoax because he himself was a computer programmer who was working on software to save us from Armageddon when the year 2000 rolls around. His program will prevent a global disaster in which all the computers get together and distribute the $600 Neiman Marcus cookie recipe under the leadership of Bill Gates. (It's true -- I read it all last week in a mass e-mail from BILL GATES HIMSELF, who was also promising me a free Disneyworld vacation and $5,000 if I would forward the e-mail to everyone I know.) The poor man then tried to call 911 from a pay phone to report his missing kidneys, but reaching into the coin return slot he got jabbed with an HIV-infected needle around which was wrapped a note that said, "Welcome to the world of AIDS." Luckily he was only a few blocks from the hospital -- the one, actually, where that little boy who is dying of cancer is, the one whose last wish is for everyone in the world to send him an e-mail and the American Cancer Society has agreed to pay him a nickel for every e-mail he receives. I sent him two e-mails and one of them was a bunch of x's and o's in the shape of an angel (if you get it and forward it to twenty people you will have good luck but ten people you will only have ok luck and if you send it to less than ten people you will have BAD LUCK FOR SEVEN YEARS). So anyway the poor guy tried to drive himself to the hospital, but on the way he noticed another car driving along without his lights on. To be helpful, he flashed his lights at him and was promptly shot as part of a gang initiation. And it's a little known fact that the Y1K problem caused the Dark Ages.

Tech Museum of Innovation - Missing Exhibits
(Originally posted 4/99)

As most of you know, the new Tech Museum (www.thetech.org) just
opened in San Jose and it's a pretty cool place, but if they
REALLY wanted to capture life in Silicon Valley, they should have
included some of the following:

1. The Unreasonable Expectation Work Week Simulator: Ever wonder
what it's like to work 80 hours a week? You can now experience
blurry vision, diminished reaction time, the health effects of
eating nothing but Doritos, and the heart-racing excitement of
Jolt Cola addiction with the Unreasonable Expectation Work Week
Simulator! Hey, who are those strangers claiming to be your
family? They're just part of the mysteries you'll experience at
the Tech Museum!

2. The "Find Help At Fry's" Cyber-Challenge: Don your Virtual
Reality goggles and take a tour in the Valley's favorite
electronics chain! Your challenge: find someone who can help you.
It's not as easy as it sounds, though. If you do find someone,
you still have to somehow get them to make eye contact! And once
you get help, the challenge isn't over! You still have to avoid
the "Let me get my manager" monster, endure the perpetual
"Humans as Cattle" cash register corral, and make it past the
paranoid door Nazi without getting a body cavity search! Youch!

3. The Valley Fair Mall Parking Space Scavenger Hunt: Your
mission: get in our car simulator and find parking at the
Valley's most congested mall! Extra points for finding a space
within a one-mile radius of the mall itself. Next year we hope
to make this scavenger hunt even more challenging when we violate
the laws of conservation of mass with the addition of the Town
and Country Monument to Bad City Management!

4. "Sell or Die"!: Kids will learn valuable lessons playing this
interactive game designing and marketing superior, technically
advanced products that fill a niche and meet a need. But wait!
The fun is just starting! It's time to play "Sell or Die"! Kids
get to choose whether they will let themselves be bought out by
the "innovative" Microsoft, or whether they will resist the
urge and have their product undersold by Microsoft's inferior
competing products! The fun is in seeing how long you can last
in the face of unfair marketing practices. The last player to go
bankrupt paying their legal bills wins! Extra points for kids
who survive long enough to testify in front of the Justice
Department!

5. Mr. Jobs' Wild Ride: Get in your Apple Stock Rocket and
experience the wildest roller coaster ride of your life! Just
when you think the Rocket is about to hit a wall, swerve wildly
and unexpectedly to one side and avoid certain death (for now)!
And the best part is, your fate is completely in the hands of one
all-powerful and unpredictable hippie-turned-power-player-turned-
exile-turned-interim CEO for life! And look out! The Larry
Ellison Hot Wind Machine will try to blow you off course! You'll
lose your lunch on abrupt policy changes, and scream your lungs
out as you free-fall on the final Mac Clone Maker Betrayal Drop
of Death! Riders can then regain their composure looking at the:

6. San Jose Mercury News Wall of Premature Apple Obituaries: Get
up close and personal with Valley history by reading over 15
years of stories lamenting the imminent death of everyone's
favorite fruit company! With all that circling, don't buzzards
ever get dizzy?

