Humor & Story BLOG

Message from God

Paul Harvey, American radio's premier commentator, read this on
his Noon News, Saturday, May 16, 1998. The response was
overwhelming. Harvey's Chicago office was inundated by phone
calls, mail and faxes.

Here's the text:

An Open Letter from God:

My dear children, and believe Me, that is all of you, I consider
Myself a pretty patient guy. I mean, look at the Grand Canyon. It
took millions of years to get it right. And about evolution? Boy,
nothing is slower than designing that whole Darwinian thing to
take place cell by cell and gene by gene.

And I have been patient through your fashions, your
civilizations, wars and schemes, and the countless ways that you
take Me for granted until you get yourselves into big trouble
again and again.

I want to let you know about some of the things that started
ticking Me off. First of all, your religious rivalries are
driving Me up a wall. Enough already!

Let's get one thing straight. These are your religions, not Mine.
I'm the whole enchilada. I'm beyond 'em all.

Every one of your religions claims that there's only one of Me,
which, by the way, is absolutely true, but in the very next
breath each religion claims that it's My favorite one. And each
claims its bible was written personally by Me, and that all of
the other bibles are man-made. Oh, Me. How do I ever begin to put
a stop to such complicated nonsense?

All right, listen up now. I am your Father and Mother, and I
don't play favorites among My children.

Also, I hate to break it to you, but I don't write. My longhand
is awful, and I've always been more of a doer anyway. So ALL of
your books, including those bibles, were written by men and
women. They were inspired men and women, they were remarkable
people, but they also made mistakes here and there. And I made
sure of that, so that you would never trust a written word rather
than your own living heart.

You see, one human being to Me-even a bum on the street-is worth
more than all of the holy books in the world. That's just the
kind of a guy I am.

My spirit is not an historical thing. It's alive right now, right
now, as fresh as your next breath. Holy books and religious rites
are sacred and powerful, but they are not more so than the least
of you. They were only meant to steer you in the right direction,
not to keep you arguing with each other, and certainly not to
keep you from trusting your own personal connection with Me.

Which brings Me to My next point about your nonsense. You act
like I need you and your religions to stick up for Me or win
souls for My sake. Please, don't do Me any favors. I can stand
quite well on My own, thank you. I don't need you to defend Me, I
don't need constant credit. I just want you to be good to each
other.

And another thing, I don't get all worked up over money or
politics, so stop dragging My name into your dramas. For example,
I swear to Me that I never threatened Oral Roberts. I never rode
in any of Rajneesh's Rolls Royces and I never told Pat Robertson
to run for president, and I have never had a conversation with
Jim Bakker, Jerry Falwell or Jimmy Swaggart.

Of course, come Judgement Day, I certainly intend to.

Now the thing is, I want you to stop thinking of religion as some
sort of a loyalty pledge to Me. The true purpose of religion is
so that YOU can become more aware of ME, not the other way
around. Believe Me, I know you already. I know what's in each of
your hearts, and I love you anyway with no strings attached.
So, lighten up and enjoy Me. That's what religion's best for.

What you seem to forget is how mysterious I am. You look at the
petty differences in your scriptures and you say, "Well, if this
is the truth, then that can't be." But instead of trying to
figure out My paradoxes and unfathomable nature-which, by the
way, you never will-why not open your hearts to the simple,
common threads of every religion? You know what I'm talking
about. Play nice with each other. Love and respect everyone. Be
kind. Even when life is scary or confusing, take courage and be
of good cheer, for I'm always with you.

And learn how to be quiet, so that you can hear My still, small
voice. I don't like to shout. Leave the world a better place by
living your life with dignity and gracefulness, for you are My
own child. Hold back nothing from life, for the parts of you that
can die surely will, and the parts that can't, won't. So don't
worry, be happy. (I stole that last line from Bobby McFerrin, but
Who gave it to him in the first place?)

Simple stuff now. Why do you keep making it so complicated? It's
like you're always looking for an excuse to be upset. And I am
very tired of being your main excuse. Do you think whether you
call Me God, or Yahweh, or Jehovah, Allah, Wakatonka, Brahma,
Father, Mother, even the Void of Nirvana? Do you think I care
which of My Special Children you feel closest to-Jesus, Mary,
Buddha, Krishna, Mohammed or any of the others? You can call Me
and My Special Ones any names you choose, if only you will go
about My business of loving one another as I love you. How can
you keep neglecting something so simple?

No, I am not telling you to abandon your religions.
Enjoy your religions, honor them, learn from them, just as you should enjoy,
honor, and learn from your parents. But do you walk around
telling everyone that your parents are better than theirs? Your
religion, like your parents, may always have the most special
place in your heart. I don't mind that at all. And I don't want
you to combine all of the great traditions into One big mess.
Each religion is unique for a reason. Each has a unique style so
that people can find the best path for themselves. But My Special
Children-the ones that your religions revolve around-all live in
the same place in My heart, and they get along perfectly, I
assure you.

The clergy must stop creating a myth of sibling rivalry where
there is none. My blessed children of Earth, the world has grown
too small for your pervasive religious bigotries and confusion.
The whole planet is now connected by air travel, satellite
dishes, telephones, fax machines, rock concerts, diseases and
mutual needs and concerns. Get with the program!

If you really want to help me celebrate the birthday of My Son
Jesus, then commit yourselves to figuring out how to feed your
hungry and clothe your naked, and protect your abused and shelter
your poor. And just as important, make your own everyday life a
shining example of kindness and good humor. I've given you all
the resources you need, if only you abandon your fear of each
other and begin living, and loving and laughing together.

Now, I am not really ticked off. Not really. I just wanted to
grab your attention because I hate to see you suffer. But I gave
you free will, so what can I do now other than try to influence
you through reason, persuasion, and a little old-fashioned guilt
and manipulation?

After all, you know I am the original Jewish Mother. I just want
you to be happy, and I'll sit in the dark. I really am with you always.

Always,

Trust in Me.

Your One and Only,
God

Fractured Bible Stories

Bible Stories Retold by Young Scholars around the World. The jewels found below are said to be written by actual students and are "genuine, authentic, and unretouched." Compiled by Richard Lederer, they appear in the 12/31/95 issue of National Review.

In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, God got tired of
creating the world, so He took the Sabbath off. Adam and Eve
were created from an apple tree. Noah's wife was called Joan of
Ark. Noah built an ark, which the animals came on to in pears.
Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by
night.

The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had
trouble with the unsympathetic Genitals. Samson was a strongman
who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah. Samson
slayed the Philistines with the axe of the apostles.

Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened
bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. The Egyptians
were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses went up on
Mount Cyanide to get the Ten Amendments. The First Commandment
was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple. The Fifth Commandment is
to humor thy father and mother. The seventh Commandment is thou
shalt not admit adultery. Moses died before he ever reached
Canada. Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol. The
greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to
stand still and he obeyed him.

David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought
with the Finklesteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical
times. Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700
porcupines.

When Mary heard that she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the
Magna Carta. When the three wise guys from the east side arrived,
they found Jesus in the manager. Jesus was born because Mary had
an immaculate contraption. St. John, the Blacksmith, dumped water
on his head.

Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others
before they do one to you. He also explained, "Man doth not live
by sweat alone." It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead
and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.

The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 decibels. The
epistles were the wives of the apostles. One of the opossums was
St. Matthew who was by profession a taximan.

St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony,
which is another name for marriage. A Christian should have only
one spouse. This is called monotony.

You're Not Old UNLESS You Can Remember...

Being sent to the drugstore to test vacuum tubes for the TV.
When Kool-Aid was the only other drink for kids, other than milk and Sodas.
When there were only 2 types of sneakers for boys, & girls wouldn't wear them.
When boys couldn't wear anything but leather shoes to school.
When it took five minutes for the TV to warm up.
When nearly everyone's parents smoked.
When all your friends got their hair cut at the kitchen table.
When nearly everyone's mom was at home when the kids got there.
When nobody owned a pure-bred dog.
When a dime was a decent allowance, and a quarter a huge bonus.
When you'd reach into a muddy gutter for a penny.
When girls neither dated nor kissed until late high school, if then.
When your mom wore nylons that came in two pieces.
When all your teachers wore either neckties or had their hair done, every day.
When you got your windshield cleaned, oil checked, and gas pumped, without asking....... for free, every time.
When any parent could discipline any kid, or feed him, or use him to carry groceries, and nobody, not even the kid, thought a thing of it.
When it was considered a great privilege to be taken out to dinner at a real restaurant with your parents.
When schools threatened to keep kids back a grade if they failed--and actually did it.

Mom's day

For the Moms out there who can relate, the dads out there who need to, and any future parents to prepare you...
Being A MOM ! ! ! ! !

One day a man comes home from work to find total mayhem at home.

The kids were outside still in their pajamas playing in the mud and muck. There were empty food boxes and wrappers all around. As he proceeded into the house, he found an even bigger mess. Dishes on the counter, dog food spilled on the floor, a broken glass under the table, and a small pile of sand by the back door. The family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing, and a lamp had been knocked over.

He headed up the stairs, stepping over toys, to look for his wife. He was becoming worried that she may be ill, or that something had happened to her. He found her in the bedroom, still in bed with her pajamas on, reading a book.

She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went.

He looked at her bewildered and asked "what happened here today?"

She again smiled and answered, "You know everyday when you come home from work and ask me what I did today?"

"Yes," was his reply.

She answered, "Well, today I didn't do it!"

Rampant Cruelty

The clerk asked me, "Cash, check or charge?" after ringing up my purchase.

As I fumbled through my wallet, she noticed a remote control for a television set in my purse.

"Do you always carry your TV remote?" she asked.

"No," I replied. "But my husband refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him!"

New Yorker and...

A Saudi, a Russian, a North Korean, and a New Yorker are walking down the street. A pollster stops them and asks, "Excuse me, what is your opinion of the meat shortage?"

The Saudi replies "Excuse me, what's a 'shortage'?"

The Russian replies, "Excuse me, what's 'meat'?"

The North Korean replies, "Excuse me, what's an 'opinion'?"

The New Yorker replies, "What's 'Excuse me'?"

The photographer for a national magazine was assigned to get photos of a great forest fire. Smoke at the scene was too thick to get any good shots, so he frantically called his home office to hire a plane.


Flying Photographer

"It will be waiting for you at the airport!" he was assured by his editor.

As soon as he got to the small, rural airport, sure enough, a plane was warming up near the runway. He jumped in with his equipment and yelled, "Let's go! Let's go!" The pilot swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air.

"Fly over the north side of the fire," said the photographer, "and make three or four low level passes."

"Why?" asked the pilot.

"Because I'm going to take pictures! I'm a photographer, and photographers take pictures!" said the photographer with great exasperation and impatience.

After a long pause the pilot said, "You mean you're not the instructor?"

Cakes & Ale

Here is a true story someone found regarding exams at Cambridge University.

It seems that during an examination one day a bright young student popped up and asked the proctor to bring him Cakes and Ale. The following dialog ensued:

Proctor: I beg your pardon?

Student: Sir, I request that you bring me Cakes and Ale.

Proctor: Sorry, no.

Student: Sir, I really must insist. I request and require that you bring me Cakes and Ale.

At this point, the student produced a copy of the four hundred year old Laws of Cambridge, written in Latin and still nominally in effect, and pointed to the section which read (roughly translated): "Gentlemen sitting examinations may request and require Cakes and Ale." Pepsi and hamburgers were judged the modern equivalent, and the student sat there, writing his examination and happily slurping away.

Three weeks later, the student was fined five pounds for not wearing a sword to the examination.

After Surgery

Two little kids were in a hospital laying next to each other. The first kid leaned over and asked, "What are you in here for?"

The second kid said, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous."

The first kid said, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done to me once. They put you to sleep and when you wake up, they give you lots of jello and ice cream. It's a piece of cake!"

The second kid then asked, "What are you in here for?" The first kid responded, "Well, I'm here for a circumcision." The second kid said, "Whoa! I had that done when I was born. I couldn't walk for a year!"

Pilot?

Taxiing down the tarmac, the jetliner abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate. After an hour long wait, it finally took off.

A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What was the problem?"

"The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," he explained. "It took us awhile to find a new pilot."

Y2K, How soon we forget..

January 1, 2000

Dear Valued Employee:
Re: Vacation Pay

Our records indicate that you have not used any vacation time over the past 100 year(s). As I'm sure you are aware, employees are granted 3 weeks of paid leave per year or pay in lieu of time off. One additional week is granted for every 5 years of service. Please either take 9,400 days off work or notify our office and your next pay cheque will reflect payment of $8,277,432.22 which will include all pay and interest for the past 1,200 months.

Sincerely,

Automated Payroll Processing

Cute Stuff

A three-year-old went with his dad to see a litter of kittens. On returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother there were two boy kittens and two girl kittens. "How did you know?" his mother asked. "Daddy picked them up and looked underneath," he replied. "I think it's printed on the bottom."

####

Another three-year old put his shoes on by himself. His mother noticed the left was on the right foot. She said, "Son, your shoes are on the wrong feet." He looked up at her with a raised brow and said, "Don't kid me, Mom. I KNOW they're my feet."

####

On the first day of school, the Kindergarten teacher said, "If anyone has to go to the bathroom, hold up two fingers." A little voice from the back of the room asked, "How will that help?"

####

A mother and her young son returned from the grocery store and began putting away the groceries. The boy opened the box of animal crackers and spread them all over the table. "What are you doing?" his mother asked. "The box says you can't eat them if the seal is broken," the boy explained. "I'm looking for the seal."

####

Can people predict the future with cards? My mother can. Really? Yes, she takes one look at my report card and tells me what will happen when my father gets home.

####

A father was reading Bible stories to his young son. He read, "The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city, but his wife looked back and was turned to salt." His son asked, "What happened to the flea?"

####

A four-year-old girl was learning to say the Lord's Prayer. She was reciting it all by herself without help from her mother. She said, "And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us some e-mail. AMEN."

Near Death Humor

A middle aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.

While on the operating table she had a near death experience. Seeing God, she asked if this was it. God said, "No you have another 43 years, 2 months, and 8 days to live."

Upon recovery the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face lift, liposution, breast augmentation, tummy tuck, etc. She even had someone come in and change her hair color, figuring since she had so much more time to live, she might as well make the most of it.

She got out of the hospital after the last operation and while crossing the street was killed by an ambulance speeding to the hospital.

Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 40 Years?"

God replied,"I didn't recognize you."

Whodunnit

A workman was killed at a construction site. The police began questioning a number of the other workers. Based with past brushes with the law, many of these workers were considered prime suspects. They were a motley crew:

-The electrician was suspected of wiretapping once but was never charged.

-The carpenter thought he was a stud. He tried to frame another man one time.

-The glazier went to great panes to conceal his past. He still claims that he didn't do anything, that he was framed.

-The painter had a brush with the law several years ago.

-The heating, ventilation and air conditioning contractor was known to pack heat. He was arrested once but duct the charges.

-The mason was suspect because he gets stoned regularly.

-The cabinet maker is an accomplished counter fitter.

The autopsy led the police to arrest the carpenter, who subsequently confessed. The evidence against him was irrefutable, because it was found that the workman, when he died, was hammered.

Business as usual

Two beggars are sitting on a park bench in Mexico City. One is holding a cross and one a Star of David. Both are holding hats to collect contributions. People walk by, lift their noses at the man with the Star of David and drop money in the hat held by the man with the cross. Soon the hat of the man with the cross is filled and the hat of the man with the Star of David is empty.

A priest watches and then approaches the men. He turns to the man with the Star of David and says: "Young man. Don't you realize that this is a Catholic country? You'll never get any contributions in this country holding a Star of David."

The man with the Star of David turns to the man with the cross and says: "Moishe, can you imagine, this guy is trying to tell us how to run our business?!"

Love letter for your valentine

This is a love letter from a boy to a girl.... However, the boy's father does not like her and want them stop the relationship...... So the boy wrote this letter to the girl.

1) "The great love that I have for you
2) is gone, and I find my dislike for you
3) grows every day. When I see you,
4) I do not even like your face;
5) the one thing that I want to do is to
6) look at other girls. I never wanted to
7) marry you. Our last conversation
8) was very boring and has not
9) made me look forward to seeing you again.
10) You think only of yourself.
11) If we were married, I know that I would find
12) life very difficult, and I would have no
13) pleasure in living with you. I have a heart
14) to give, but it is not something that
15) I want to give to you. No one is more
16) foolish and selfish than you, and you are not
17) able to care for me and help me.
18) I sincerely want you to understand that
19) I speak the truth. You will do me a favor
20) if you think this the end. Do not try
21) to answer this. Your letters are full of
22) things that do not interest me. You have no
23) true love for me. Good-bye! Believe me,
24) I do not care for you. Please do not think that
25) I am still your loveone."

So bad..... However, the boy told the girl before to "READ BETWEEN THE LINES", meaning only to read 1st line, then third line, then 5.7.9.11.13......So...Please read it again!

College Humor

A fellow walks into a restaurant, orders a drink and asks the waiter if he'd like to hear a good USC joke.

"Listen Buddy," he growled. "See those two big guys on your left? They are both linemen on the USC football team. And that fellow on your right is a world-class wrestler for USC. That guy in the corner is USC's all-time champion weight lifter. And I lettered in 3 sports at USC. Now, are you absolutely sure you want to go ahead and tell your joke here?"

"Nah, guess not," the man replied. "I wouldn't want to have to explain it 5 times."

listserv humor

How many mail list subscribers does it take to change a light bulb?

Answer: 1,331

1 to change the light bulb and to post to the mail list that the light bulb has been changed

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently

7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs

27 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs

53 to flame the spell checkers

41 to correct spelling in the spelling/grammar flames

156 to write to the list administrator complaining about the light bulb discussion and its inappropriateness to this mail list

109 to post that this list is not about light bulbs and to please take this email exchange to another list

203 to demand that cross posting to other lists about changing light bulbs be stopped

111 to defend the posting to this list saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts *are* relevant to this mail list

3 to post about links they found from the URLs that are relevant to this list which makes light bulbs relevant to this list

306 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique, and what brands are faulty

27 to post URLs where one can see examples of different light bulbs

14 to post that the URLs were posted incorrectly, and to post corrected URLs

33 to concatenate all posts to date, then quote them including all headers and footers, and then add "Me Too."

12 to post to the list that they are unsubscribing because they cannot handle the light bulb controversey

19 to quote the "Me Too's" to say, "Me Three."

4 to suggest that posters request the light bulb FAQ

48 to propose new change.lite.bulb newsgroup

47 to say there is already an alt.light.bulb newsgroup

143 to ask if anyone ever did change the lightbulb

Going Too Fast

A man decided that he was going to ride a 10 speed bike from Phoenix to Flagstaff. He got as far as Black Canyon City before the mountains just became to much and he could go no farther.

He stuck his thumb out but after 3 hours, hadn't gotten a single person to stop. Finally a guy in a Corvette pulled over and offered him a ride. Of course, the bike wouldn't fit in the car. The owner of the Corvette found a piece of rope lying by the highway and tied it to his bumper. He tied the other end to the bike and told the man that if he got to going
too fast, to honk the horn on his bike and that he would slow down.

Everything went fine for the first 30 miles. Suddenly, another Corvette blew past them. Not to be outdone, the Corvette pulling the bike took off after the other. A short distance down the road, the Corvettes, both going well over 90 mph, blew through a speed trap. The police officer noted the speeds from his radar gun and radioed to the other officer that he
had two Corvettes headed his way at over 90 mph. He then relayed, "and you're not going to believe this, but there's guy on a 10 speed bike honking to pass!"

English Pronunciation Test

This is the finest detritus that I've seen come over the internet. It illustrates beautifully that written English is NOT phonetic.

It reinforces Bernard Shaw's "GHOTI" which he proposed for "fish."
GH as in cough, O as in women, and TI as in nation.

Once you've learned to correctly pronounce every word in the following poem, you will be speaking English better than 90% of the native English speakers in the world.

If you find it tough going, do not despair, you are not alone: Multi-national personnel at North Atlantic Treaty Organization headquarters near Paris found English to be an easy language ... until they tried to pronounce it. To help them discard an array of accents, the verses below were devised. After trying them, a Frenchman said he'd prefer six months at hard labor to reading six lines aloud. Try them yourself.

English is Tough Stuff

Dearest creature in creation,
Study English pronunciation.
I will teach you in my verse
Sounds like corpse, corps, horse, and worse.
I will keep you, Suzy, busy,
Make your head with heat grow dizzy.
Tear in eye, your dress will tear.
So shall I! Oh hear my prayer.

Just compare heart, beard, and heard,
Dies and diet, lord and word,
Sword and sward, retain and Britain.
(Mind the latter, how it's written.)
Now I surely will not plague you
With such words as plaque and ague.
But be careful how you speak:
Say break and steak, but bleak and streak;
Cloven, oven, how and low,
Script, receipt, show, poem, and toe.

Hear me say, devoid of trickery,
Daughter, laughter, and Terpsichore,
Typhoid, measles, topsails, aisles,
Exiles, similes, and reviles;
Scholar, vicar, and cigar,
Solar, mica, war and far;
One, anemone, Balmoral,
Kitchen, lichen, laundry, laurel;
Gertrude, German, wind and mind,
Scene, Melpomene, mankind.

Billet does not rhyme with ballet,
Bouquet, wallet, mallet, chalet.
Blood and flood are not like food,
Nor is mould like should and would.
Viscous, viscount, load and broad,
Toward, to forward, to reward.
And your pronunciation's OK
When you correctly say croquet,
Rounded, wounded, grieve and sieve,
Friend and fiend, alive and live.

Ivy, privy, famous; clamour
And enamour rhyme with hammer.
River, rival, tomb, bomb, comb,
Doll and roll and some and home.
Stranger does not rhyme with anger,
Neither does devour with clangour.
Souls but foul, haunt but aunt,
Font, front, wont, want, grand, and grant,
Shoes, goes, does. Now first say finger,
And then singer, ginger, linger,
Real, zeal, mauve, gauze, gouge and gauge,
Marriage, foliage, mirage, and age.

Query does not rhyme with very,
Nor does fury sound like bury.
Dost, lost, post and doth, cloth, loth.
Job, nob, bosom, transom, oath.
Though the differences seem little,
We say actual but victual.
Refer does not rhyme with deafer.
Foeffer does, and zephyr, heifer.
Mint, pint, senate and sedate;
Dull, bull, and George ate late.
Scenic, Arabic, Pacific,
Science, conscience, scientific.

Liberty, library, heave and heaven,
Rachel, ache, moustache, eleven.
We say hallowed, but allowed,
People, leopard, towed, but vowed.
Mark the differences, moreover,
Between mover, cover, clover;
Leeches, breeches, wise, precise,
Chalice, but police and lice;
Camel, constable, unstable,
Principle, disciple, label.

Petal, panel, and canal,
Wait, surprise, plait, promise, pal.
Worm and storm, chaise, chaos, chair,
Senator, spectator, mayor.
Tour, but our and succour, four.
Gas, alas, and Arkansas.
Sea, idea, Korea, area,
Psalm, Maria, but malaria.
Youth, south, southern, cleanse and clean.
Doctrine, turpentine, marine.

Compare alien with Italian,
Dandelion and battalion.
Sally with ally, yea, ye,
Eye, I, ay, aye, whey, and key.
Say aver, but ever, fever,
Neither, leisure, skein, deceiver.
Heron, granary, canary.
Crevice and device and aerie.

Face, but preface, not efface.
Phlegm, phlegmatic, ass, glass, bass.
Large, but target, gin, give, verging,
Ought, out, joust and scour, scourging.
Ear, but earn and wear and tear
Do not rhyme with here but ere.
Seven is right, but so is even,
Hyphen, roughen, nephew Stephen,
Monkey, donkey, Turk and jerk,
Ask, grasp, wasp, and cork and work.

Pronunciation -- think of Psyche!
Is a paling stout and spikey?
Won't it make you lose your wits,
Writing groats and saying grits?
It's a dark abyss or tunnel:
Strewn with stones, stowed, solace, gunwale,
Islington and Isle of Wight,
Housewife, verdict and indict.

Finally, which rhymes with enough --
Though, through, plough, or dough, or cough?
Hiccough has the sound of cup.
My advice is to give up!!!

-- Author Unknown

Oooops!

A parts manager for a small electronics shop, had occasion to order part No. 669 from the factory. But when he received it he noticed that someone had sent part No. 699 instead.

Furious at the factory's incompetence, he promptly sent the part back along with a letter giving them a piece of his mind.

Less than a week later, he received the same part back with a letter containing just four words: "TURN THE PART OVER."

Growing Old...

Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.

Insanity is my only means of relaxation.

Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.

Blessed are those who hunger and thirst; for they are sticking to their diets.

You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.

My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely.

Every time I think about exercise I lie down till the thought goes away.

It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.

If you can remain calm, you just don't have all the facts.

Stress reducer: Put a bag on your head. Mark it, "Closed for Remodeling." Caution-leave air holes.

I finally got my head together and my body fell apart.

There cannot be a crisis this week, my schedule is already full.

The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing in the right place but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.

The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight shoes.

The nice part of living in a small town is that when I don't know what I'm doing someone else does.

The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because by then your body and your fat are really good friends.

Age doesn't always bring wisdom. Sometimes age comes alone.

Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.

Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain consciousness.

You don't stop laughing because you grow old, you grow old because you stop laughing.

Why I'm REALLY tired all the time

Finally the reason behind why I'm always so tired!!!

For a couple years I've been blaming it on lack of sleep and too much pressure from my job, but now I found out the real reason: I'm tired because I'm overworked.

The population of this country is 237 million. 104 million are retired. That leaves 133 million to do the work.

There are 85 million in school, which leaves 48 million to do the work.

Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government, leaving 19 million to do the work.

2.8 Million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 16.2 million to do the work.

Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for State and City Governments and that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.

At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals, leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.

Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons. That leaves just two people to do the work.

You and me.

And you're sitting at your computer reading jokes.

If Airlines Sold Paint

How it is now.

Buying paint from a hardware store:

Customer: Hi, how much is your paint?

Clerk: We have regular quality for $12 a gallon and premium for $18. How many gallons would you like?

Customer: Five gallons of regular quality, please.

Clerk: Great. That will be $60 plus tax.

Buying paint from an airline:

Customer: Hi, how much is your paint?

Clerk: Well, Sir that all depends

Customer: Depends on what?

Clerk: Actually, a lot of things.

Customer: How about giving me an average price?

Clerk: Wow, that's too hard a question. The lowest price is $9 a gallon, and we have 150 different prices up to $200 per gallon.

Customer: What's the difference in the paint?

Clerk: Oh, there isn't any difference, it's all the same paint.

Customer: Well, then, I'd like some of that $9 paint.

Clerk: Well, first I need to ask you a few questions. When do you intend to use it?

Customer: I want to paint tomorrow, on my day off.

Clerk: Sir the paint for tomorrow is $200 paint.

Customer: What? When would I have to paint in order to get $9 paint?

Clerk: That would be in three weeks, but you will also have to agree to start painting before Friday of that week and continue painting until at least Sunday.

Customer: You've got to be kidding!

Clerk: Sir, we don't kid around here. Of course, I'll have to check to see if we have any of that paint available before I can sell it to you.

Customer: What do you mean check to see if you can sell it to me? You have shelves full of that stuff, I can see it right there.

Clerk: Just because you can see it doesn't mean that we have it. It may be the same paint, but we sell only certain number of gallons on any given weekend. Oh, and by the way, the price just went up to $12.

Customer: You mean the price went up while we were talking?

Clerk: Yes sir. You see, we change prices and rules thousands of times a day, and since you haven't actually walked out of the store with your paint yet, we just decided to change. Unless you want the same thing to happen again, I would suggest you get on with your purchase. How many gallons do you want?

Customer: I don't know exactly... maybe five gallons. Maybe I should buy six gallons just to make sure I have enough.

Clerk: Oh, no sir, you can't do that. If you buy the paint and then don't use it, you will be liable for penalties and possible confiscation of the paint you already have.

Customer: What?

Clerk: That's right. We can sell you enough paint to do your kitchen, bathroom, hall and north bedroom, but if you stop painting before you do the other bedroom, you will be in violation of our tariffs.

Customer: But what does it matter to you whether I use all of the paint? I already paid you for it!

Clerk: Sir, there's no point in getting upset; that's just the way it is. We make plans based upon the idea that you will use all of the paint, and when you don't, it just causes us all sorts of problems.

Customer: This is crazy! I supposed something terrible will happen if I don't keep painting until Sunday night?

Clerk: Yes, sir, it will.

Customer: Well, that does it! I am going somewhere else to buy paint!

Clerk: That won't do you any good, sir. We all have the same rules. You might as well just buy it here, while the price is still $13.50.

Thanks for flying - I mean painting with our airline.

GREAT REASONS TO BE A GUY (from a woman's perspective)

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
Dry cleaners and hair cutters don't rob you blind.
You can go to the bathroom without a support group.
You don't have to learn to spell a new last name.
You can kill your own food.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $10 a three-pack.
If you are 34 and single, nobody notices.
Everything on your face stays it's original color.
You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You don't have to clean your apartment if the meter reader is coming.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
You can quietly watch a game with your buddy for hours without ever thinking: He must be mad at me.
Same work......more pay.
Gray hair and wrinkles add character.
You don't mooch off others' desserts.
You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little gift.
If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just might become lifelong friends.
Your pals can be trusted to never trap you with...."So, notice anything different?".
You are not expected to know the names of more than five colors.
You don't have to stop and think which way to turn a nut or a bolt.
You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You don't have to shave below your neck.
Your belly usually hides your big hips.
One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.
You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
Wedding dress - $2,000; Tuxedo rental - $75.
The same car is good for at least 200,000 miles.
You don't have to ask directions since you know where you're going.
Windows don't need to be washed since the next rain will clean them.

A Homily

A water bearer in India had two large pots, each hung on each end of a pole, which he carried across his neck. One of the pots had a crack in it, and while the other pot was perfect and always delivered a full portion of water at the end of the long walk from the stream to the master's house, the cracked pot arrived only half full. For two years this went on daily, with the bearer delivering only one and a half pots of water to his master's house. Of course, the perfect pot was proud of its accomplishments, perfect to the end for which it was made.

But the poor cracked pot was ashamed of its own imperfection, and miserable that it was able to accomplish only half of what it had been made to do. After two years of what it perceived to be a bitter failure, it spoke to the water bearer one day by the stream. "I am ashamed of myself, and I want to apologize to you."

"Why?" asked the bearer. "What are you ashamed of?"

"I have been able, for these past two years, to deliver only half my load because this crack in my side causes water to leak out all the way back to your master's house. Because of my flaws, you have to do all of this work, and you don't get full value from your efforts," the pot said.

The water bearer felt sorry for the old cracked pot, and in his compassion he said, "As we return to the master's house, I want you to notice the beautiful flowers along the path."

Indeed, as they went up the hill, the old cracked pot took notice of the sun warming the beautiful wild flowers on the side of the path, and this cheered it some. But at the end of the trail, it still felt bad because it had leaked out half its load, and so again it apologized to the bearer for its failure. The bearer said to the pot, "Did you notice that there were flowers only on your side of your path, but not on the other pot's side? That's because I have always known about your flaw, and I took advantage of it. I planted flower seeds on your side of the path, and every day while we walk back from
the stream, you've watered them. For two years I have been able to pick these beautiful flowers to decorate my master's table. Without you being just the way you are, he would not have this beauty to grace his house."

Each of us has our own unique flaws. We're all cracked pots. But if we will allow it, the Lord will use our flaws to grace His table. In God's great economy, nothing goes to waste.

Triumphs of science and math!

A Mathematician, a Biologist and a Physicist are sitting in a street cafe watching walk by the empty house on the other side of the street. First they see two people going into the house. Time passes. After a while they notice three people coming out of the house.

The Physicist says: "The measurement wasn't accurate."

The Biologist concludes: "They have reproduced."

The Mathematician says: "Now if another person enters the house, it'll be empty again!"

Comparing Men and Women

NICKNAMES:
If Emma, Suzanne, Debra and Michelle go out for lunch, they will call each other Emma, Suzanne, Debra and Michelle. But if Mike, Phil, Rob and Jack go out for a pint, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Useless.

EATING OUT:
When the bill arrives, Mike, Phil, Rob and Jack will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $22.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back. When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY:
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't want.

BATHROOMS:
A man has six items in his bathroom -- a toothbrush, toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would
not be able to identify most of these items.

ARGUMENTS:
A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

CATS:
Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

FUTURE:
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

SUCCESS:
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

MARRIAGE:
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.

DRESSING UP:
A woman will dress up to: go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail. A man will dress up for: weddings, funerals.

NATURAL:
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING:
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

I asked...

I asked God to take away my pride.
It is not for me to take away, but for you to give it up.

I asked God to make my handicapped child whole.
Her spirit was whole, her body was only temporary.

I asked God to grant me patience.
Patience is a byproduct of tribulations; it isn't granted, it is earned.

I asked God to give me happiness.
I give you blessings, happiness is up to you.

I asked God to spare me pain.
Suffering draws you apart from worldly cares and brings you closer to me.

I asked God to make my spirit grow.
You must grow on your own, but I will prune you to make you fruitful.

I asked for all things that I might enjoy life.
I will give you life so that you may enjoy all things.

I ask God to help me LOVE others, as much as he loves me.
God said... Ahhhh, finally you have the idea!

####

What if,
GOD couldn't take the time to bless us today because we couldn't take the time to thank HIM yesterday?

What if,
GOD decided to stop leading us tomorrow because we didn't follow HIM today?

What if,
we never saw another flower bloom because we grumbled when GOD sent the rain?

What if,
GOD didn't walk with us today because we failed to recognize it as His day?

What if,
GOD took away His message because we failed to listen to the messenger?

What if,
GOD didn't send His only begotten Son because He wanted us to be prepared to pay the price for sin?

What if,
the door of the church was closed because we did not open the door of our heart?

What if,
GOD stopped loving and caring for us because we failed to love and care for others?

What if,
GOD would not hear us today because we would not listen to Him yesterday?

What if,
GOD answered our prayers the way we answer His call to service?

What if,
GOD met our needs the way we give Him our lives???

What if,
we failed to send this message on?