7. The Silicon Valley Virtual Commute Race Course: You have two
hours to go 15 miles! Think you can do it? Well, buckle yourself
into our simulator and give it a try! The Tech Museum offers
several racecourses to choose from: Try the "880 Endurance
Course"! Hey! You finally made it past the Winchester Mystery
Puddle at The Alameda on-ramp, and you're finally up to 25 mph!
You'll make Brokaw Road in no time. But look out! 101 merges
into 880 AND the freeway goes down to two lanes AT THE SAME TIME!
Who designed this nutty course? Or try the "17 Face Off of Doom"!
You're behind one truck in the right lane going 21 mph. The
truck in the left lane is going 20.5 mph! Calculate how many
hours it will be before you can pass both trucks! Or try the 680
"Trail of Tears"! You've got to make it from Pleasanton to
Fremont with only one full tank of gas! Sound easy? Don't forget
the inept Caltrans contractors who block off lanes for no reason
at all!

Ads

They *claim* the following were actually taken from recent ads in newspapers:

1. AMANA WASHER $100. OWNED BY CLEAN BACHELOR WHO SELDOM WASHED.

2. SNOW BLOWER FOR SALE...ONLY USED ON SNOWY DAYS.

3. FREE PUPPIES...PART GERMAN SHEPHERD, PART DOG

4. 2 WIRE MESH BUTCHERING GLOVES, 1 5-finger, 1 3-finger, PAIR: $15

5. TICKLE ME ELMO, STILL IN BOX, COMES WITH ITS OWN 1988 MUSTANG, 5L, AUTO, EXCELLENT CONDITION $6800

6. '83 TOYOTA HUNCHBACK -- $2000

7. STAR WARS JOB OF THE HUT -- $15

8. FREE PUPPIES: 12 COCKER SPANIEL - 12 SNEAKY NEIGHBOR'S DOG

9. FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER. 8 YEARS OLD. UNPLEASANT LITTLE DOG.

10. SOFT & GENITAL BATH TISSUES OR FACIAL TISSUE - 89 cents

11. GERMAN SHEPHARD. 85 lbs. NEUTERED. SPEAKS GERMAN. FREE.

12. FREE 1 CAN OF PORK & BEANS WITH PURCHASE OF 3 BR 2 BTH HOME.

13. FOR SALE: LEE MAJORS (6 MILLION DOLLAR MAN) - $50

14. NORDIC TRACK $300 - HARDLY USED - CALL CHUBBIE

15. BILL'S SEPTIC CLEANING - "WE HAUL AMERICAN MADE PRODUCTS"

16. SHAKESPEARE'S PIZZA - FREE CHOPSTICKS

17. FOUND: DIRTY WHITE DOG...LOOKS LIKE A RAT...BEEN OUT AWHILE...BETTER BE REWARD.

18. HARRISBURG POSTAL EMPLOYEES GUN CLUB MEETING - Tuesday at 7pm.

19. GEORGIA PEACHES - CALIFORNIA GROWN - 89 cents lb.

20. NICE PARACHUTE - NEVER OPENED - USED ONCE - SLIGHTLY STAINED

21. FREE: FARM KITTENS. READY TO EAT.

22. AMERICAN FLAG - 60 STARS - POLE INCLUDED - $100

23. TIRED OF WORKING FOR ONLY $9.75 PER HOUR? WE OFFER PROFIT SHARING AND FLEXIBLE HOURS. STARTING PAY $7 - $9 PER HOUR.

24. NOTICE: TO PERSON OR PERSONS WHO TOOK THE LARGE PUMPKIN ON HIGHWAY 87 NEAR SOUTHRIDGE STORAGE. PLEASE RETURN THE PUMPKIN AND BE CHECKED. PUMPKIN MAY BE RADIOACTIVE. ALL OTHER PLANTS IN VINCINITY ARE DEAD.

25. EXERCISE EQUIPMENT: QUEEN SIZE MATTRESS & BOX SPRING -$175.

26. OUR SOFA SEATS THE WHOLE MOB - AND IT'S MADE OF 100% ITALIAN LEATHER.

27. LAWYER SAYS CLIENT IS NOT THAT GUILTY.

28. ALZHEIMER'S CENTER PREPARES FOR AN AFFAIR TO REMEMBER

29. GROUND BEAST: 99 cents lb.

30. GAS CLOUD CLEARS OUT TACO BELL.

31. OPEN HOUSE - BODY SHAPERS TONING SALON - FREE COFFEE & DONUTS

32. KELLOGG'S POT TARTS - $1.99 box

33. FULLY COOKED BONELESS SMOKED MAN - $2.09/lb.

Tom Swifties

1) "I can't believe I ate that whole pineapple!" Tom said, dolefully.