Instructions For Life

1. Give people more than they expect and do it cheerfully.
2. Memorize your favorite poem.
3. Don't believe all you hear, spend all you have or sleep all you want.
4. When you say, "I love you", mean it.
5. When you say, "I'm sorry", look the person in the eye.
6. Be engaged at least six months before you get married.
7. Believe in love at first sight.
8. Never laugh at anyone's dreams.
9. Love deeply and passionately. You might get hurt but it's the only way to live life completely.
10. In disagreements, fight fairly. No name calling.
11. Don't judge people by their relatives.
12. Talk slowly but think quickly.
13. When someone asks you a question you don't want to answer, smile and ask, "Why do you want to know?"
14. Remember that great love and great achievements involve great risk.
15. Call your mom.
16. Say "bless you" when you hear someone sneeze.
17. When you lose, don't lose the lesson.
18. Remember the three R's: Respect for self; Respect for others; Responsibility for all your actions.
19. Don't let a little dispute injure a great friendship.
20. When you realize you've made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it.
21. Smile when picking up the phone. The caller will hear it in your voice.
22. Marry a man/woman you love to talk to. As you get older, their conversational skills will be as important as any other.
23. Spend some time alone.
24. Open your arms to change, but don't let go of your values.
25. Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.
26. Read more books and watch less TV.
27. Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you'll get to enjoy it a second time.
28. Trust in God but lock your car.
29. A loving atmosphere in your home is so important. Do all you can to create a tranquil harmonious home.
30. In disagreements with loved ones, deal with the current situation. Don't bring up the past.
31. Read between the lines.
32. Share your knowledge. It's a way to achieve immortality.
33. Be gentle with the earth.
34. Pray. There's immeasurable power in it.
35. Never interrupt when you are being flattered.
36. Mind your own business.
37. Don't trust a man/woman who doesn't close his/her eyes when you kiss.
38. Once a year, go someplace you've never been before.
39. If you make a lot of money, put it to use helping others while you are living. That is wealth's greatest satisfaction.
40. Remember that not getting what you want is sometimes a stroke of luck.
41. Learn the rules, then break some.
42. Remember that the best relationship is one where your love for each other is greater than your need for each other.
43. Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.
44. Remember that your character is your destiny.
45. Approach love and cooking with reckless abandon.
46. Excellence is not a gift given, but a skill perfected.
47. Be sure your feet are planted in the right place before you decide to stand firm.
48. When you can think upon yesterday with pride and tommorrow with hope, you can live peacfully today.
49. If you have no shoes, do not worry, there are some people who have no feet.
50. Life is a journey with death as a destinaton, slow down and enjoy the ride!

Pills

After giving the woman a full medical examination, the doctor explained his prescription as he wrote it out. "Take the green pill with a glass of water after getting up. Take the blue pill with a glass of water after lunch. Then, before going to bed, take the red pill with another glass of water."

"Exactly what is my problem, doctor?" the woman asked.

"You're not drinking enough water," he said.

In The Hospital

An older woman called Mount Sinai Hospital. She said, "Mount Sinai Hospital? Hello. Dollink, I'd like to talk with the person who gives the information about the patients. But I don't want to know if the patient is better or doing like expected, or worse, I want all the information from top to bottom, from A to Z."

The voice on the other end of the line said, "Would you hold the line, please, that's a very unusual request."

Then a very authoritative voice came on and said, "Are you the lady who is calling about one of the patients?"

She said, "Yes, dollink! I'd like to know the information about Sarah Finkel, in Room 302." He said, "Finkel. Finkel. Let me see. Feinberg, Farber--Finkel.Oh yes. Mrs.Finkel is doing very well. In fact, she's had two full meals, her blood pressure is fine, and if she continues this way, her doctor is going to send her home on Tuesday at twelve o'clock."

The woman said,"Thank God! That's wonderful! She's going home at twelve o'clock! I'm so happy to hear that. That's wonderful news."

The guy on the other end said, "From your enthusiasm, I take it you must be one of the close family."

She said, "What close family? I'm Sarah Finkel! My doctor doesn't tell me anything!"

Deepest Thoughts

"THE STREETS ARE SAFE IN PHILADELPHIA. IT'S ONLY THE PEOPLE THAT MAKE THEM UNSAFE." - Former Philadelphia Mayor and Police Chief Frank Rizzo

"IT IS BAD LUCK TO BE SUPERSTITIOUS." - Andrew Mathis

"IT'S LIKE AN ALCATRAZ AROUND MY NECK." - Boston mayor Menino on the shortage of city parking spaces

"THEY'RE MULTIPURPOSE. NOT ONLY DO THEY PUT THE CLIPS ON, BUT THEY TAKE THEM OFF." - Pratt & Whitney spokesperson explaining why the company charged the Air Force nearly $1,000 for an ordinary pair of pliers

"WE'RE GOING TO TURN THIS TEAM AROUND 360 DEGREES." - Jason Kidd, upon his drafting to the Dallas Mavericks

"WHEN MORE AND MORE PEOPLE ARE THROWN OUT OF WORK, UNEMPLOYMENT RESULTS." - Former U.S. President Calvin Coolidge

"CHINA IS A BIG COUNTRY, INHABITED BY MANY CHINESE." - Former French President Charles de Gaulle

"THAT LOWDOWN SCOUNDREL DESERVES TO BE KICKED TO DEATH BY A JACKASS, AND I'M JUST THE ONE TO DO IT." - A congressional candidate in Texas

"THINGS ARE MORE LIKE THEY ARE NOW THAN THEY EVER WERE BEFORE." - Former U.S. President Dwight D. Eisenhower

"A BILLION HERE, A BILLION THERE-SOONER OR LATER IT ADDS UP TO REAL MONEY." - Everett Dirksen

"I DON'T FEEL WE DID WRONG IN TAKING THIS GREAT COUNTRY AWAY FROM THEM. THERE WERE GREAT NUMBERS OF PEOPLE WHO NEEDED NEW LAND, AND THE INDIANS WERE SELFISHLY TRYING TO KEEP IT FOR THEMSELVES." - John Wayne

"HALF THIS GAME IS NINETY PERCENT MENTAL." - Philadelphia Phillies manager Danny Ozark

"WITHOUT CENSORSHIP, THINGS CAN GET TERRIBLY CONFUSED IN THE PUBLIC MIND." - General William Westmoreland, during the war in Vietnam

"IF YOU LET THAT SORT OF THING GO ON, YOUR BREAD AND BUTTER WILL BE CUT RIGHT OUT FROM UNDER YOUR FEET."
-Former British foreign minister Ernest Bevin

"SMOKING KILLS. AND IF YOU'RE KILLED, YOU'VE LOST A VERY IMPORTANT PART OF YOUR LIFE." - Brooke Shields

"THE PRESIDENT HAS KEPT ALL OF THE PROMISES HE INTENDED TO KEEP." - Clinton aide George Stephanopolous speaking on "Larry King Live"

"THE POLICE ARE NOT HERE TO CREATE DISORDER. THEY'RE HERE TO PRESERVE DISORDER." - Former Chicago mayor Daley during the infamous 1968 Democratic convention

"IF YOU'VE SEEN ONE REDWOOD TREE, YOU'VE SEEN THEM ALL." - Forestry expert Ronald Reagan

"TRADITIONALLY, MOST OF AUSTRALIA'S IMPORTS COME FROM OVERSEAS." - Former Australian cabinet minister Keppel Enderbery

Words To The Wise

1.) I STARTED out with nothing....I still have most of it.

2.) When did my wild oats turn to prunes and All Bran?

3.) I finally got my head together, now my body is falling apart.

4.) Funny, I don't remember being absent minded.

5.) All reports are in. Life is now officially unfair.

6.) If all is not lost, where is it?

7.) It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.

8.) If at first you DO succeed, try not to look too astonished.

9.) The first rule of holes: If you are in one, stop digging.

10.) I tried to get a life once, but they were out of stock.

11.) I went to school to become a wit, only got halfway through..

12.) It was all so different before everything changed.

13.) Some days you're the dog, some days you're the hydrant.

14.) Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

15.) A day without sunshine is like a day in Seattle.

16.) I wish the buck stopped here. I could use a few...

17.) Kids in the back seat cause accidents; accidents in the back seat cause kids.

18.) It's not the pace of life that concerns me, it's the sudden stop at the end.

19.) It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.

20.) Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun.

21.) The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.

22.) If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.

23.) Never knock on Death's door: ring the doorbell and run (he hates that).

25.) A closed mouth gathers no feet.

26.) Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

27.) The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

Quotes

If you don't go to other men's funerals, they won't go to yours. --Clarence Day

I stopped believing in Santa Claus when my mother took me to see him in a department store, and he asked for my autograph. --Shirley Temple

It is difficult to produce a television documentary that is both incisive and probing, when every twelve minutes one is interrupted by twelve dancing rabbits singing about toilet paper. --Rod Serling

Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, there is a woman giving birth to a child. She must be found and stopped. --Sam Levenson (1911-1980)

The brain is a wonderful organ. It starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get into the office. --Robert Frost

The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is that they have a common enemy. --Sam Levenson

Fall is my favorite season in Los Angeles, watching the birds change color and fall from the trees. --David Letterman

I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by. --Douglas Adams

This isn't right. This isn't even wrong. --Wolfgang Pauli, on a paper submitted by a physicist colleague

You can go a long way with a smile. You can go a lot farther with a smile and a gun. --Al Capone

Today you can go to a gas station and find the cash register open and the toilets locked. They must think toilet paper is worth more than money.--Joey Bishop

The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate it. --Franklin P. Jones

Red meat is NOT bad for you. Now blue-green meat, THAT'S bad for you! --Tommy Smothers

I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something. --Jackie Mason

When you go into court you are putting your fate into the hands of twelve people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty. --Norm Crosby

We must believe in luck. For how else can we explain the success of those we don't like?--Jean Cocturan

The imaginary friends I had as a kid dropped me because their friends thought I didn't exist. --Aaron Machado

The reason there are two senators for each state is so that one can be the designated driver. --Jay Leno

It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper. --Jerry Seinfeld

If it were not for Thomas Edison, we would all be watching television in the dark. --Michael Landon

Always and never are two words you should always remember never to use. --Wendell Johnson

It matters not whether you win or lose; what matters is whether I win or lose.--Darrin Weinberg

Remember that as a teenager you are in the last stage of your life when you will be happy to hear that the phone is for you. --Fran Lebowitz

The genius of you Americans is that you never make clear-cut stupid moves, only complicated stupid moves, which make us wonder at the possibility that there may be something to them we are missing. --Gamel Abdel Nasser

Maybe this world is another planet's hell. --Aldous Huxley

It ain't so much the things you don't know that get you in trouble. It's the things you know that just ain't so. -- Artimus Ward, 1834-1867

Put another way: You can always spot a well informed man - his views are the same as yours. -- Ilka Chase

A Difference

In Maine they tell of an old man walking along the beach with his grandson, who picked up each starfish they passed and threw it back into the sea.

"If I left them up here," the boy said, "they would dry up and die. I'm saving their lives."

"But," protested the old man, "the beach goes on for miles, and there are millions of starfish. What you are doing won't make any difference." They boy looked at the starfish in his hand, gently threw it into the ocean, and answered: "It makes a difference to this one."

Prayer

One Sunday in a midwest city a young child was "acting up" during
the morning worship hour. The parents did their best to maintain
some sense of order in the pew but were losing the battle.
Finally the father picked the little fellow up and walked sternly
up the aisle on his way out. Just before reaching the safety of
the foyer the little one called loudly to the congregation, "Pray
for me! Pray for me!"
####
A daddy was listening to his child say his prayer "Dear Harold".
At this, dad interrupted and said, "Wait a minute, "How come you
called God, "Harold"? The little boy looked up and said, "That's
what they call Him in church. You know the prayer we say, "Our
Father, who art in Heaven, Harold be Thy name."
####
And this particular four-year-old prayed: "And forgive us our
trash baskets as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets."
####
During the minister's prayer one Sunday, there was a loud whistle
from one of the back pews. Gary's mother was horrified. She
pinched him into silence, and after church, asked: "Gary,
whatever made you do such a thing?" Gary answered soberly: "I
asked God to teach me to whistle...And He just then did!"
####
One night Mike's parents overheard this prayer. "Now I lay me
down to rest, and hope to pass tomorrow's test, if I should die
before I wake, that's one less test I have to take."
####
A five-year-old said grace at family dinner one night. "Dear God,
thank you for these pancakes." When he concluded, his parents
asked him why he thanked God for pancakes when they were having chicken.
He smiled and said, "I thought I'd see if He was paying attention tonight."
####
A little boy's prayer. "Dear God, please take care of my daddy
and my mommy and my sister and my brother and my doggy and me.
Oh, please take care of yourself, God. If anything happens to
you, we're gonna be in a big mess."
####
A rabbi said to a precocious six-year-old boy: "So your mother
says your prayers for you each night? Very commendable. What does
she say?" The little boy replied, "Thank God he's in bed!"
####
A woman invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned
to her six- year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say
the blessing?" "I wouldn't know what to say," the little girl replied.
"Just say what you hear Mommy say," the mother said. The
little girl bowed her head and said, "Dear Lord, why on earth did
I invite all these people to dinner?"
####
Johnny had been misbehaving and was sent to his room. After a
while he emerged and informed his mother that he had thought it
over and then said a prayer. "Fine," said the pleased mother.
"If you ask God to help you not misbehave, He will help you."
"Oh, I didn't ask Him to help me not misbehave," said Johnny. "I
asked Him to help you put up with me."
####
A little boy was overheard praying: "Lord, if You can't make me a
better boy, don't worry about it. I'm having a real good time
like I am!"

A Collection Of Humor

Mr. Smith was brought to Mercy Hospital (a Catholic hospital), and taken quickly in for coronary surgery. The operation went well and, as the groggy man regained consciousness, he was reassured by a Sister of Mercy, who was waiting by his bed.

"Mr. Smith, you're going to be just fine," said the nun, gently patting his hand. "We do need to know, however, how you intend to pay for your stay here. Are you covered by insurance?"

"No, I'm not," the man whispered hoarsely.

"Then can you pay in cash?" persisted the nun.

"I'm afraid I cannot, Sister."

"Well, do you have any close relatives?" the nun questioned sternly.

"Just my sister in New Mexico," he volunteered. "But she's a humble spinster nun."

"Oh, I must correct you, Mr. Smith. Nuns are not spinsters - they are married to God."

"Wonderful," said Mr. Smith. "In that case, please send the bill to my brother-in-law."

####

An airline captain was breaking in a very pretty new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a stay-over in another city. Upon their arrival the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.

The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened to her.

She answered the phone, crying, and said she couldn't get out of her room.

"You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?"

The stewardess replied, "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"

####

The Insurance Policy:

Rex's barn burned down and his wife, Susan, called the insurance company.

Susan told the insurance company, "We had that barn insured for fifty- thousand and I want my money."

The agent replied, "Whoa there, just a minute, Susan. Insurance doesn't work quite like that. We will ascertain the value of what was insured and provide you with a new one of comparable worth."

There was a long pause before Susan replied, "Then I'd like to cancel the policy on my husband."

####

At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings.

Little Johnny a child in the kindergarten class, seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs.

Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and said, "Johnny what is the matter?"

Little Johnny responded, "I have a pain in my side. I think I'm going
have a wife."

Computer Jargon and Corporate Jargon--Explained!

When I went to college in the 1980's, I heard a lot of words
like "data input" and "beta version." They confused me. I
wanted desperately to know what people were talking about,
what Big Secret resided in the computer industry.

Now that I've worked in a computer company for the last few
years, I've gained an insider's perspective. I decided to
share my knowledge with the uninitiated by creating the
following brief, handy glossary: Alpha. Software undergoes
alpha testing as a first step in getting user feedback.
Alpha is Latin for "doesn't work."

Beta.
-----
Software undergoes beta testing shortly before it's
released. Beta is Latin for "still doesn't work."

Computer.
---------
Instrument of torture. The first computer was invented by
Roger "Duffy" Billingsly, a British scientist. In a plot to
overthrow Adolf Hitler, Duffy disguised himself as a German
ally and offered his invention as a gift to the surly
dictator. The plot worked. On April 8, 1945, Adolf became
so enraged at the "Incompatible File Format" error message
that he shot himself. The war ended soon after Hitler's
death, and Duffy began working for IBM.

CPU.
----
Central propulsion unit. The CPU is the computer's engine.
It consists of a hard drive, an interface card and a tiny
spinning wheel that's powered by a running rodent - a
gerbil if the machine is a old machine, a ferret if it's a
Pentium and a ferret on speed if it's a Pentium II.

Default Directory.
------------------
Black hole. Default directory is where all files that you
need disappear to.

Error message.
--------------
Terse, baffling remark used by programmers to place blame on
users for the program's shortcomings.

File.
-----
A document that has been saved with an unidentifiable name.
It helps to think of a file as something stored in a file
cabinet - except when you try to remove the file, the
cabinet gives you an electric shock and tells you the file
format is unknown.

Hardware.
---------
Collective term for any computer-related object that can be
kicked or battered.

Help.
-----
What we all need. Actually, it is the feature that assists
in generating more questions. When the help feature is used
correctly, users are able to navigate through a series of
Help screens and end up where they started from without
learning anything.

Words

The longest one-syllable words in the English language are "screeched" and "strengths".

All of the clocks in Pulp Fiction are stuck on 4:20.

"Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "mt".

Almonds are members of the peach family.

The symbol on the "pound" key (#) is called an octothorpe.

The dot over the letter 'i' is called a tittle.

Ingrown toenails are hereditary.

The word "set" has more definitions than any other word in the English language.

"Underground" is the only word in the English language that begins and ends with the letters "und."

There are only four words in the English language which end in "-dous": tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous.

The longest word in the English language, according to the Oxford English
Dictionary, is: pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis.

The only other word with the same amount of letters is pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconioses, its plural.

The longest place-name still in use is
Taumatawhakatangihangakoauauotamateaturipukakapikimaungahoronukupokaiwenuakitanatahu, a New Zealand hill.

Los Angeles's full name is "El Pueblo de Nuestra Senora la Reina de los Angeles de Porciuncula" and can be abbreviated to 3.63% of its size, "L.A."

A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur.

In most advertisements, including newspapers, the time displayed on a watch is 10:10.

Alfred Hitchcock didn't have a belly button. It was eliminated when he was sewn up after surgery.

Telly Savalas and Louis Armstrong died on their birthdays.

Donald Duck's middle name is Fauntleroy.

Al Capone's business card said he was a used furniture dealer.

The muzzle of a lion is like a fingerprint - no two lions have the same pattern of whiskers.

A pregnant goldfish is called a twit.

There is a seven letter word in the English language that contains ten words without rearranging any of its letters, "therein": the, there, he, in, rein, her, here, ere, therein, herein.

Dueling is legal in Paraguay as long as both parties are registered blood donors.

John Larroquette of "Night Court" and "The John Larroquette Show" was the narrator of "The Texas Chainsaw Massacre."

The characters Bert and Ernie on Sesame Street were named after Bert the cop and Ernie the taxi driver in Frank Capra's "Its A Wonderful Life"

A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.

It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.

Cranberries are sorted for ripeness by bouncing them; a fully ripened cranberry can be dribbled like a basketball.

The male gypsy moth can "smell" the virgin female gypsy moth from 1.8 miles away.

The letters KGB stand for Komitet Gosudarstvennoy Bezopasnosti.

The name for Oz in the "Wizard of Oz" was thought up when the creator, Frank Baum, looked at his filing cabinet and saw A-N, and O-Z, hence Oz."

The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket.

"Stewardesses" is the longest word that is typed with only the left hand.

The combination "ough" can be pronounced in nine different ways. The following sentence contains them all: "A rough-coated, dough-faced, thoughtful ploughman strode through the streets of Scarborough; after falling into a slough, he coughed and hiccoughed."

The only 15 letter word that can be spelled without repeating a letter is uncopyrightable.

Facetious and abstemious contain all the vowels in the correct order, as does arsenious, meaning "containing arsenic."

Emus and kangaroos cannot walk backwards, and are on the Australian coat of arms for that reason.

Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds, while dogs only have about ten.

The word "Checkmate" in chess comes from the Persian phrase "Shah Mat," which means "the king is dead".

The reason firehouses have circular stairways is from the days of yore when the engines were pulled by horses. The horses were stabled on the ground floor and figured out how to walk up straight staircases.

Speeding And All The Fish

A man was speeding down the highway, feeling
secure in a gaggle of cars all traveling at the same
speed. However, as they passed a speed trap, he
got nailed with an infrared speed detector and was
pulled over.

The officer handed him the citation, received his
signature and was about to walk away when the
man asked, "Officer, I know I was speeding, but I
don't think it's fair - there were plenty of other cars
around me who were going just as fast, so why
did *I* get the ticket?"

"Ever go fishing?" the policeman suddenly asked
the man.

"Ummm, yeah..." the startled man replied.

The officer grinned and added,
"Ever catch *all* the fish?"

Where's The Baby?

For weeks a six-year old lad kept telling his
first-grade teacher about the baby brother or
sister that was expected at his house.

One day the mother allowed the boy to feel the
movements of the unborn child. The six-year
old was obviously impressed, but made no
comment.

Furthermore, he stopped telling his teacher
about the impending event. The teacher finally
sat the boy on her lap and said, "Tommy,
whatever has become of that baby brother or
sister you were expecting at home?"

Tommy burst into tears and confessed,
"I think Mommy ate it!"

Shmily

My grandparents were married for over half a century, and played their own special game from the time they had met each other. The goal of their game was to write the word "shmily" in a surprise place for the other to find. They
took turns leaving "shmily" around the house, and as soon as one of them discovered it, it was their turn to hide it once more.

They dragged "shmily" with their fingers through the sugar and flour containers to await whoever was preparing the next meal. They smeared it in the dew on the windows overlooking the patio where my grandma always fed us warm, homemade pudding with blue food coloring. "Shmily" was written in the steam left on the mirror after a hot shower, where it would reappear bath after bath. At one point, my grandmother even unrolled an entire roll of toilet paper to leave "shmily" on the very last sheet.

There was no end to the places "shmily" would pop up. Little notes with "shmily" scribbled hurriedly were found on dashboards and car seats, or taped to steering wheels. The notes were stuffed inside shoes and left under pillows. "Shmily" was written in the dust upon the mantel and traced in the ashes of the fireplace. This mysterious word was as much a part of my grandparents' house as the furniture.

It took me a long time before I was able to fully appreciate my grandparents' game. Skepticism has kept me from believing in true love-one that is pure and enduring. However, I never doubted my grandparents' relationship. They
had love down pat. It was more than their flirtatious little games; it was a way of life. Their relationship was based on a devotion and passionate affection which not everyone is lucky experience.

Grandma and Grandpa held hands every chance they could. They stole kisses as they bumped into each other in their tiny kitchen. They finished each other's sentences and shared the daily crossword puzzle and word jumble. My grandma whispered to me about how cute my grandpa was, how handsome and old he had grown to be. She claimed that she really knew "how to pick 'em."

Before every meal they bowed their heads and gave thanks, marveling at their blessings: a wonderful family, good fortune, and each other.

But there was a dark cloud in my grandparents' life: my grandmother had breast cancer. The disease had first appeared ten years earlier. As always, Grandpa was with her every step of the way. He comforted her in their yellow room, painted that way so that she could always be surrounded by sunshine, even when she was too sick to go outside.

Now the cancer was again attacking her body. With the help of a cane and my grandfather's steady hand, they went to church every morning. But my grandmother grew steadily weaker until, finally, she could not leave the house anymore. For a while, Grandpa would go to church alone, praying to God to watch over his wife. Then one day, what we all dreaded finally happened. Grandma was gone.

"Shmily." It was scrawled in yellow on the pink ribbons of my grandmother's funeral bouquet. As the crowd thinned and the last mourners turned to leave, my aunts, uncles, cousins and other family members came forward and gathered
around Grandma one last time. Grandpa stepped up to my grandmother's casket and, taking a shaky breath, he began to sing to her. Through his tears and grief, the song came, a deep and throaty lullaby.

Shaking with my own sorrow, I will never forget that moment. For I knew that, although I couldn't begin to fathom the depth of their love, I had been privileged to witness its unmatched beauty.

S-h-m-i-l-y: See How Much I Love You.

Thank you, Grandma and Grandpa, for letting me see.

Eating Out

Remember when eating out was a relaxing experience? Someone else
cooked for you, served you and cleaned up after you. All you had
to do was chew, swallow and pay. No longer, though. Today, you
feel like a laboratory rat who has to struggle through a maze
every time it wants a chunk of cheese:

"Good evening," the maitre d' said. "Table for four?"

"Yes, Thank you."

"Smoking or non?"

"Non smoking."

"Would you prefer to dine indoors or outdoors this evening?"

"I guess indoors would be good."

"Very well, sir," he said. "Would you like to be seated
in the main dining room, the enclosed patio, or our lovely
solarium?"

"Uh, let me see...uh..."

"I can give you a table with a lovely view in our lovely
solarium."

"I think the solarium would be lovely," I said.

We followed him there...

"Now, would you prefer a view overlooking the golf course,
the sunset on the lake or the majestic mountains to the West?"

"Whatever you recommend," I said.

Let HIM make a decision for a change, I thought.

He sat us by a window facing the golf course, lake or mountains.
I couldn't tell which because it was dark outside.

Then, a young man, better dressed and better looking than
any of us, presented himself at our table...

"Good evening, my name is Paul, and I'll be your waiter this
evening. Would you like a few minutes before I take your order?"

"No," I said. "I'm just a meat-and-potatoes guy, so I'll
have the filet mignon and a baked potato."

"Soup, or salad?"

"Salad."

"We have a mixed-green salad, hearts of palm, or a very fine
endive salad with baby shrimp."

"Just a mixed-green salad, okay?"

"Whatever you say, sir. Dressing?"

I didn't want to make another decision...

"Whatever you've got will be fine."

"We have Creamy Italian, Blue Cheese, Vinaigrette, Thousand
Island, Honey Dijon and Ranch."

"Just bring me one. Surprise me."

"Creamy Italian is our house specialty. Would that be
all right, sir?"

"Yeah."

I was curt. I was done with civility.

"And for your baked potato?"

I knew what was coming!

"I just want the baked potato dry, you understand?
I don't want anything on it."

"No butter? No sour cream?"

"No."

"No chives? No bacon chips ? "

"No! Don't you understand English? I don't want anything
on it. Just bring me a baked potato and a steak."

"Would you prefer the six, eight, or 12-ounce steak, sir?"

"Whatever."

"Would you like that rare, medium rare, medium, medium
well or well done? Or, if you prefer, we can butterfly
it for you."

"Pauly Boy," I said, "you are really starting to get me steamed."

"Which brings up the vegetables, sir. Would you like steamed
broccoli, creamed corn, sauteed zucchini, or diced carrots?"

That did it. I threw my napkin to the floor, stood up, put
my face right in his arrogant kisser and said, "How'd you
like to settle this outside?"

"Fine with me, sir. Would you prefer the parking lot, the
side alley or the street in front of the restaurant?"

"I prefer right here."

Then I sucker-punched him: he ducked, then countered with
a left hook right under my eye. It was the first time all night
he hadn't offered me a selection.

I collapsed semiconscious into my chair, as someone in authority
rushed over and berated Pauly.

I felt my tie being loosened, my collar unbuttoned, hands
slapping my face.

When I regained my senses, I saw the very concerned
maitre d' right in front of my nose.

He apologized and offered to buy me a drink, call the paramedics,
whatever I wanted.

"No, no," I said. "I'll be all right. Just bring me a
glass of water."

"Yes, sir, right away," he said.

"Would you prefer imported mineral water, sparkling water,
or club soda with a wedge of lime?

Preacher

A parish priest was being honored at a dinner on the twenty-fifth anniversary of his arrival in that parish. A leading local politician, who was a member of the congregation, was chosen to make the presentation and give a little speech at the dinner, but he was delayed in traffic, so the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited.

"You will understand," he said, "the seal of the confessional, can never be broken. However, I got my first impressions of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I can only hint vaguely about this, but when I came here twenty-five years ago I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first chap who entered my confessional told me how he had stolen a television set, and when stopped by the police, had almost murdered the officer. Further, he told me he had embezzled money from his place of business and had an affair with his boss's wife. I was appalled.

But as the days went on I knew that my people were not all like that, and I had, indeed come to, a fine parish full of understanding and loving people."

Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and give his talk.

"I'll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived in this parish," said the politician. "In fact, I had the honor of being the first one to go to him in confession."

Motto: Don't Ever Be Late

A.S.A.P.

Ever wonder about the abbreviation A.S.A.P.?

Generally we think of it in terms of even more hurry and stress in our lives. (As Soon As Possible)

If we think of this abbreviation in a different manner, we may begin to find a new way to deal with our rough times.

A. S. A. P.

Always Say A Prayer!

Random Observations

The early bird still has to eat worms.

I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!

The worst thing about accidents in the kitchen is eating them.

Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference.

Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over?

Stress is when you wake up screaming and then you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.

My wife says I never listen to her. At least I think that's what she said.

Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.

Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but they can in prison?

If raising children was going to be easy, it never would have started with something called labor!

Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.

Geriatric Humor

While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch. They left the restaurant, after finishing their meal. The elderly woman left her glasses on the table, but she didn't miss them, until they were back on the road. By then, they had to travel quite a distance, before they could find a place to turn around.

The grouchy old man fussed and complained all the way back to the restaurant. He just wouldn't let up one minute. When they finally arrived at the restaurant, as the woman got out of the car to retrieve her glasses, the geezer yelled to her: ....."While you're in there, you might as well get my hat."

Want To Be A Navy Pilot?

This guy writes for Sports Illustrated.

On a Wing and a Prayer by Rick Reilly

Now this message for America's most famous athletes: Someday you may be invited to fly in the back-seat of one of your country's most powerful fighter jets. Many of you already have -- John Elway, John Stockton, Tiger Woods to name a few. If you get this opportunity, let me urge you, with the greatest sincerity....

Move to Guam. Change your name. Fake your own death.

Whatever you do, do not go. I know.

The U.S. Navy invited me to try it. I was thrilled. I was pumped. I was toast!

I should've known when they told me my pilot would be Chip (Biff) King of fighter Squadron 213 at Naval Air Station Oceana in Virginia Beach. Whatever you're thinking a Top Gun named Chip (Biff) King looks like, triple it. He's about six-foot, tan, ice-blue eyes, wavy surfer hair, finger-crippling handshake -- the kind of man who wrestles dyspeptic alligators in his leisure time. If you see this man, run the other way. Fast. Biff King was born to fly. His father, Jack King, was for years the voice of NASA missions. ("T-minus 15 seconds and counting...." Remember?). Chip would charge neighborhood kids a quarter each to hear his dad. Jack would wake up from naps surrounded by nine-year-olds waiting for him to say, "We have a liftoff."

Biff was to fly me in an F-14D Tomcat, a ridiculously powerful $60 million weapon with nearly as much thrust as weight, not unlike Colin Montgomerie. I was worried about getting airsick, so the night before the flight I asked Biff if there was something I should eat the next morning. "Bananas," he said. "For the potassium?" I asked. "No," Biff said, "because they taste about the same coming up as they do going down."

The next morning, out on the tarmac, I had on my flight suit with my name sewn over the left breast. (No call sign -- like Crash or Sticky or Leadfoot - but, still, very cool.) I carried my helmet in the crook of my arm, as Biff had instructed. If ever in my life I had a chance to nail Nicole Kidman, that was it.

A fighter pilot named Psycho gave me a safety briefing and then fastened me into my ejection seat, which, when employed, would "egress" me out of the plane at such a velocity that I would be immediately knocked unconscious from the G-forces. Just as I was thinking about aborting the flight, the canopy closed over me, and Biff gave the ground crew a thumbs-up. In minutes we were firing nose up at 600 mph. We leveled out and then canopy-rolled over another F-14. Those 20 minutes were the rush of my life.

Unfortunately, the ride lasted 80 minutes. It was like being on the roller coaster at Six Flags. Only without rails. We did barrel rolls, snap rolls, loops, yanks and banks. We dived, rose and dived again, sometimes with a vertical velocity of 10,000 feet per minute. We chased another F-14, and it chased us. We broke the speed of sound. Sea was sky and sky was sea. Flying at 200 feet we did 90-degree turns at 550 mph, creating a G-force of 6.5, which is to say I felt as if 6.5 times my body weight was smashing against me.

And I egressed the bananas. I egressed the pizza from the night before. And the lunch before that. I egressed a box of Milk Duds from the sixth grade. I made Linda Blair look polite. Because of the G's, I was egressing stuff that did not even want to be egressed. I went through not one airsick bag, but two. Biff said I passed out. Twice. I was coated in sweat. At one point, as we were coming in upside down in a banked curve on a mock bombing target and the G's were flattening me like a tortilla and I was in and out of consciousness, I realized I was the first person in history to throw down.

I used to know cool. Cool was Elway throwing a touchdown pass, or Norman making a five-iron bite. But now I really know cool. Cool is guys like Biff, men with cast-iron stomachs and Freon nerves. I wouldn't go up there again for Derek Jeter's black book, but I'm glad Biff does every day, and for less a year than a rookie reliever makes in a home stand.

A week later, when the spins finally stopped, Biff called. He said he and the fighter pilots had the perfect call sign for me. Said he'd send it on a patch for my flight suit.

What is it? I asked.

. . .

"Two Bags."

The Unsolicited Phone Call

I was at home the other night in the middle of my dinner when the phone rang.

ME: Hello.

AT&T: Hello, this is AT&T ...

ME: Is this AT&T?

AT&T: Yes, this is AT&T ....

ME: This is AT&T?

AT&T: Yes, this is AT&T ....

ME: Is this AT&T?

AT&T: Yes! This is AT&T, may I speak to Mr. Byron, please?

ME: May I ask who is calling?

AT&T: This is AT&T.

ME: Ok, hold on.

At this point I put the phone down for a solid 5 minutes thinking that, surely, this person would have hung up the phone. I ate my salad. Much to my surprise, when I picked up the receiver, they were still waiting.

ME: Hello?

AT&T: Is this Mr. Byron?

ME: May I ask who is calling, please?

AT&T: Yes, this is AT&T ...

ME: This is AT&T?

AT&T: Yes, this is AT&T ...

ME: The phone company?

AT&T: Yes, sir.

ME: I thought you said this was AT&T.

AT&T: Yes, sir, we are a phone company.

ME: I already have a phone.

AT&T: We aren't selling phones today, Mr. Byron. We would like to offer you 10 cents a minute, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year.

ME: Now, that's 10 cents a minute, 24 hours a day?

AT&T: (getting a little excited at this point by my interest) Yes, sir, that's right! 24 hours a day!

ME: 7 days a week?

AT&T: That's right.

ME: 365 days a year?

AT&T: Yes, sir.

ME: I am definitely interested in that! Wow!!! That's amazing!

AT&T: We think so!

ME: That's quite a sum of money!

AT&T: Yes, sir, it's amazing how it adds up.