2) "That's the last time I'll ever pet a lion," Tom said, offhandedly.

3) "I'll never sleep on the railroad tracks again!" Tom said, beside himself.

4) "That's the third electric shock I've gotten this week!" Tom said, revolted.

5) "I'm never anywhere on time," Tom related.

6) "I won't let a flat tire get me down," Tom said, without despair.

7) "That car you sold me has defective steering!" Tom said, straightforwardly.

8) "I've been on a diet," Tom expounded.

9) "I'll have to send that telegram again," Tom said, remorsefully.

10) "I keep banging my head on things," Tom said, bashfully.

11) "Look at that jailbird climb down that wall," Tom observed with condescension.

12) "I remember the midwest being flatter than this," Tom explained.

13) "That's the third time my teacher changed my grade," Tom remarked.

14) "I'll have to dig another ditch around that castle," Tom sighed, remotely.

15) "I've lived through a lot of windstorms," Tom regaled.

17) "I haven't caught a fish all day!" Tom said, without debate.

18) "That mink coat is on wrong side out," Tom inferred.

Contributed by: David L.

History?

Contributed by Richard Lederer of St. Paul's School.

One of the fringe benefits of being an English or History teacher is receiving the occasional Jewel of a student blooper in an essay. I have pasted together the following "history" of the world from certifiably genuine student bloopers collected by teachers throughout the United States, from eighth grade through college level. Read carefully, and you will learn a lot.

The inhabitants of Egypt were called mummies. They lived in the Sarah Dessert and traveled by Camelot. The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere, so certain areas of the dessert are cultivated by irritation. The Egyptians built the Pyramids in the shape of a huge triangular cube. The Pyramids are a range of mountains between France and Spain.

Pharaoh forced the Hebrew slaves to make bread without straw. Moses led them to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Philatelists, a race of people who lived in Biblical times. Solomon, one of David's sons, had 500 wives and 500 porcupines.

Without the Greeks, we wouldn't have history. The Greeks invented three kinds of columns - Corinthian, Doric and Ironic. They also had myths. A myth is a female moth. One myth says that the mother of Achilles dipped him in the River Stynx until he became intolerable. Achilles appears in "The Illiad", by Homer. Homer also wrote the "Oddity", in which Penelope was the last hardship that Ulysses endured on his journey. Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but by another man of that name.

Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock. In the Olympic Games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the biscuits, and threw the java. The reward to the victor was a coral wreath. The government of Athens was democratic because the people took the law into their own hands. There were no wars in Greece, as the mountains were so high that they couldn't climb over to see what their
neighbors were doing. When they fought the Parisians, the Greeks were outnumbered because the Parisians had more men.

Eventually, the Ramons conquered the Geeks. History calls people Romans because they never stayed in one place for very long. At Roman banquets, the guests wore garlic in their hair. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March killed him because they thought he was going to be made king. Nero was a cruel tyrany who would torture his poor subjects by playing the fiddle to them.

In midevil times most of the people were alliterate. The greatest writer of the time was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and verse and also wrote literature. Another tale tells of William Tell, who shot an arrow through an apple while standing on his son's head.

The Renaissance was an age in which more individuals felt the value of their human being. Martin Luther was nailed to the church door at Wittenberg for selling papal indulgences. He died a horrible death, being excommunicated by a bull. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented the Bible. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes. Another important invention was the circulation of blood.

The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespear. Shakespear never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He lived in Windsor with his merry wives, writing tragedies, comedies and errors. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couplet. Writing at the same time as Shakespear was Miquel Cervantes. He wrote "Donkey Hote". The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote "Paradise Lost." Then his wife died and he wrote "Paradise Regained. "

During the Renaissance, America began. Christopher Columbus was a great navigator who discovered America while cursing about the Atlantic. His ships were called the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Fe. Later the Pilgrims crossed the Ocean, and this was called the Pilgrim's Progress. When they landed at Plymouth Rock, they were greeted by Indians, who came down the hill rolling their war hoops before them. The Indian squabs carried porposies on their backs. Many of the Indian heroes were killed, along with their cabooses, which proved very fatal to them. The winter ofr 1620 was a hard one for the settlers. Many people died and many babies were born. Captain John Smith was responsible for all this.