ME: Ok, so will you send me checks weekly, monthly or just one big one at the end of the year for the full $52,560; and if you send an annual check, can I get a cash advance?

AT&T: Excuse me?

ME: You know, the 10 cents a minute.

AT&T: What are you talking about?

ME: You said you'd give me 10 cents a minute, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year. That comes to $144 per day, $1008 per week and $52,560 per year. I'm just interested in knowing how you will be making payment.

AT&T: Oh, no, sir. I didn't mean we'd be paying you. You pay us 10 cents a minute.

ME: Wait a minute, how do you figure that by saying that you'll give me 10 cents a minute, that I'll give YOU 10 cents a minute? Is this some kind of subliminal telemarketing scheme.? I've read about things like this in the Enquirer, you know.

AT&T: No, sir, we are offering 10 cents a minute for ...

ME: THERE YOU GO AGAIN! Can I speak to a supervisor please?

AT&T: Sir, I don't think that is necessary.

ME: I insist on speaking to a supervisor!

AT&T: Yes, Mr. Byron. Please hold.

At this point, I begin trying to finish my dinner.

SUPERVISOR: Mr. Byron?

ME: Yeth?

SUPERVISOR: I understand you are not quite understanding our 10 cents a minute program.

ME: Is This AT&T?

SUPERVISOR: Yes, sir, it sure is.

ME: (I had to swallow before I choked on my food. It was all I could do to suppress my laughter and I had to be careful not to produce a snort.) No, actually, I was just waiting for someone to get back to me so that I could sign up for the plan.

SUPERVISOR: Ok, no problem, I'll transfer you back to the person who was helping you.

ME: Thank you.

I was on hold once again and managed a few more mouthfuls. I need to end this conversation. Suddenly, there was an aggravated but polite voice at the other end of the phone.

AT&T: Hello, Mr. Byron, I understand that you are interested in signing up for our plan?

ME: No, but I was wondering - do you have that "Friends and Family" thing because I'm an only child and I'd really like to have a little brother...

AT&T: click...

Simple Wisdom

One evening an old Cherokee told his grandson about a battle that was going on inside himself. The old Cherokee said, "My son, it is a battle between two wolves.

One is evil: anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority and ego...

The other is good: joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion and faith..."

The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather, "Which wolf wins?"

The old Cherokee replied simply, "The one I feed."

Home Remedies

Drinking two glasses of Gatorade can relieve headache pain almost
immediately - without the unpleasant side effects caused by
traditional pain relievers.

Did you know that Colgate toothpaste makes an excellent salve for
burns?

Before you head to the drugstore for a high-priced inhaler filled
with mysterious chemicals, try chewing on a couple of curiously
strong Altoids peppermints. They'll clear up your stuffed nose.

Achy muscles from a bout of the flu? Mix 1 Tablespoon of horseradish
in 1/2 cup of olive oil. Let the mixture sit for 30 minutes, then
apply it as a massage oil for instant relief for aching muscles.

Sore Throat? Just mix 1/4 cup of vinegar with 1/4 cup of honey and
take 1 Tablespoon six times a day. The vinegar kills the bacteria.

Cure urinary tract infections with alka-seltzer. Just dissolve two
tablets in a glass of water and drink it at the onset of the symptoms.
Alka-Seltzer begins eliminating urinary tract infections almost
instantly - even though the product was never been advertised for
this use.

Eliminate puffiness under your eyes by dabbing Preparation H carefully
rubbed into the skin around the eyes but avoiding the eyes. The
hemorrhoid ointment acts as a vasoconstrictor, relieving the puffiness
instantly.

Honey remedy for skin blemishes -- cover the blemish with a dab of
honey and place a band-aid over it. Honey kills the bacteria, keeps the
skin sterile, and speeds healing. Works overnight.

Listerine therpy for toenail fungus -- get rid of unsightly toenail
fungus by soaking your toes in Listerine mouthwash. The powerful
antiseptic leaves your toenails looking healthy again.

Easy eyeglass protection -- to prevent the screws in eyeglasses from
loosening, apply a small drop of Maybelline Crystal Clear nail polish
to the threads of the screws before tightening them.

Coca-Cola cure for rust -- forget those expensive rust removers. Just
saturate an abrasive sponge with Coca Cola and scrub the rust stain.
The phosphoric acid in the coke is what gets the job done.

Cleaning liquid that doubles as bug killer -- if menacing bees, wasps,
hornets, or yellow jackets get in your home, and you can't find the
insecticide, try a spray of Formula 409. Insects drop to the ground
instantly.

Smart splinter remover -- just pour a drop of Elmers Glue-All over the
splinter, let dry, and peel the dried glue off the skin. The splinter
sticks to the dried glue.

Hunt's tomato paste boil cure -- cover the boil with Hunt's tomato paste
as a compress. The acids from the tomatoes soothe the pain and bring the
boil to a head.

Balm for broken blisters -- to disinfect a broken blister, dab on a few
drops of Listerine....a powerful antiseptic.

Heinz vinegar to heal bruises -- soak a cotton ball in white vinegar and
apply it to the bruise for one hour. The vinegar reduces the blueness
and speeds up the healing process.

Kill fleas instantly -- Dawn dishwashing liquid does the trick. Add a few
drops to your dog's bath and shampoo the animal thoroughly. Rinse well to
avoid skin irritations. Goodbye fleas.

Rainy day cure for dog odor -- next time your dog comes in from the rain,
simply wipe down the animal with Bounce or any dryer sheet, instantly
making your dog smell springtime fresh. (I don't know about this one--dogs have such a keen sense of smell, I'd hate to force the sickly sweet scent on them. Toni)

Eliminate ear mites -- all it takes is a few drops of corn oil in your
cat's ear. Massage it in, then clean with a cotton ball. Repeat daily for
three days. The oil soothes the cat's skin, smothers the mites, and
accelerates healing.

Vaseline cure for hairballs -- to prevent troublesome hairballs, apply a
dollop of vaseline petroleum jelly to your cat's nose. The cat will lick
off the jelly, lubricating any hair in its stomach so it can pass easily
through the digestive system.

Quaker Oats for fast pain relief from arthritis -- it's not for breakfast
anymore! Mix two cups of instant Quaker Oats and one cup of water in a bowl
and warm in the microwave for one minute. Cool slightly and apply the
mixture to your hands for soothing relief from arthritis.

The Old Phone

When I was quite young, my father had one of the first telephones in our neighborhood. I remember the polished, old case fastened to the wall. The shiny receiver hung on the side of the box. I was too little to reach the telephone, but used to listen with fascination when my mother talked to it.

Then I discovered that somewhere inside the wonderful device lived an amazing person. Her name was "Information Please" and there was nothing she did not know. "Information Please" could supply anyone's number and the correct time. My personal experience with the genie-in-a-bottle came one day while my mother was visiting a neighbor. Amusing myself at the tool bench in the basement, I whacked my finger with a hammer, the pain was terrible, but there seemed no point in crying because there was no one home to give sympathy. I walked around the house sucking my throbbing finger, finally arriving at the stairway. The telephone! Quickly, I ran for the footstool in the parlor and dragged it to the landing.

Climbing up, I unhooked the receiver in the parlor and held it to my ear. "Information, please" I said into the mouthpiece just above my head. A click or two and a small clear voice spoke into my ear. "Information." "I hurt my finger..." I wailed into the phone, the tears came readily enough now that I had an audience.

"Isn't your mother home?" came the question.

"Nobody's home but me," I blubbered.

"Are you bleeding?" the voice asked.

"No," I replied. "I hit my finger with the hammer and it hurts."

"Can you open the icebox?" she asked. I said I could. "Then chip off a little bit of ice and hold it to your finger," said the voice.

After that, I called "Information Please" for everything. I asked her for help with my geography, and she told me where
Philadelphia was. She helped me with my math. She told me my pet chipmunk that I had caught in the park just the day before, would eat fruit and nuts.

Then, there was the time Petey, our pet canary, died. I called, "Information Please," and told her the sad story. She listened, and then said things grown-ups say to soothe a child. But I was not consoled. I asked her, "Why is it that birds should sing so beautifully and bring joy to all families, only to end up as a heap of feathers on the bottom of a cage?" She must have sensed my deep concern, for she said quietly, "Paul, always remember that there are other worlds to sing in." Somehow I felt better.

Another day I was on the telephone, "Information Please."

"Information," said in the now familiar voice.

"How do I spell fix?" I asked.

All this took place in a small town in the Pacific Northwest.

When I was nine years old, we moved across the country to Boston.

I missed my friend very much. "Information Please" belonged in that old wooden box back home and I somehow never thought of trying the shiny new phone that sat on the table in the hall. As I grew into my teens, the memories of those childhood
conversations never really left me. Often, in moments of doubt and perplexity I would recall the serene sense of security I had then. I appreciated now how patient, understanding, and kind she was to have spent her time on a little boy.

A few years later, on my way west to college, my plane put down in Seattle. I had about a half-hour or so between planes. I spent 15 minutes or so on the phone with my sister, who lived there now. Then without thinking what I was doing, I dialed my hometown operator and said, "Information Please." Miraculously, I heard the small, clear voice I knew so well. "Information."

I hadn't planned this, but I heard myself saying, "Could you please tell me how to spell fix?"
There was a long pause. Then came the soft spoken answer, "I guess your finger must have healed by now." I laughed, "So it's really you," I said. "I wonder if you have any idea how much you meant to me during that time?"

"I wonder," she said, "if you know how much your call meant to me. I never had any children and I used to look forward to your calls."

I told her how often I had thought of her over the years and I asked if I could call her again when I came back to visit my sister. "Please do", she said. "Just ask for Sally."

Three months later I was back in Seattle. A different voice answered, "Information." I asked for Sally. "Are you a friend?" she said.

"Yes, a very old friend," I answered.

"I'm sorry to have to tell you this," she said. "Sally had been working part-time the last few years because she was sick. She died five weeks ago." Before I could hang up she said, "Wait a minute, did you say your name was Paul?" "Yes." I answered. "Well, Sally left a message for you. She wrote it down in case you called. Let me read it to you." The note said, "Tell him there are other worlds to sing in. He'll know what I mean." I thanked her and hung up. I knew what Sally meant. Never underestimate the impression you may make on others. Whose life have you touched today? Why not pass this on? I just did....

Lifting you on eagle's wings. May you find the joy and peace you long for.

Life is a journey ... NOT a guided tour.

Literate put-downs

"I feel so miserable without you, it's almost like having you here."
- Stephen Bishop

"He is a self-made man & worships his creator."
- John Bright

"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire."
- Winston Churchill

"A modest little person, with much to be modest about."
- Winston Churchill

"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial."
- Irvin S. Cobb

"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure."
- Clarence Darrow

"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary."
- William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)

"Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?"
- Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner)

"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it."
- Moses Hadas

"He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others."
- Samuel Johnson

"He had delusions of adequacy."
- Walter Kerr

"There's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't cure."
- Jack E. Leonard

"He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know."
- Abraham Lincoln

"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it."
- Groucho Marx

"He inherited some good instincts from his Quaker forebears, but by diligent hard work, he overcame them."
- James Reston (about Richard Nixon)

"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily."
- Charles, Count Talleyrand

"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him."
- Forrest Tucker

"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?"
- Mark Twain

"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it."
- Mark Twain

"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork."
- Mae West

"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go."
- Oscar Wilde

"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends."
- Oscar Wilde

"He has Van Gogh's ear for music."
- Billy Wilder

"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support rather than illumination."
- Andrew Lang (1844-1912)

Helpful Housekeeping Hints...

Dirt: Layers of dirty film on windows and screens provide a helpful
filter against harmful and aging rays from the sun. Call it an SPF
factor of 15 and leave it alone.

Cobwebs: Cobwebs artfully draped over lampshades reduce the glare from
the bulb, thereby creating a romantic atmosphere. If your husband
points out that the light fixtures need dusting, simply look confused
and exclaim, "What? And spoil the mood?" (I just throw glitter on them
& call them holiday decorations).

Pet Hair: Explain the mound of pet hair brushed up against the doorways
by claiming you are collecting it there to use for stuffing hand-sewn
play animals for underprivileged children. (Also keeps out cold drafts
in winter).

Guests: If unexpected company is coming, pile everything unsightly into
one room and close the door. As you show your guests through your tidy
home, rattle the door knob vigorously, fake a growl, and say, "I'd love
you to see our den, but Fluffy hates to be disturbed, and the shots are
SO expensive."

Dusting: If dusting is REALLY out of control, simply place a showy urn
on the coffee table and insist, "This is where Grandma wanted us to
scatter her ashes."

Painting: Don't bother repainting. Simply scribble lightly over a dirty
wall with an assortment of crayons and try to muster a glint of tears as
you say, "Junior did this the week before that unspeakable accident, and
I haven't had the heart to clean it."

General Cleaning: Mix one-quarter cup pine-scented household cleaner
with four cups of water in a spray bottle. Mist the air lightly. Leave
dampened rags in conspicuous locations. Develop an exhausted look,
throw yourself on the couch, and sigh, "I clean and I clean, and I still
don't get anywhere."

As a last resort, light the oven, throw a teaspoon of cinnamon in a pie
pan, turn off oven and explain that you have been baking cookies for a
bake sale for a favorite charity and haven't had time to clean...Works
every time.

If the house is clean, the computer has crashed

A SHORT COURSE IN HUMAN RELATIONS
- Author Unknown

The six most important words:
I admit that I was wrong.

The five most important words:
You did a great job.

The four most important words:
What do you think?

The three most important words:
Could you please. . .

The two most important words:
Thank you.

The most important word:
We.

A little lift for the day.

When the heart weeps for what it has lost, the
spirit laughs for what it has found.
- Sufi aphorism

Two men, both seriously ill, occupied the same hospital room.
One man was allowed to sit up in is bed for an hour each afternoon to
help drain the fluid from his lungs. His bed was next to the room's only
window. The other man had to spend all his time flat on his back.

The men talked for hours on end. They spoke of their wives and
families, their homes, their jobs, their involvement in the military
service, where they had been on vacation. And every afternoon when the
man in the bed by the window could sit up, he would pass the time by
describing to his roommate all the things he could see outside
the window. The man in the other bed began to live for those one-hour
periods where his world would be broadened and enlivened by all
the activity and color of the world outside.

The window overlooked a park with a lovely lake. Ducks and swans
played on the water while children sailed their model boats. Young
lovers walked arm in arm amidst flowers of every color of the rainbow.
Grand old trees graced the landscape, and a fine view of the city
skyline could be seen in the distance.

As the man by the window described all this in exquisite detail,
the man on the other side of the room would close his eyes and imagine
the picturesque scene. One warm afternoon the man by the window
described a parade passing by. Although the other man couldn't hear
the band - he could see it in his mind's eye as the gentleman by
the window portrayed it with descriptive words.

Days and weeks passed. One morning, the day nurse arrived to bring
water for their baths only to find the lifeless body of the man by the
window, who had died peacefully in his sleep. She was saddened and
called the hospital attendants to take the body away. As soon as
it seemed appropriate, the other man asked if he could be moved next
to the window. The nurse was happy to make the switch, and after
making sure the man was comfortable, she left him alone.

Slowly, painfully, he propped himself up on one elbow to take
his first look at the world outside. Finally, he would have the joy
of seeing it for himself. He strained to slowly turn to look out the
window beside the bed. It faced a blank wall. The man asked the
nurse what could have happened to the wonderful things outside this
window. The nurse responded that the man was blind and could not even
see the wall. She said,"Perhaps he just wanted to encourage you."

Epilogue. . . .There is tremendous happiness in making others
happy, despite our own situations. Shared grief is half the sorrow,
but happiness when shared, is doubled. If you want to feel rich,
just count all of the things you have that money can't buy.

Memory Loss

Two elderly gentlemen are playing cards on Saturday evening
as they have done for the past 35 years. Max, the older, had
been having problems remembering what cards were what, and
usually needed help from his wife.

At the end of the card game Ed said to Max, "You did very
good tonight. You didn't need any help at all. Why is that?"

Max replied, "Why ever since my wife sent me to that memory
school, I haven't had any problems at all."

"Memory school? What memory school?"

Max thought for a moment, "Oh, what's that flower that's red
with thorns? A really pretty flower...?"

"A rose?"

"Yeah...that's it!" Max turned to his wife and mumbled,
"Hey, Rose! What's the name of that memory school you sent
me to?"

English Is Write Difficult

The King's English Language
I take it you already know
Of tough and bough
and cough and dough?

Others may stumble, but not you
On hiccough, through,
slough and thorough.

Beware of heard, a dreadful word
That looks like beard
and sounds like bird.
And dead: It's said like bed, not bead -
For goodness sake
don't call it deed!

Watch out for meat and great and threat...
They rhyme with suite
and straight and debt.

A moth is not the moth in mother,
Nor both in bother,
nor broth in brother.

And there is not a match for there,
nor dear and fear
for bear and pear,
And then there's dose and rose and lose,
Just look them up -
and goose and choose.

And cork, and work and card and ward,
and font and front
and word and sword,
And do and go, then thwart and cart
Come, come, I've hardly made a start!
A dreadful language? Why sakes alive!
I'd learned to talk it when I was five.
And yet to write it, the more I tried,
I hadn't learned it at fifty-five.

Cats And Dogs

Why Cats are Tiny Women

Cats do what they want, when they want.
They rarely listen to you.
They're totally unpredictable.
They whine when they're not happy.
When you want to play, they want to be left alone.
When you want to be alone, they want to play.
They expect you to cater to their every whim.
They're moody.
They leave their hair everywhere.
They drive you nuts.