One of the causes of the Revolutionary Wars was the English put tacks in their tea. Also, the colonists would send their parcels through the post without stamps. During the War, Red Coats and Paul Revere were throwing balls over stone walls. The dogs were barking and the peacocks crowing. Finally, the colonists won the War and no longer had to pay for taxis.

Delegates from the original thirteen states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin had gone to Boston carrying all his clothes in his pocket and a loaf of bread under each arm. He invented electricity by rubbing cats backwards and declared "a horse divided against itself cannot stand." Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.

George Washington married Matha Curtis and in due time became the Father of Our Country. Them the Constitution of the United States was adopted to secure domestic hostility. Under the Constitution the people enjoyed the right to keep bare arms.

Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. When Lincoln was President, he wore only a tall silk hat. He said, "In onion there is strength." Abraham Lincoln write the Gettysburg address while traveling from Washington to Gettysburg on the back of an envelope.

Meanwhile in Europe, the enlightenment was a reasonable time. Voltare invented electricity and also wrote a book called "Candy". Gravity was invented by Issac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in the Autumn, when the apples are flaling off the trees.

Bach was the most famous composer in the world, and so was Handel. Handel was half German, half Italian and half English. He was very large. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.

France was in a very serious state. The French Revolution was accomplished before it happened. The Marseillaise was the theme song of the French Revolution, and it catapulted into Napoleon. During the Napoleonic Wars, the crowned heads of Europe were trembling in their shoes. Then the Spanish gorrilas came down from the hills and nipped at Napoleon's flanks.

The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire is in the East and the sun sets in the West. Queen Victoria was the longest queen. She sat on a thorn for 63 years. Her reclining years and finally the end of her life were exemplatory of a great personality. Her death was the final event which ended her reign.

The nineteenth century was a time of many great inventions and thoughts. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up. Samuel Morse invented a code for telepathy. Louis Pastuer discovered a cure for rabbis. Charles Darwin was a naturailst who wrote the "Organ of the Species". Madman Curie discovered radium. And Karl Marx became one of the Marx Brothers.

The First World War, cause by the assignation of the Arch-Duck by a surf, ushered in a new error in the annals of human history.

Tobaco Money (Dated, but still relevent)

Q: Could you please explain the recent historic tobacco settlement?

A: Sure! Basically, the tobacco industry has admitted that it is killing people by the millions, and has agreed that from now on it will do this under the strict supervision of the federal government.

Q: Will there be monetary damages assessed?

A: Yes. To compensate for the immense suffering caused by its products, the tobacco industry will pay huge sums of money to the group most directly affected.

Q: Lawyers?

A: Yes.

Q: Will the federal government also receive large quantities of money?

A: Of course.

Q: How will the tobacco industry obtain this money?

A: By selling more tobacco products.

Q: What if consumers stop buying tobacco products?

A: That would be very bad. That would mess up the economics of the whole thing. The government would probably have to set up an emergency task force to figure out ways to get people smoking again in order to finance the historic tobacco settlement.

Q: If the government really wants people to stop smoking, how come it doesn't just make cigarettes illegal?

A: Because people would smoke them anyway.

Q: Then how come the government makes crack cocaine illegal?

A: That is an unfair comparison. The tobacco industry is merely selling a deadly product; the crack cocaine industry is guilty of something far far worse.

Q: Failure to make large political donations??

A: Yes.

Q: Many people started smoking because they watched classic movies in which glamorous Hollywood stars were always inhaling and exhaling vast clouds of smoke and looking totally cool. What will be done to correct this under the historic tobacco settlement?

A: By mid 1999, all classic movies will be digitally reprocessed by special Food and Drug Administration computers so that - to cite one example - in Casablanca, when Humphrey Bogart makes his dramatic final speech to Ingrid Bergman, he will have the voice of Rocky the Flying Squirrel.

Q: Whose voice will the late John Wayne have?

A: The late Lucille Ball's.

Q: What will happen to all the tobacco institute scientists, who, despite decades of dedicated research, were never able to find a single shred of evidence proving that cigarettes cause cancer?

A: At the request of the White House, they will be reassigned to the Whitewater investigation.

Q: Speaking of administration scandals, if President Clinton actually winds up in court over this Paula Jones thing, what steps will be taken to prevent the trial from turning into a grotesque and demeaning pubic spectacle?

A: Mr. Clinton's face will be covered at all times by an electronically superimposed dark blob, underneath which will be an electronic label identifying him only as "A United States President."

Q: How will the historic tobacco settlement affect the aliens whose spaceship crashed near Roswell, N.M. in 1947?

A: Millions of dollars will be paid to their lawyers.

Q: I guess that covers it! Thanks! Smoke?

A: No, thank you. I have my own.

Process of Elimination

It was decided by Microsoft during a brainstorming session that military service would improve the skills and discipline of their finest technician. So off to boot camp he went.

At the rifle range, he was given some instruction, a rifle, and bullets. He fired several shots at the target. The report came from the target area that all attempts had completely missed the target.

The Microsoft tech looked at his rifle and then at the target again. "Hmmm.," he thought, "I'll get to the bottom of this in no time."

He looked at the rifle again, and then at the target again. He pointed his still loaded rifle at the ground in front of him and fired. A cloud of dust kicked up, and a little dimple was left there in the dust.

"Yep, it's working," he concluded.

The technician yelled out to the others at the target end, "The rifle is in working order, and the bullet seems to be leaving this end just fine. The trouble must be at your end!"

Contributed by: Hables

Ghandi Groaner

Mahatma Ghandi walked barefoot everywhere, to the point that his feet became quite thick and hard. He also was quite a spiritual person. When he was on a hunger strike, he became quite thin and frail.

Furthermore, due to his diet, he ended up with very bad breath.

Therefore: he came to be known as a: "Super calloused fragile mystic plagued with halitosis."

Irish Intellectual

An Irishman was descended from a long line of literature-loving ancestors who instilled in him a deep knowledge of the classics. One day he went for a job on a building site and the foreman said he must ask him a question or two to make sure he was qualified.

"Do you know the difference between a girder and a joist?" the foreman asked.

"Ah, to be sure, that's an easy one," the Irishman said. "Goethe wrote Faust and Joyce wrote Ulysses."

Some Food For Thought

Apropos the Jewish feast season:

LATKES
A pancake-like structure not to be confused with anything the House of Pancakes would put out. In a latka, the oil is in the pancake. It is made with potatoes, onions, and eggs. Latkas can be eaten with apple sauce but NEVER with maple syrup. There is a rumor that in the time of the Maccabees they lit a latka by mistake and it burned for eight days. What is certain is you will have heart burn for the same amount of time.

MATZO
The Egyptians' revenge for leaving slavery. It consists of a simple mix of flour and water -- no eggs or flavor at all. When made well, it could actually taste like cardboard. Its redeeming value is that it does fill you up and stays with you for a long time. However, it is recommended that you eat a few prunes soon after.

KASHA VARNISHKAS
One of the little-known delicacies which is even more difficult to pronounce than to cook. It has nothing to do with Varnish, but is basically a mixture of buckwheat and bow-tie macaroni (noodles). Why a bow-tie? Many sages discussed
this and agreed that some Jewish mother decided that "You can't come to the table without a tie" or, God forbid, "An elbow on my table?"

BLINTZES
Not to be confused with the German war machine. Can you imagine the N.J. Post 1939 headlines: "Germans drop tons of cheese and blueberry blintzes over Poland - shortage of sour cream expected." Basically this is the Jewish answer
to crepe Suzette.

KISHKA
You know from Haggis? Well, this ain't it . In the old days they would take an intestine and stuff it . Today we use parchment paper or plastic, and what do you stuff it with? Carrots, celery, onions, flour, and spices. But the trick is not to cook it alone but to add it to the cholent (see below) and let it cook for 24 hours until there is no chance whatsoever that there is any nutritional value left.

KREPLACH
It sounds worse than it tastes. There is a Rabbinical debate on its origins: One Rabbi claims it began when a fortune cookie fell into his chicken soup. The other claims it started in an Italian restaurant. Either way it can be soft, hard, or soggy and the amount of meat inside depends on whether it is your mother or your mother-in-law who cooked it. BUT you should always save all the little leftovers of your Brisket, roast, etc..........and of course, chop it all up together.......you can put it in your soup or you could brown in the oven, or ????? what ever you want. (sounds like there is a song here
somewhere)

CHOLENT
This combination of noxious gases had been the secret weapon of Jews for centuries. The unique combination of beans, barley, potatoes, and bones or meat is meant to stick to your ribs and anything else it comes into contact with. At a fancy Mexican restaurant (kosher of course) I once heard this comment from a youngster who had just had his first taste of Mexican fried beans: "What! Do they serve leftover cholent here too?!"