Conclusion: Cats are tiny women in cheap fur coats.
=====================================
Why Dogs are Tiny Men

Dogs lie around all day, sprawled on the most comfortable piece of furniture in the house.
They can hear a package of food opening half a block away, but don't hear you when you're in the same room.
They can look dumb and lovable all at the same time.
They growl when they are not happy.
When you want to play, they want to play.
When you want to be alone, they want to play.
They are great at begging.
They will love you forever if you rub their tummies.
They leave their toys everywhere.
They do disgusting things with their mouths and then try to give you a kiss.

Conclusion: They're tiny men in little fur coats.

You Thought...They Felt...

You thought you were happily smiling at your child from a hard stadium seat or a hot packed auditorium,
But your child looked at your face and saw approval of him and joy in what he was doing.

You thought that you were just patting him on the back or on the head, or just ruffling his hair,
But your child cherished the warm loving touch and his heart was brightened.

You thought you were reading a bedtime story with all the funny and scary voices,
But your child enjoyed the fact you read every word even though he had heard them a hundred times before.

You thought you were letting your child help paint the house even though the paint got kind of runny and drippy in places,
But your child knew that you were working together as a family and felt a sense of accomplishment as a family.

You thought you were singing silly songs or counting the cows on a long boring trip,
But your child learned that it was fun being together no matter where you were.

You thought you were spending a few minutes of your time by throwing a ball in the back yard or baking some cookies,
But your child, who realized that your time is precious, knew you were investing it in him.

You thought that you asked your child's opinion about something that wasn't too important,
But your child thought you asked because his opinions and thoughts were important.

You thought you were being a good host by inviting your child's friends in for a cool snack on a warm summer day,
But your child knew that his friends were important to you and always welcome in your home.

You thought the tears in your eyes went unnoticed when your child accomplished an important goal in his life,
But your child knew that he was deeply imbedded in your heart and you sensed his accomplishment.

You thought that the refrigerator was as good of a place as any for hanging all the art work and "well done" papers that came home from school,
But your child felt important when he came home from school each day with something to show you and tack up in his personal hall of fame.

You thought you gave your child some simple chore or job to do and told him,"Well done.", with a smile when he did it,
But your child learned responsibility and began to realize he could tackle even tougher things.

You thought you were helping a troubled restless child get some sleep by fixing a cup of hot cocoa,
But your child felt that you were opening your heart around a kitchen table and making all the problems a lot smaller.

You thought the vacation wasn't much of a success because the fish didn't bite and the sun didn't shine,
But your child still remembers everything that happened and he still laughs at all of the funny parts.

You thought you were just pointing out the words in the church hymn book with your child's finger as he tried to sing along,
But your child learned that singing praises to God in worship was important.

You thought you were just giving him a quick hug at a special moment or "just because",
But your child carried it with him for a long time, because what you really said was, "I'm proud of you!", or "I love you!"

You thought you were just giving him a little kiss on the cheek to tell him good bye as he left for school,
But your child felt warm and loved because he knew there would be another one waiting for him when he got home.

Come to think of it, there are a lot of times when parents really are misunderstood!

George and the Dragon

A poor vagabond, traveling a country road in England, tired and hungry, came to a roadside Inn with a sign reading: "George and the Dragon."

He knocked gently on the door. The Innkeeper's wife stuck her head out a window. "Could ye spare some victuals?" he asked politely.

The woman glanced at his shabby clothes and obviously poor condition. "No!" she said rather sternly.

"Could I just have a pint of ale?"

"No!" she said again.

"Could I at least sleep in your stable?"

"No!" by this time she was fairly shouting.

The vagabond said, "Might I please...?"

"What now?" the woman interrupted impatiently.

"D'ye suppose," he asked, "I might have a word with George?"

London Tube Drivers

A list of actual (?) announcements that LONDON TUBE train DRIVERS have made to their passengers:

"Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologise for the delay to your service. I know you're all dying to get home, unless, of course, you happen to be married to my ex-wife, in which case you'll want to cross over to the Westbound and go in the opposite direction".

"Your delay this evening is caused by the line controller suffering from elbow and backside syndrome, not knowing his elbow from his backside. I'll let you know any further information as soon as I'm given any."

"Do you want the good news first or the bad news? The good news is that last Friday was my birthday and I hit the town and had a great time. The bad news is that there is a points failure somewhere between Stratford and East Ham, which means we probably won't reach our destination."

"Ladies and gentlemen, we apologise for the delay, but there is a security alert at Victoria station and we are therefore stuck here for the foreseeable future, so let's take our minds off it and pass some time together. All together now....'Ten green bottles, hanging on a wall...'".

"We are now travelling through Baker Street, as you can see Baker Street is closed. It would have been nice if they had actually told me, so I could tell you earlier, but no, they don't think about things like that".

Beggars are operating on this train, please do NOT encourage these professional beggars, if you have any spare change, please give it to a registered charity, failing that, give it to me."

During an extremely hot rush hour on the Central Line, the driver announced in a West Indian drawl: "step right this way for the sauna, ladies and gentleman...unfortunately towels are not provided".

"Let the passengers off the train FIRST!" (Pause ...) "Oh go on then, stuff yourselves in like sardines, see if I care...."

"Please allow the doors to close. Try not to confuse this with 'Please hold the doors open'. The two are distinct and separate instructions."

"Please note that the beeping noise coming from the doors means that the doors are about to close. It does not mean throw yourself or your bags into the doors."

"We can't move off because some idiot has their f***ing hand stuck in the door"

"To the gentleman wearing the long grey coat trying to get on the second carriage - what part of 'stand clear of the doors' don't you understand?"

"Please move all baggage away from the doors (Pause...) Please move ALL belongings away from the doors (Pause...) This is a personal message to the man in the brown suit wearing glasses at the rear of the train - put the pie down, four-eyes, and move your bloody golf clubs away from the door before I come down there and shove them up your a**e sideways"

"May I remind all passengers that there is strictly no smoking allowed on any part of the Underground. However, if you are smoking a joint, it's only fair that you pass it round the rest of the carriage"

Sixth Graders

Watch the spelling! Some of the best humor is in the misspelling.

1. Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert. The climate of the Sarah is such that all the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.

2. Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten Commandments. He died before he ever reached Canada.

3. Solomon had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines.

4. The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldn't have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a female moth.

5. Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock. After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline.

6. In the Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled biscuits, and threw the java.

7. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Dying, he gasped out, "Tee hee, Brutus."

8. Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was canonized by Bernard Shaw.

9. Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen." As a queen she was a success. When she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted "hurrah."

10. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented removable type and the Bible. Another important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes and started smoking.

11. Sir Francis Drake circumsized the world with a 100-foot clipper.

12. The greatest writer was William Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couple. Romeo's last wish was to be laid by Juliet.

13. Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.

14. Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin discovered electricity by rubbing two cats backward and declared, "A horse divided against itself cannot stand." Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.

15. Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. Abraham Lincoln signed the Emasculation Proclamation. On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. They believe the assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposingly insane actor. This ruined Booth's career.

16. Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between he practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was half German, half Italian, and half English. He was very large.

17. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.

18. The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and inventions. People stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing by machine. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did the work of a hundred men. Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbits. Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the Organ of the Species. Madman Curie discovered the radio. Karl Marx became one of the Marx Brothers.

Why did God make mothers?

Kids answers to questions in Sunday School:

Why did God make mothers?

1.-She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.
2.-Think about it, it was the best way to get more people.
3.-Mostly to clean the house.
4.-To help us out of there when we were getting born.

How did God make mothers?
1.- He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
2.- Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.
3.- God made my mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts.

Why did God give you your mother and not some other mom?
1.- We're related.
2.- God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's moms like me

What ingredients are mothers made of?
1- God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world and one dab of mean.
2.-They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly use string. I think.

What kind of little girl was your mom?
1.- My mom has always been my mom and none of that other stuff.
2.- I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.
3.- They say she used to be nice.

How did your mom meet your dad?
1.- Mom was working in a store and dad was shoplifting.

What did mom need to know about dad before she married him?
1.- His last name.
2.- She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on beer? Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores.

Why did your mom marry your dad?
1.- My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my mom eats a lot.
2.- She got too old to do anything else with him.
3.- My grandma says that mom didn't have her thinking cap on.

What makes a real woman?
1.- It means you have to be really bossy without looking bossy.

Who's the boss at your house?
1.- Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because dads such a goofball.
2.- Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.
3.- I guess Mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than dad.

What's the difference between moms and dads?
1.- Moms work at work and work at home, and dads just got to work at work.
2.- Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
3.- Dads are taller and stronger, but moms have all the real power 'cause that's who you gotta ask if you want to sleep over at your friend's.

What does your mom do in her spare time?
1.- Mothers don't do spare time.
2.-To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.

What's the difference between moms and grandmas?
1.- About 30 years.
2.- You can always count on grandmothers for candy. Sometimes moms don't even have bread on them!

Describe the world's greatest mom?
1.- She would make broccoli taste like ice cream!
2.- The greatest mom in the world wouldn't make me kiss my fat aunts!
3.- She'd always be smiling and keep her opinions to herself.

Is anything about your mom perfect?
1.- Her teeth are perfect, but she bought them from the dentist.
2.- Her casserole recipes. But we hate them.
3.- Just her children

What would it take to make your mom perfect?
1.- On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery.
2.- Diet. You know, her hair. I'd dye-it, maybe blue.

If you could change one thing about your mom, what would it be?
1.- She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get rid of that.
2.- I'd make my mom smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did it and not me.

WE SEE WHAT WE WANT
by Al Batt

I was going for a walk in the woods with my wife's faithful canine companion, Gus.

Gus loved my wife, The Queen B, and only liked me when I let him ride in my pickup or took him for a walk. This day, he liked me.

The woods were alive with birds, flowers and insects. I was happy to see them all. The mosquitoes were even happier to see me. I was meals on wheels to the skeeters.

Gus went exploring. I could hear him snuffling as he investigated the various scents. Suddenly, I heard a commotion in a thicket. I ran to the sounds.

There I found Gus. He was staring intently up a tree, making odd growling noises while a bit of drool danced on his doggy lips.

I looked up into the giant bur oak tree to see if I could determine the object of his attention. There in the crotch of the tree, maybe 15 feet above the ground, was a young raccoon.

I find baby raccoons cute and mischievous. Gus found them irritating at best, and well worth chasing.

The little raccoon was looking down at Gus. I could see the fear in the young animal's eyes. (Don't worry, the raccoon was never in any danger.) Gus, being a dog, could sense the fear. Because he could think of nothing else to do, Gus began to bark.

This wasn't what the little raccoon wanted to hear and he had seen all that he wanted to see of Gus. He put his paws over his eyes.

I found it cute. Gus found it confusing. Evidently, Gus had been focused in on the raccoon's eyes. Once the eyes disappeared, Gus got the oddest look on his face. He stared up in the tree for a couple of minutes, uttered a single, last bark and bounced back off into the brush.

We see what we want to see.

Today's Collection Of Humor

The minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building.

Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute. The substitute wanted to know what to play.

"Here's a copy of the service," he said impatiently. "But you'll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances."

During the service, the minister paused and said, "Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected, and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up."

At that moment, the substitute organist played "The Star-Spangled Banner."

And that is how the substitute organist became the permanent organist!

=============================================

"The Rescue"

A man had fallen between the rails in a subway station. People were all crowding around trying to get him out before the train ran him over. They were all shouting.

"Give me your hand!" but the man would not reach up. Mulla Nasrudin elbowed his way through the crowd and leaned over the man. "Friend," he asked, "what is your profession?"

"I am an income tax inspector," gasped the man.

"In that case," said Nasrudin, "take my hand!"

The man immediately grasped the Mulla's hand and was hauled to safety. Nasrudin turned to the amazed by-standers and declared,

"Never ask a tax man to *give* you anything, you fools!"

===================================

"Tax Official"

A Tax Official has come to a rural synagogue for an inspection. The rabbi is accompanying him. "So rabbi, tell me, please, after you have distributed all your unleavened bread, what do you do with the crumbs?"

"Why, we gather them carefully and send them to the city, and then they make bread of them again and send it to us."

"Ah. So what about candles after they are burnt? What do you do with the ends?"

"We send them to the city as well, and they make new candles from them and send them to us."

"And what about circumcision? What do you do with those leftover pieces?"

The rabbi, wearily, replies, "We send them to the city as well."

"To the city!? And what do they send to you?"

At this point rabbi smiled, "Well... Today they have sent *you* to us."

===================================

Arnold and his wife were cleaning out the attic one day when he came across a ticket from the local shoe repair shop. The date stamped on the ticket showed that it was over eleven years old. They both laughed and tried to remember which of them might have forgotten to pick up a pair of shoes over a decade ago.

"Do you think the shoes will still be in the shop?" Arnold asked.

"Not very likely," his wife said.

"It's worth a try," Arnold said, pocketing the ticket. He went downstairs, hopped into the car, and drove to the store.

With a straight face, he handed the ticket to the man behind the counter. With a face just as straight, the man said,
"Just a minute. I'll have to look for these." He disappeared into a dark corner at the back of the shop.

Two minutes later, the man called out, "Here they are!"

"No kidding?" Arnold called back. "That's terrific! Who would have thought they'd still be here after all this time."

The man came back to the counter, empty-handed. "They'll be ready Thursday."

Taps

It all began in 1862 during the Civil War, when Union Army Captain Robert Ellicombe was with his men near Harrison's Landing in Virginia. The Confederate Army was on the other side of the narrow strip of land. During the night, Captain Ellicombe heard the moan of a soldier who lay mortally wounded on the field.

Not knowing if it was a Union or Confederate soldier, the captain decided to risk his life and bring the stricken man back for medical attention. Crawling on his stomach through the gunfire, the captain reached the stricken soldier and began pulling him toward his encampment. When the captain finally reached his own lines, he discovered it was actually a Confederate soldier, but the soldier was dead. The captain lit a lantern.

Suddenly, he caught his breath and went numb with shock. In the dim light, he saw the face of the soldier. It was his son. The boy had been studying music in the South when the war broke out. Without telling his father, he enlisted in the Confederate Army. The following morning, heartbroken, the father asked permission of his superiors to give his son a full military burial despite his enemy status. His request was partially granted.

The captain had asked if he could have a group of Army band members play a funeral dirge for the son at the funeral. That request was turned down since the soldier was a Confederate. Out of respect for the father, they did say they could give him only one musician. The captain chose a bugler. He asked the bugler to play a series of musical notes he had found on a piece of paper in the pocket of his dead son's uniform. This wish was granted. This music was the haunting melody we now know as "Taps" that is used at all military funerals.

In case you are interested, these are the words to "TAPS":

Day is done, Gone the sun, From the lakes, From the hills, From the sky.
All is well. Safely rest. God is nigh.

The Texan

A Texan lands in Sydney, and is picked up by a taxi.

After requesting a tour of the city, he starts into a tirade about the small town airport and how in Texas they have larger runways on their ranches.

They are soon crossing the Sydney Harbor bridge, and the man is further unimpressed -- "I have a duck pond bigger than that harbor, and an ornamental bridge to span it that makes this look like a toy".

The Sydney-Newcastle expressway also gets his scorn, "Is this a road, or a track?"

So when a kangaroo jumped out in front of the cab, causing the sudden and severe application of the brakes, the driver couldn't help himself -- "Stupid grass hoppers!"

Real 911 Calls (believe it or not!)

Dispatcher: Nine-one-one. What is your emergency?
Caller: I heard what sounded like gunshots coming from the brown house on the corner.
Dispatcher: Do you have an address?
Caller: No, I'm wearing a blouse and slacks,why?

Dispatcher: Nine-one-one. What is your emergency?
Caller: Someone broke into my house and took a bite out of my ham and cheese sandwich.
Dispatcher: Excuse me?
Caller: I made a ham and cheese sandwich and left it on the kitchen table and when I came back from the bathroom, someone had taken a bite out of it.
Dispatcher: Was anything else taken?
Caller: No, but this has happened to me before and I'm sick and tired of it.

Dispatcher: Nine-one-one.
Caller: Hi, is this the police?
Dispatcher: This is 911. Do you need police assistance?
Caller: Well, I don't know who to call. Can you tell me how to cook a turkey? I've never cooked one before.

Dispatcher: Nine-one-one. Fire or emergency?
Caller: Fire, I guess.
Dispatcher: How can I help you sir?
Caller: I was wondering.....does the Fire Dept. put snow chains on their trucks?
Dispatcher: Yes sir, do you have an emergency?
Caller: Well, I've spent the last four hours trying to put these chains on my tires and....well.... do you think the Fire Dept. could come over and help me?
Dispatcher: Help you what?
Caller: Help me get these chains on my car!

Dispatcher: Nine-one-one. What is the nature of your emergency?
Caller: I'm trying to reach nine eleven but my phone doesn't have an eleven on it.
Dispatcher: This is nine eleven.
Caller: I thought you just said it was nine-one-one
Dispatcher: Yes, ma'am, nine-one-one and nine-eleven are the same thing.
Caller: Honey, I may be old, but I'm not stupid.

Dispatcher: Nine-one-one.
Caller: Yeah, I'm having trouble breathing. I'm all out of breath. Darn...I think I'm going to pass out.
Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from?
Caller: I'm at a pay phone. North and Foster. Damn......
Dispatcher: Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic?
Caller: No
Disipatcher: What where you doing before you started having trouble breathing?
Caller: Running from the police!