GEFILTE FISH
Many years ago, I had problems with my filter in my fish pond and a few of them got rather stuck and mangled. My son (5 years old) looked at them and commented "Is that why we call it 'Ge Filtered Fish'?" Originally, it was a carp stuffed with a minced fish and vegetable mixture. Today it usually comprises small fish balls eaten with horseradish ("chrain") which is
judged on its relative strength in bringing tears to your eyes at 100 paces. (Jewish Afrin or Neo-Synephrin) )

BAGELS
How can we finish without the quintessential Jewish Food, the bagel? Like most foods, there are legends surrounding the bagel although I don't know any. There have been persistent rumors that the inventors of the bagel were the Norwegians who couldn't get anyone to buy smoked lox. Think about it: Can you picture yourself eating lox on white bread? Rye? A cracker? Naaa. They looked for something hard and almost indigestible which could take the spread of cream cheese and which doesn't take up too much room on the plate. And why the hole? The truth is that many philosophers believe the hole is the essence and the dough is only there for emphasis.

Art

An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings on display at that time.

"I have good news and bad news," the owner replied. "The good news is that a gentleman enquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. When I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your paintings."

"That's wonderful!" the artist exclaimed. "What's the bad news?"

"The guy was your doctor."

Courtroom Scene

A defense attorney was cross-examining a police officer during a felony trial--it went like this:

Q: Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?
A: No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender running several blocks away.

Q: Officer, who provided this description?
A: The officer who responded to the scene.

Q: A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?
A: Yes sir, with my life.

Q: WITH YOUR LIFE? Let me ask you this then officer--do you have a locker room in the police station--a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?
A: Yes sir, we do.

Q: And do you have a locker in that room?
A: Yes sir, I do.

Q: And do you have a lock on your locker?
A: Yes sir.

Q: Now why is it, officer, IF YOU TRUST YOUR FELLOW OFFICERS WITH YOUR LIFE, that you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with those officers?
A: You see sir, we share the building with a court complex, and sometimes defense attorneys have been known to walk through that room .

With that the courtroom erupted in laughter, and a prompt recess was called.

WARNING!

In light of the rising frequency of human-grizzly bear conflicts, the Alaska Department of Fish and Game is advising hikers, hunters, and fishermen to take extra precautions and keep alert of bears while in the field. We advise that outdoorsmen wear noisy little bells on their clothing so as not to startle bears that aren't expecting them. We also advise outdoorsmen to carry pepper spray with them in case of an encounter with a bear. It is also a good idea to watch out for fresh signs of bear activity. Outdoorsmen should recognize the difference between black bear and grizzly bear scat. Black bear scat is smaller and contains lots of berries and squirrel fur. Grizzly bear scat has little bells in it and smells like pepper spray.

Interesting Facts

In ancient China, people committed suicide by eating a pound of salt.

For many years after the Battle of Waterloo, dentures know as "Waterloo teeth" were sold throughout Europe. These were actual human teeth extracted from the corpses of soldiers on the Waterloo battlefield. They were especially esteemed among denture wearers because most of them came from young, healthy boys.

Mickey Mouse has only four fingers. Early Mickey Mouses can be distinguished from later ones by the fact that the originals have a pie-shaped section of white in their eyes while the later ones do not.

Andrew Jackson was the first president to ride in a railroad train. The first to use a telephone was James Garfield. Theodore Roosevelt was the first president to ride in an automobile.

For his entire forty-seven years in government, Herbert Hoover turned over each of his Federal salary checks to charity. He had become independently wealthy before entering politics.

Robert Todd Lincoln, son of Abraham Lincoln, was present at the assassinations of three presidents: his father's, President Garfield's, and President McKinley's. After the last shooting, he refused ever to attend a state affair again.

The first famous western star, Bronco Billy Anderson, who had a bit part in the first western movie ever made (The Great Train Robbery, 1903), was so inept at horseback riding that it took three men to lift him into the saddle.