Flying

Takeoffs are optional. Landings are mandatory.
If God meant man to fly, He'd have given him more money.
If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger, if you pull the stick back they get smaller. (Unless you keep pulling the stick back-then they get bigger again)
Flying is not dangerous; crashing is dangerous.
It's better to be down here wishing you were up there, than up there wishing you were down here.
The propeller is just a big fan in the front of the plane to keep the pilot cool. Want proof? Make it stop; then watch the pilot break out into a sweat.
Speed is life, altitude is life insurance. No one has ever collided with the sky.
It's best to keep the pointed end going forward as much as possible.
The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.
Every one already knows the definition of a 'good' landing is one from which you can walk away. But very few know the definition of a 'great landing.' It's one after which you can use the airplane another time.
The probability of survival is equal to the angle of arrival.
Always remember you fly an airplane with your head, not your hands.
Never let an airplane take you somewhere your brain didn't get to five minutes earlier.
You know you've landed with the wheels up when it takes full power to taxi.
Those who hoot with the owls by night, should not fly with the eagles by day.
A helicopter is a collection of rotating parts going round and round and reciprocating parts going up and down - all of them trying to become random in motion.
Helicopters can't really fly - they're just so ugly that the earth immediately repels them.
Young man, was that a landing or were we shot down?
Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long enough to make all of them yourself.
Any pilot who relies on a terminal forecast can be sold the Brooklyn Bridge.
If he relies on winds-aloft reports he can be sold Niagara Falls.
Good judgment comes from experience and experience comes from bad judgment.
Aviation is not so much a profession as it is a disease.
There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing--unfortunately, no one knows what they are.
Any attempt to stretch fuel is guaranteed to increase headwind.
A thunderstorm is never as bad on the inside as it appears on the outside. It's worse.
Son, I was flying airplanes for a living when you were still in liquid form.
It's easy to make a small fortune in aviation. You start with a large fortune.
A male pilot is a confused soul who talks about women when he's flying, and about flying when he's with a woman.
A fool and his money are soon flying more airplane than he can handle.
Remember, you're always a student in an airplane.
Keep looking around; there's always something you've missed.
Try to keep the number of your landings equal to the number of your takeoffs.
You cannot propel yourself forward by patting yourself on the back.
There are old pilots, and there are bold pilots, but there are no old, bold, pilots!
Things which do you no good in aviation: Altitude above you. Runway behind you. Fuel in the truck. Half a second ago. Approach plates in the car. The airspeed you don't have.
Flying is the perfect vocation for a man who wants to feel like a boy, but not for one who still is.
Asking what a pilot thinks about the FAA is like asking a fireplug what it thinks about dogs.
Being an airline pilot would be great if you didn't have to go on all those trips.
Gravity never loses! The best you can hope for is a draw!

Tasty Pun

Webster's dictionary editors met to decide how to abridge the new edition. "We are listing too many old words that no one uses any more, they've gotta go," Said the chief editor.

"It's time we faced the fact that we can't have archaic and edit too."

Home Remedies

Drinking two glasses of Gatorade can relieve headache pain almost
immediately - without the unpleasant side effects caused by
traditional pain relievers.

Did you know that Colgate toothpaste makes an excellent salve for
burns?

Before you head to the drugstore for a high-priced inhaler filled
with mysterious chemicals, try chewing on a couple of curiously
strong Altoids peppermints. They'll clear up your stuffed nose.

Achy muscles from a bout of the flu? Mix 1 Tablespoon of horseradish
in 1/2 cup of olive oil. Let the mixture sit for 30 minutes, then
apply it as a massage oil for instant relief for aching muscles.

Sore Throat? Just mix 1/4 cup of vinegar with 1/4 cup of honey and
take 1 Tablespoon six times a day. The vinegar kills the bacteria.

Cure urinary tract infections with alka-seltzer. Just dissolve two
tablets in a glass of water and drink it at the onset of the symptoms.
Alka-Seltzer begins eliminating urinary tract infections almost
instantly - even though the product was never been advertised for
this use.

Eliminate puffiness under your eyes by dabbing Preparation H carefully
rubbed into the skin around the eyes but avoiding the eyes. The
hemorrhoid ointment acts as a vasoconstrictor, relieving the puffiness
instantly.

Honey remedy for skin blemishes -- cover the blemish with a dab of
honey and place a band-aid over it. Honey kills the bacteria, keeps the
skin sterile, and speeds healing. Works overnight.

Listerine therpy for toenail fungus -- get rid of unsightly toenail
fungus by soaking your toes in Listerine mouthwash. The powerful
antiseptic leaves your toenails looking healthy again.

Easy eyeglass protection -- to prevent the screws in eyeglasses from
loosening, apply a small drop of Maybelline Crystal Clear nail polish
to the threads of the screws before tightening them.

Coca-Cola cure for rust -- forget those expensive rust removers. Just
saturate an abrasive sponge with Coca Cola and scrub the rust stain.
The phosphoric acid in the coke is what gets the job done.

Cleaning liquid that doubles as bug killer -- if menacing bees, wasps,
hornets, or yellow jackets get in your home, and you can't find the
insecticide, try a spray of Formula 409. Insects drop to the ground
instantly.

Smart splinter remover -- just pour a drop of Elmers Glue-All over the
splinter, let dry, and peel the dried glue off the skin. The splinter
sticks to the dried glue.

Hunt's tomato paste boil cure -- cover the boil with Hunt's tomato paste
as a compress. The acids from the tomatoes soothe the pain and bring the
boil to a head.

Balm for broken blisters -- to disinfect a broken blister, dab on a few
drops of Listerine....a powerful antiseptic.

Heinz vinegar to heal bruises -- soak a cotton ball in white vinegar and
apply it to the bruise for one hour. The vinegar reduces the blueness
and speeds up the healing process.

Kill fleas instantly -- Dawn dishwashing liquid does the trick. Add a few
drops to your dog's bath and shampoo the animal thoroughly. Rinse well to
avoid skin irritations. Goodbye fleas.

Rainy day cure for dog odor -- next time your dog comes in from the rain,
simply wipe down the animal with Bounce or any dryer sheet, instantly
making your dog smell springtime fresh.

Eliminate ear mites -- all it takes is a few drops of corn oil in your
cat's ear. Massage it in, then clean with a cotton ball. Repeat daily for
three days. The oil soothes the cat's skin, smothers the mites, and
accelerates healing.

Vaseline cure for hairballs -- to prevent troublesome hairballs, apply a
dollop of vaseline petroleum jelly to your cat's nose. The cat will lick
off the jelly, lubricating any hair in its stomach so it can pass easily
through the digestive system.

Quaker Oats for fast pain relief from arthritis -- it's not for breakfast
anymore! Mix two cups of instant Quaker Oats and one cup of water in a bowl
and warm in the microwave for one minute. Cool slightly and apply the
mixture to your hands for soothing relief from arthritis.

SOME RAMBLINGS OF THE RETIRED MIND

I was thinking about how a status symbol of today is those cell phones that everyone has clipped on. I can't afford one so I'm wearing my garage door opener.
.....................
You know, I spent a fortune on deodorant before I realized that people didn't like me anyway.
......................
I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans!
......................
I was thinking about old age and decided that it is when you still have something on the ball but you are just too tired to bounce it.
......................
I thought about making a fitness movie for folks my age and call it "Pumping Rust."
......................
I have gotten that dreaded furniture disease.... that's when your chest is falling into your drawers!
......................
You know when people see a cat's litter box, they always say, "Oh, have you got a cat?" Just once I wanted to say, "No, it's for company!"
.....................
Employment application blanks always ask who is to be notified in case of an emergency. I think you should write, "A Good Doctor!"
.....................
Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do . . . write to these men? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they delivered the mail?
.....................
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older then it dawned on me . . they were cramming for their finals. As for me, I'm just hoping God grades on the curve.

Golf Jokes

A golfer set up his ball on the first tee, took a mighty swing and hit his ball into a clump of trees. He found his ball and saw an opening between two trees he thought he could hit through. Taking out his 3-wood, he took another mighty swing; the ball hit a tree, bounced back, hit him in the forehead and killed him.

As he approached the gates of Heaven, St. Peter saw him coming and asked "Are you a good golfer', to which the man replied: "Got here in two, didn't I?"
- - - - -
The bride came down the aisle and when she reached the altar, the groom was standing there with his golf bag and clubs at his side.

She said:" What are your golf clubs doing here"?

He looked her right in the eye .... and said, "This isn't going to take all day, is it?"
- - - - - -
An octogenarian who was an avid golfer moved to a new town and joined the local Country Club. He went to the Club for the first time to play, but was told that there wasn't anybody he could play with because they were already out on the course. He repeated several times that he really wanted to play today. Finally, the assistant Pro said he would play with him and asked him how many strokes he wanted for a bet. The 80 year old said, "I really don't need any strokes as I have been playing quite well. The only real problem I have, is getting out of sand traps."

And he did play well. Coming to the par four 18th, they were all even. The Pro had a nice drive and was able to get on the green and two-putt for a par. The old man had a nice drive, but his approach shot landed in a sand trap next to the green.

Playing from the bunker he hit a high ball, which landed on the green and rolled into the cup. Birdie, match and all the money!

The Pro walked over to the sand trap where his opponent was still standing in the trap. He said: "nice shot, but I thought you said you have a problem getting out of sand traps?"

Replied the octogenarian "I do, would you please give me a hand."
- - - - - - -
A woman goes to the local newspaper office to see that the obituary for her recently deceased husband is published. The obit editor informs her that there is a charge of 50 cents per word.

She pauses, reflects, and then she says, well then, let it read "Fred Brown died."

Amused at the woman's thrift, the editor tells her that there is a seven-word minimum for all obituaries.

She thinks it over and in a few seconds says, "In that case, let it read, "Fred Brown died: golf clubs for sale."
- - - - -
A 75-year-old woman went to the doctor for a check up. The doctor told her she needed more cardiovascular activity and recommended that she engage in sexual activity three times a week. A bit embarrassed, she said to the doctor, "Please tell my husband."

The doctor went out into the waiting room and told the husband that his wife needed sex three times a week.

The 78-year-old husband replied, "Which days?" The doctor answered, "Monday, Tuesday, and Friday would be ideal."

The husband said, "I can bring her on Monday, but on Tuesdays and Friday I golf, so she'll have to take the bus."

Puppy Size - For you dog lovers

"Puppy Size. She keeps repeating it over and over again. We've been back to this shelter at least five times. It has been weeks now since we started all of this," the woman told the volunteer.

"What is it she keeps asking for? " she asked. "Puppy size! "

"Well, we have plenty of puppies, if that's what she's looking for. "

"I know. We have seen most of them," the Mom said in frustration.

Just then the young child came walking in the office. "Well, did you find one?" "No, not this time," she said with sadness in her voice. "Can we come back on the weekend?"

The two women looked at each other, shook their heads and laughed. "You never know when we will get more dogs. Unfortunately, there's always a supply," the volunteer said.

The young child took her Mother by the hand and headed to the door. "Don't worry, I bet we'll find one this weekend," the child said.

Over the next few days both Mom and Dad had long conversations with her. They both felt she was being too particular. It is this weekend, because we're not looking any more," Dad finally said in frustration. "We don't want to hear anything more about puppy size, either," Mom added.

They returned to the shelter. By now the young child knew her way around, so she ran right for the section that housed the smaller dogs. Tired of the routine, Mom sat in the small waiting room at the end of the first row of cages. One by one the dogs were brought out to the girl and she held each one. One by one she said, "Sorry, you're not the one." It was the last cage on this last day in search of the perfect pup.

The volunteer opened the cage door and the child carefully picked up the dog and held it closely.

This time she took a little longer.

"Mom, that's it! I found the right puppy! He's the one! I know it!" she screamed with joy.

Mom, startled by all the commotion, came running. "What? Are you sure? How do you know?" she asked.

"It's the puppy sighs!"

"But it's the same size as all the other puppies you held the last few weeks," Mom said.

"No, not size -- sighs. When I held him in my arms, he sighed," she said. "Don't you remember? When I asked you one day what love is, you told me love depends on the sighs of your heart. The more you love, the bigger the sighs!"

The two women looked at each other for a moment. Mom didn't know whether to laugh or cry. As she stooped down to hug her child, she did a little of both.

"Mom, every time you hold me, I sigh. When you and Daddy come home from work and hug each other, you both sigh. I knew I would find the right puppy if it sighed when I held it in my arms," she said. Then holding the puppy up close to her face she said, "Mom, he loves me. I heard the sighs of his heart."

Who's On First... For Windows

Here's an updated version of Abbot and Costello's "Who's on First" (very funny, especially if you've see or heard the original...)
___________________________________________________________________________

ABBOT: "Computer Support Group, can I help you?"

COSTELLO: "Thanks. I'm setting up a home office in the den, and I'm thinking of buying a computer"

ABBOT: "Mac?"

COSTELLO: "No, the name is Bud."

ABBOT: "Your computer?"

COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one."

ABBOT: "Mac?"

COSTELLO: "I told you, my name is Bud."

ABBOT: " What about Windows?"

COSTELLO "Why? Does it get stuffy?"

ABBOT: "Do you want a computer with Windows?"

COSTELLO: "I don't know. What do I see when I look out the windows?"

ABBOT: "Wallpaper"

COSTELLO: "Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software."

ABBOT: "Software that runs on Windows?"

COSTELLO: "No, on the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses. You know, run a business. What have you got?"

ABBOT: "Office."

COSTELLO: "Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?"

ABBOT: " I just did."

COSTELLO: "You just did what?"

ABBOT: "Recommended something"

COSTELLO: "You recommended something?"

ABBOT: "Yes"

COSTELLO: "For my office?"

ABBOT: "Yes"

COSTELLO: "Okay, what did you recommend for my office?"

ABBOT: "Office."

COSTELLO: "Yes, for my office."

ABBOT: "Office for Windows"

COSTELLO: "I already have an office, and it already has windows! Let's say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?"

ABBOT: "Word"

COSTELLO: "If I'm writing a proposal, I'm going to need lots of words. What program do I load?"

ABBOT: "Word"

COSTELLO: "What word?"

ABBOT: "The Word in Office."

COSTELLO: "The only word in office is office"

ABBOT: "The Word in Office for Windows"

COSTELLO: "Which word in "office for windows"?"

ABBOT: "The Word you get when you click the blue W"

COSTELLO: "I'm going to click YOUR big W if you don't give me a straight answer! Let's forget about words for a minute. What do I need if I want to watch a movie over the Internet?"

ABBOT: "RealOne"

COSTELLO: "Maybe a real movie, maybe a cartoon. What I watch is none of your business. But what do I need to watch it?"

ABBOT: "RealOne"

COSTELLO: "If it 's a long movie I'll also want to watch reels two, three and four. Can I watch reel four?"

ABBOT: "Of course."

COSTELLO: "Great! With what?"

ABBOT: "RealOne"

COSTELLO: "Okay, so I'm sitting at my computer and I want to watch a movie. What do I do?"

ABBOT: "You click the blue 1"

COSTELLO: "I click the blue one what?"

ABBOT: "The blue 1"

COSTELLO: "Is that different from the blue W?"

ABBOT: "Of course it is. The blue 1 is RealOne. The blue W is Word."

COSTELLO: "What word?"

ABBOT: "The Word in Office for Windows."

COSTELLO: "But there's three words in 'office for windows!!'"

ABBOT: "No, just one. But it's the most popular Word in the world."

COSTELLO: "It is?"

ABBOT: "Yes, although to be fair, there aren't many other Words left. It pretty much wiped out all the other Words."

COSTELLO: "And that word is the real one?"

ABBOT: "No. RealOne has nothing to do with Word. RealOne isn't even part of Office."

COSTELLO: "Never mind; I don't want to get started with THAT again. But I also need something for bank accounts, loans and so on. What do you have to help me track my money?"

ABBOT: "Money"

COSTELLO: "That's right. What do you have?"

ABBOT: "Money."

COSTELLO: "I need money to track my money?"

ABBOT: "No, not really. It comes bundled with your computer."

COSTELLO: "What comes bundled with my computer?"

ABBOT: "Money"

COSTELLO: "Money comes bundled with my computer?"

ABBOT: "Exactly. No extra charge"

COSTELLO: "I get a bundle of money with my computer at no extra charge? How much money do I get?"

ABBOT: ; "Just one copy."

COSTELLO: "I get a copy of money. Isn't that illegal?"

ABBOT: "No. We have a license from Microsoft to make copies of Money."

COSTELLO: "Microsoft can license you to make money?"

ABBOT: "Why not? They own it."

COSTELLO: "Well, it's great that I'm going to get free money, but I'll still need to track it. Do you have anything for managing your money?"

ABBOT: "Managing Your Money? That program disappeared years ago."

COSTELLO: "Well, what do you sell in its place?"

ABBOT: "Money."

COSTELLO: "You sell money?"

ABBOT: "Of course. But if you buy a computer from us, you get it for free."

COSTELLO: That's all very wonderful, but I'll be running a business. Do you have any software for, you know, accounting?"

ABBOT: "Simply Accounting"

COSTELLO: "Probably, but it might get a little complicated."

ABBOT: "If you don't want Simply Accounting, you might try M.Y.O.B."

COSTELLO: "M.Y.O.B.? What does that stand for?"

ABBOT: "Mind Your Own Business."

COSTELLO: "I beg your pardon?"

ABBOT: "No, that would be I.B.Y.P. I said M.Y.O.B."

COSTELLO: "Look, I just need to do some accounting for my home business. You know -- accounting? You do it with money."

ABBOT: "Of course you can do accounting with Money. But you may need more."

COSTELLO: "More money?"

ABBOT: "More than Money. Money can't do everything."

COSTELLO: "I don't need a sermon!! Okay, let's forget about money for the moment. I'm worried that my computer might...what's the word? Crash. And if my computer crashes, what can I use to restore my data?"

ABBOT: "GoBack."

COSTELLO: "Okay.&n bsp; I'm worried about my computer smashing and I need something to restore my data. What do you recommend?"

ABBOT: "GoBack"

COSTELLO: "How many times do I have to repeat myself!?!"

ABBOT: "I've never asked you to repeat yourself. All I said was GoBack."

COSTELLO: "How can I go back if I haven't even been anywhere? Okay, I'll go back. What do I need to write a proposal?"

ABBOT: "Word."

COSTELLO: "But I'll need lots of words to write a proposal."

ABBOT: "No, you only need one Word - the Word in Office for Windows"

COSTELLO: "But there's three words in...Oh, never mind."

ABBOT: "Hello? Hello? Customers! Why do they always hang up on me? Oh well, "Oh well.

Computer Support Group. Can I help you?"

Too Much Fun!

NUDITY
I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a
woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark
naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from
the back seat, "Mom! That lady isn't wearing a seat belt!"

HONESTY
My son Zachary, 4, came screaming out of the bathroom to tell me he'd
dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. So I fished it out and threw it in
the garbage. Zachary stood there thinking for a moment, then ran to my
bathroom and came out with my toothbrush. He held it up and said with a
charming little smile, "We better throw this one out too then, 'cause it
fell in the toilet a few days ago.

OPINIONS
On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from
his mother. The note read, "The opinions expressed by this child are not
necessarily those of his parents."

KETCHUP
A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup to come out of the jar. During
her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer
the phone. "It's the minister, Mommy," the child said to her mother. Then
she added, "Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's
hitting the bottle."

MORE NUDITY
A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker
room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies
grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement
and then asked, "What's the matter haven't you ever seen a little boy
before?"

POLICE # 1
While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was
interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my
uniform, she asked, "Are you a cop?" "Yes," I answered and continued
writing the report. "My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the
police. Is that right?" "Yes, that's right," I told her. "Well, then," she
said as she extended her foot toward me, "would you please tie my shoe?"

POLICE # 2
It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the
station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and
I saw a little boy staring in at me. "Is that a dog you got back there?" he
asked. "It sure is," I replied. Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then
towards the back of the van. Finally he said, "What'd he do?"

ELDERLY
While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly
shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She
was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age,
particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her
staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for
the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, "The
tooth fairy will never believe this!"

DRESS-UP
A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw
her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, "Daddy, you shouldn't wear that
suit." "And why not, darling?" "You know that it always gives you a
headache the next morning."

DEATH
While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister
heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt.
Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin.
Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small
box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of
the deceased. The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers
and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father
always said: "Glory be unto the Faaaather, and unto the Sonnn ..... and
into the hole he gooooes."

SCHOOL
A little girl had just finished her first week of school. "I'm just
wasting my time," she said to her mother. "I can't read, I can't write and
they won't let me talk!"

BIBLE
A little boy opened the big family bible. He was fascinated as he
fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible.
He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that
had been pressed in between the pages. "Mama, look what I found", the boy
called out." What have you got there, dear?" With astonishment in the young
boy's voice, he answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear!"

The Martian Chronicles (update)

W/ apologies to Ray Bradbury

Mars

They were the first to attempt to colonize Mars. They knew it would be
difficult , but they were determined to succeed.

They had landed with grass seeds to plant and embryos of horse, sheep and
cattle. But the grass wouldn't grow, and none of the calves survived. The
horses and sheep were doing well, but there were not enough animals to meet
their needs.

So they sent a message to earth asking for more sheep and horses and a
replacement for the cattle and grass. They particularly wanted an animal
that could be used as meat in place of beef.

Earth radioed back asking if venison would be satisfactory and the
colonists replied it was.

Finally a space shuttle arrived with the needed supplies. The bill of
lading was rushed to the leader of the colony who then spoke to his consul,
"we got everything we asked for," he shouted. . . . "They sent mare zygotes
and doe zygotes and little lambs and ivy." (By Stan Kegel)

The Positive Side Of Life

Living on Earth is expensive,
but it does include a free trip
around the sun every year.

How long a minute is
depends on what side of the
bathroom door you're on.

Birthdays are good for you;
the more you have,
the longer you live.

Happiness comes through doors you
didn't even know you left open.

Ever notice that the people who are late
are often much jollier
than the people who have to wait for them?

Most of us go to our grave
with our music still inside of us.

If Walmart is lowering prices every day,
how come nothing is free yet?

You may be only one person in the world,
but you may also be the world to one person.

Don't cry because it's over;
smile because it happened.

We could learn a lot from crayons:
some are sharp, some are pretty,
some are dull, some have weird names,
and all are different colors....but
they all exist very nicely in the same box.

A truly happy person is one who
can enjoy the scenery on a detour.

Have an awesome day, and
know that someone
who thinks you're great
has thought about you today!..

"And that person was me.".....
Please don't keep this message
to yourself.....send it to those
who mean so much to you.... "NOW"..

Dr. Seuss on kompughtink

Read this to yourself aloud - it's great!

If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port,
and the bus is interrupted at a very last resort,
and the access of the memory makes your floppy disk abort,
then the socket packet pocket has an error to report.

If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash,
and the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash,
and your data is corrupted cause the index doesn't hash,
then your situation's hopeless and your system's gonna crash!

If the label on the cable on the table at your house,
says the network is connected to the button on your mouse,
but your packets want to tunnel to another protocol,
that's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall.

And your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss,
so your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse;
then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang,
'cuz sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang.

When the copy on your floppy's getting sloppy in the disk,
and the macro code instructions is causing unnecessary risk,
the you'll have to flash the memory and you'll want to RAM your ROM,
and then quickly turn off the computer and be sure to tell your Mom!

Well, that certainly clears things up for me. How about you?

Yep!!

Trapper's Stove

An engineer, a psychologist, and a theologian were hunting in the
wilderness of northern Canada.

Suddenly, the temperature dropped and a furious snowstorm was upon them.
They came across an isolated cabin, far removed from any town. The
hunters had heard that the locals in the area were quite hospitable, so
they knocked on the door to ask permission to rest.

No one answered their knocks, but they discovered the cabin was unlocked
and they entered. It was a simple place ... 2 rooms with a minimum of
furniture and household equipment. Nothing was unusual about the cabin
except the stove. It was large, pot-bellied, and made of cast-iron.
What was strange about it was its location ... it was suspended in
midair by wires attached to the ceiling beams.

"Fascinating," said the psychologist. "It is obvious that this lonely
trapper, isolated from humanity, has elevated this stove so that he can
curl up under it and vicariously experience a return to the womb."

"Nonsense!" replied the engineer. "The man is practicing the laws of
thermodynamics. By elevating his stove, he has discovered a way to
distribute heat more evenly throughout the cabin."

"With all due respect," interrupted the theologian, "I'm sure that
hanging his stove from the ceiling has religious meaning. Fire LIFTED
UP has been a religious symbol for centuries."

The three debated the point for several hours without resolving the
issue. When the trapper finally returned, they immediately asked him
why he had hung his heavy pot-bellied stove from the ceiling.

His answer was succinct. "Had plenty wire, not much stove pipe."

Not Far In The Future

Operator : "Thank you for calling Pizza Hut. May I have your order?"
.
Customer: "Hello, can I order.."
.
Operator : "Can I have your multi purpose card number first, Sir?"
.
Customer: "It's eh..., hold on....6102049998-45-54610"
.
Operator : "OK... you're... Mr Sheehan and you're calling from 17 Meadow Drive. Your home number is 494 2366, your office 745 2302 and your mobile is 014 266 2566. Would you like to have the delivery made to 17 Meadow Drive?
.
Customer: "Yes, how did you get all my phone numbers?"
.
Operator : "We are connected to the system Sir"
.
Customer: "May I order your Seafood Pizza..."
.
Operator : "That's not a good idea Sir"
.
Customer: "How come?"
.
Operator : "According to your medical records, you have high blood pressure and even higher cholesterol level Sir"
.
Customer: "What?... What do you recommend then?"
.
Operator : "Try our Low Fat Soybean Yogurt Pizza. You'll like it"
.
Customer: "How do you know for sure?"
.
Operator : "You borrowed a book entitled "Popular Soybean Yogurt Dishes" from the National Library last week Sir"
.
Customer: "OK I give up... Give me three family sized ones then, how much will that cost?

Operator : "That should be enough for your family of 10, Sir. The total is $ 49.99
.
Customer: "Can I pay by credit card?"
.
Operator : "I'm afraid you have to pay us cash, Sir. Your credit card is over the limit and you're owing your bank $3720.55 since October last year"
.
Operator : "That's not including the late payment charges on your housing loan Sir.
.
Customer: "I guess I have to run to the neighborhood ATM and withdraw some cash before your guy arrives"
.
Operator : "You can't do that Sir. Based on the records, you've reached your daily limit on machine withdrawal today"
.
Customer: "Never mind just send the pizzas, I'll have the cash ready. How long is it gonna take anyway?"
.
Operator : "About 45 minutes Sir, but if you can't wait you can always come and collect it on your motorcycle..."
.
Customer: " What the..?"
.
Operator : "According to the details in system, you own a Harley,...registration number E1123..."
.
Customer: "@#%/$@&?#"
.
Operator : "Better watch your language Sir. Remember on 15th July 1987 you were convicted of using abusive language to a policeman...
.
Customer:( Speechless)
.
Operator : "Is there anything else Sir?"
.
Customer: "Nothing... by the way... aren't you giving me that 3 free bottles of Pepsi as advertised?"
.
Operator : "We normally would Sir, but based on your records you're also diabetic....... " !!!!

A Bissel Yiddish
From Nanci Goldman

This poem is credited to Gene Wilder. It's good to keep the language alive.

Yiddish was the secret code, therefore I don't farshtaist,
A bisseleh maybe here and there, the rest has gone to waste.

Sadly when I hear it now, I only get the gist,
My Bubbeh spoke it beautifully; but me, I am tsemisht.

So och un vai as I should say, or even oy vai iz mir,
Though my pisk is lacking Yiddish, it's familiar to my ear.
And I'm no Chaim Yonkel, in fact I was shtick naches,
But, when it comes to Yiddish though, I'm talking out my tuchas.

Es iz a shandeh far di kinder that I don't know it better
(Though it's really nishtkefelecht when one needs to write a letter)
But, when it comes to characters, there's really no contention,
No other linguist can compete with honorable mentshen.

They have nebbishes and nebechels and others without mazel,
Then, too, schmendriks and schlemiels, and let's not forget schlimazel.
These words are so precise and descriptive to the listener,
So much better than "a pill" is to call someone 'farbissener.'

Or that a brazen woman would be better called chaleria,
And you'll agree farklempt says more than does hysteria.
I'm not haken dir a tsheinik and I hope I'm not a kvetch,
But isn't mieskeit kinder, than to call someone a wretch?

Mitten derinnen, I hear Bubbeh say, "It's nechtiker tog, don't fear,
To me you're still a maven, zol zein shah, don't fill my ear.
A leben ahf dein keppele, I don't mean to interrupt,
But you are speaking narishkeit.
And A gezunt auf dein kup!"

The Preacher's Spirits

A minister of a church loved peach brandy. One of his congregants would make him a bottle each Christmas.

One year, when the minister went to visit his friend, hoping for his usual Christmas present, he was not disappointed as he unwrapped the homemade brandy. However, his friend told him that he had to thank him for the peach brandy from the pulpit the next Sunday.

So the next Sunday the minister suddenly remembered that he had to make a public announcement that he was being supplied alcohol from a member of the church. That morning, his friend sat in the church with a grin on his face, waiting to see the minister's embarrassment.

The minister climbed into the pulpit and said, "Before we begin, I have an announcement. I would very much like to thank my friend, Joe, for his kind gift of peaches ... and for the spirit in which they were given!"

Church Humor

No one is listening until you make a mistake.

-----------------------------

The Priest was preparing a man for his long day's journey into night. Whispering firmly, the Priest said, "Denounce the devil! Let him know how little you think of him!"

The dying man said nothing.

The priest repeated his order.

Still the man said nothing.

The priest asked, "Why do you refuse to denounce the devil and his evil?"

The dying man said, "Until I know for sure where I'm heading, I don't think I ought to aggravate anybody."

------------------------------

"Choir Troubles I"

A church had a man in the choir who couldn't sing. Several people hinted to him that he could serve in other places, but he continued to come to the choir. The choir director became desperate and went to the pastor.

"You've got to get that man out of the choir," he said. "If you don't, I'm going to resign. The choir members are going to quit too. Please do something."

So the pastor went to the man and suggested, "Perhaps you should leave the choir."

"Why should I get out of the choir?" he asked.

"Well, five or six people have told me you can't sing."

That's nothing," the man snorted. "Fifty people have told me that you can't preach!"

A Christmas Alphabet

A is for Angels, appearing so bright
Telling of Jesus that first Christmas night.
B is for Bethlehem, crowded and old
Birthplace of Jesus by prophet foretold.
C is for Cattle, their manger His bed
There in the stable where He laid His head.
D is for David and his ancient throne
Promised forever to Jesus alone.
E is for East, where shone the bright star
Which Magi on camels followed afar.
F is for Frankincense, with myrrh and gold
Brought by the Wise Men as Matthew has told.
G is for God, who from heaven above
Sent down to mankind the Son of His love.
H is for Herod, whose murderous scheme
Was told to Joseph in a nocturnal dream.
I is for Immanuel, "God with us,"
For Christ brought man back to the Father's house.
J is for Joseph so noble and just,
Obeying God's word with absolute trust.
K is for King. A true king He would be,
Coming in power and authority.
L is for Love that He brought down to earth
That night in the stable in lowly birth.
M is for Mary, His mother so brave,
Counting God faithful and mighty to save.
N is for Night, when the Savior was born
For nations of earth and people forlorn.
O is for Omega, meaning "the last;"
He's eternal: present, future and past.
P is for Prophets, when living on earth
Foretold His redemption and blessed birth.
Q is for Quickly, as shepherds who heard
Hastened to act on that heavenly word.
R is for Rejoice. The sorrow of sin is
Banished forever when Jesus comes in.
S is for Savior. To be this He came;
The angel of God assigned Him His name.
T is for Tidings related to all,
Telling of Him who was born in a stall.
U is for Us, to whom Jesus was given
To show us the way and take us to heaven.
V is for Virgin, foretold by the sage,
God's revelation on prophecy's page.
Matthew 1:23
W is for Wonderful, His works and His words,
The King of all Kings, the Lord of all Lords.
X is for Christ. It's X in the Greek,
Anointed, Messiah, mighty, yet meek.
Y is for Yes, called God's Yes in His Word;
God's answer to all is Jesus the Lord.
Z is for Zeal as it burned in Christ's heart.
Lord, by thy Spirit to us zeal impart.

Have a blessed, day!

Puppy Size - For you dog lovers

"Puppy Size. She keeps repeating it over and over again. We've been back to this shelter at least five times. It has been weeks now since we started all of this," the woman told the volunteer.

"What is it she keeps asking for? " she asked. "Puppy size! "

"Well, we have plenty of puppies, if that's what she's looking for. "

"I know. We have seen most of them," the Mom said in frustration.

Just then the young child came walking in the office. "Well, did you find one?" "No, not this time," she said with sadness in her voice. "Can we come back on the weekend?"

The two women looked at each other, shook their heads and laughed. "You never know when we will get more dogs. Unfortunately, there's always a supply," the volunteer said.

The young child took her Mother by the hand and headed to the door. "Don't worry, I bet we'll find one this weekend," the child said.

Over the next few days both Mom and Dad had long conversations with her. They both felt she was being too particular. It is this weekend, because we're not looking any more," Dad finally said in frustration. "We don't want to hear anything more about puppy size, either," Mom added.

They returned to the shelter. By now the young child knew her way around, so she ran right for the section that housed the smaller dogs. Tired of the routine, Mom sat in the small waiting room at the end of the first row of cages. One by one the dogs were brought out to the girl and she held each one. One by one she said, "Sorry, you're not the one." It was the last cage on this last day in search of the perfect pup.

The volunteer opened the cage door and the child carefully picked up the dog and held it closely.

This time she took a little longer.

"Mom, that's it! I found the right puppy! He's the one! I know it!" she screamed with joy.

Mom, startled by all the commotion, came running. "What? Are you sure? How do you know?" she asked.

"It's the puppy sighs!"

"But it's the same size as all the other puppies you held the last few weeks," Mom said.

"No, not size -- sighs. When I held him in my arms, he sighed," she said. "Don't you remember? When I asked you one day what love is, you told me love depends on the sighs of your heart. The more you love, the bigger the sighs!"

The two women looked at each other for a moment. Mom didn't know whether to laugh or cry. As she stooped down to hug her child, she did a little of both.

"Mom, every time you hold me, I sigh. When you and Daddy come home from work and hug each other, you both sigh. I knew I would find the right puppy if it sighed when I held it in my arms," she said. Then holding the puppy up close to her face she said, "Mom, he loves me. I heard the sighs of his heart."